What Shakespearean Romance?
by MessersSpideyTapp
Summary: LJ. Theater always enables the young to fall in love. It's no different for a certain Lily Evans, however, how can she catch the attention of Hogwarts Royalty, when she's barely visible? 4 to 7
1. Who's Mily Levins?

**Who's Mily Levins?**

**AN: So, I've decided to give this 'fluff' nonsense a try, since, I must admit (shamefully) I find myself reading it more often than not, so….here it is.**

**Disclaimer: Not unless I have multiple personalities, another body (some years older) , a child, and, finally, a massive imagination, am I J.K. Rowling. So don't expect me to own these characters. **

Such kisses are indescribable. They are the stuff of fantasies, the ones that have those of hormonal imbalance staring off into spaces of less than admirable features.

Those were James Potter's kisses.

"Oh, marvelous! Simply _beautiful_, Mister Potter!" Professor Celestine clapped her hands in pure delight, "That performance deserves worthy praise!" she exclaimed , providing the awkward audience with some more cause to applaud "However, if I may be so bold, what was it?"

"What?" this voice was soft , belonging to a small and skinny girl standing beside the Potter-prodigy, "What do you mean, Professor Celestine?"

" I mean, what production was it?" she smiled in what seemed to be a friendly and relatively safe expression to return "Who are you?"

The girl blinked, once , twice. Her smile wavered, fleetingly , she thought _is she serious?_

"I-I'm Lily Evans, Professor Celestine" she said softly.

"Oh" said the woman , absentmindedly tapping a finger against her mouth "I don't know you. Why are you here?"

Lily blinked again, coughed and blushed to her roots. Bravely she began forming a reply when,

"It was _Romeo and Juliet_ , Professor." James replied , unfazed "We performed it because you suggested it would be good evidence for our cause , remember…..?"

"Oh! Yes, yes, I remember now , for the _Why Shakespeare was a Wizard _club."

"Yes" he sighed "Did you enjoy it?"

"Immensely," she said "It felt as though the walls vibrated with the enormity of your potent emotions , Mister Potter. Yet that might have been the restless spirits of the Shakespearean Era , attempting to contact us.." she trailed off mysteriously , her eyes glazing over as she leaned back into her cushions "softly calling out….."

"Couldn't they just contact the other ghosts? I mean, it's not like we're lacking in 'restless spirits'—"

"And that is why you are _failing_ this class , Mister Brown" she snapped , her shawl fanning out behind her as she stood , reaching for her cane , "This is the reason you _all_ are here! You are the philosophical, the rational and _tasteless_ auras of my classrooms—except for you , Mister Potter"

He nodded .

"You cannot even listen to my interpretation of the spiritual vibrations of the otherworld—"

"That's because it was me" a pudgy boy called from the corner .

"_You_ have restless spirits, Mister Pettigrew?"

"No—well, not exactly—I have restless gasses, I mean, we had Latin Night in the dormitory last night—"

"Spare me boy, I need not hear more. Am I to understand you have been disrupting auras with—with _farts_?"

"I-I-well-uh…yea"

"Go!" she pointed to the trapdoor of the North Tower "Leave! You fail for the year! I don't want to see you back in this room in my lifetime! _Do you hear_!"

Peter Pettigrew could not afford to fail a third class this year, and so he found himself falling to his knees and groveling for his spot back on the ' we failed Divination so now we must form a pointless club this term to obtain decent grades' association. Instead, he found himself being thrown headfirst down the very steep, very tall trapdoor to the Divination classroom. By the very senile Professor Celestine.

"I would like to see the production once more before breakfast," she frowned slightly "However…I would like to change Miss Levins from the lead role to the maid, and in turn , Miss McKinnon to the lead role"

"But—" Lily protested.

"Yes Miss Levins?"

"It's Evans" she corrected mildly, lowering her gaze.

"Oh" Professor Celestine nodded slightly , as if apologizing for her petty botch, yet knowing that it would be precious few minutes before the girl's name would flee her mind "is that all?"

Lily hesitated opening her mouth slightly "Good" said the professor .

"Once more , from the top." She thumped her cane, "Finnigan! Join the conscious of mind!"

Thump. Thump. Thump.

"Begin!"

OoO

Her bag was strewn across the floor from where she'd left it, and she had to wobble to the opposite wall to gather her collection of sugar quills. She cast looks of annoyance around her, her peers were sleepily picking up their things and making their way down the trapdoor. Lily grumbled, it was too early for collecting belongings. Someone stepped on her last quill , it's green feather snapping cleanly in half as the dingy trainers mangled it.

"Oh, sorry"

She looked up , startled. "James!" she exclaimed "It's alright—you don't have to worry—great job today!" she reddened

"Thanks uh…"

"Lily"

"Right" he tossed a hand through his hair and grinned cheekily "See you"

It seemed unfair to Lily , the fact that although she'd played the lead role that dawn , that she'd felt magic in James' forged feather light kisses, he didn't deem her face worthy of belonging to a name.

She shook her head, her otherwise neat hair gently tickling the edges of her vision. She needed to loose this measly infatuation, quickly.

Lily clutched her pack to her chest as she descended, afraid the rip at its bottom would enlarge by mere whim.

James was at the base of the stairs.

Was he waiting for her? The thought elated her, suddenly her vacant expression expanded to something more existential, and James Potter was struck by the odd beauty of the small girl's smile.

He returned the gesture, adding his own flourished wave.

"Goodbye James" she said pleasantly "See you in class"

Would he? He could not remember. Was she in his house? He did not think so, she was barely outspoken enough to call her mousy. Nonetheless he nodded his accent and she smiled again.

"Goodbye Mily!" he called as she disappeared down the stairs.

Lily sighed. _Berk_ , she thought.

She figured that today, sometime during Transfiguration , James would notice she sat behind him. And with another hopeful sigh, she made her somewhat quiet way to breakfast.

OoO

Emmeline Vance was Lily's most cherished friend. This perhaps was due to the fact that Emmeline was too kind to point out Lily had the disposition of a mute buried under seven feet of granite over sixty billion decades ago, also, she was too forgetful to notice.

Lily dropped her books on the table, making loud clank as they slipped off the edge and dispersed across the floor.

"Bugger!" Lily whispered furiously "That's the second bloody time!"

"Wotcher, Lily!" Emmeline said cheerily.

"G'morning ,Emmy." Lily called from under the table , her bum swinging dangerously close to a bowl of porridge before being completely submerged, along with the rest of Lily's anatomy.

Emmeline's head popped under the table "_Bloody Hell_" she breathed "Lily, there's books _all over_ down here!" she reached a hand to the closest _A Standard Book of Spells (Grade Four)_, "Oh , brilliant! I lost mine _ages_ ago!"

Her hand was promptly slapped away, "They're mine, Emmy!" Lily huffed "Did you not see me drop them a minute ago, you daft witch?" she had little shame around her precious friend.

"They are?" Emmeline shrugged and returned her head to it's earlier position.

"Yes" she snapped , emerging from her rather dangerous escapade.

"Alright, alright. No need to get so touchy" she huffed, blinked and turned back to Lily "So why are you here so early?"

"Merlin, Em! I _told_ you, I've been going to Celestine's prissy 'If You Fail' club for the past month!"

"Have you?" Emmeline continued conversationally.

"Yes" she replied tersely.

"So you've failed Divination so marvelously that you must now attend another one of Celestine's dodgy clubs"

"Obviously" Lily started digging through her eggs.

"So when were you—what are you doing?"

"Eating" Lily said , her expression voicing her intentions to feel Emmeline's forehead for a fever .

"No, not that. Why are you separating your eggs?"

"You've never noticed I've done this before?" Lily asked skeptically "_never?_"

"No." she shook her head for good measure.

"I've done this _every _morning for the past four years , Emmy"

"Really? You have? But then , what exactly _are_ you doing?"

"I'm picking out the whites" Lily stated this as if Emmeline was the most oblivious being inhabiting this hemisphere.

"Pardon? The _whites_? What exactly are _'The Whites'_?"

"The _EGG_ whites Emmeline! Please, get a _neuron _while you sit in class, why don't you!"

"A _what_?"

"Oh, Nevermind." Lily returned to her plate , not for the first time wondering if it would not be wiser to abandon her eggs for a bowl of porridge. After observing the steaming nosh for some seconds , she sighed and reached for it.

Coincidentally , another hand reached for the appealing bowl as well, a hand conveniently attached to Dorcas Meadowes, whom was latched by whim , force and magnetism , to her latest hubby, James Potter.

"Oof! Excuse me," she said " Are you going to eat that?" she pointed to the porridge , smiling kindly "Hey , do I know you—"

"No, you can have it" Lily shifted her gaze to Potter, whom was considering Emmeline with an amused expression. Lily returned her gaze to her friend and found that Emmeline was engrossed in the careful observation of her eggs(Muttering 'the whites , the whites , what's so bad about them…strange Lily, so strange…') , she colored.

"You're sure?" Dorcas asked , signaling Emmeline "It doesn't seem like you'll be getting your breakfast back"

"I'm sure"

"Well, thanks."

"Uh-huh"

She tugged her boyfriend down the table , returning to their friends . Briefly, Lily wondered why Dorcas would stray so far up the Gryffindor table ( a location few other socially adept personas would dare stroll past) for a meager bowl of steaming porridge, but brushed it off as starvation.

Lily swiveled back to face her friend.

"Unhand my breakfast, Vance." She demanded "You bloody thief"

Emmeline looked startled, as if she'd been spotted naked mid-London underground.

"Well, sure." She said, handing her the pate.

"Did you scramble these eggs Emmy?"

"Yes."

"_Why?_"

Emmeline tapped the corner of her mouth thoughtfully, "Now that you question it, I'm not really sure I fully thought that part out"

Lily sighed, another morning , another reason for James Potter to ignore her presence.

"Now, Lily. I really do want to return to the present issue, before the whites of the egg and the scramble-ment of the portions….."

"You do?"

"Uh-huh"

"What was it?"

"_I_ don't know. I was merely hoping that if I ranted long enough, you would simply provide the subject for me, before I strayed too far off normal wizard conversation."

Lily sighed impatiently, looking longingly down the Gryffindor table , where the lighting was ample , the females spoke in dulcet tones and the males expelled auras of handsome illumination.

Sadly, it was just another day.

**AN: I'll end this with a poem.**

**Such Drama,**

**Well, hang in there lads,**

**it'll be over in a chapter or two.**

'**though I doubt my hand will type, **

**If you don't,**

**REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!**

**I know, it was bollocks , but it got your attention, eh?**


	2. Curtains Fall

**Curtains Fall**

**AN: Well, It seems I've returned rather quickly. So, enjoy!**

She turned back to the mirror and scrutinized herself once again, despite her lingering disappointment from her last reflection five minutes ago.

"Blimey" she breathed.

"Lily?"

"Hmmm, yes Em?" she swiveled left and narrowed her eyes at her profile.

"You look fine"

Lily turned towards her friends' bed, startled. "What?" she said "I-I don't- care"

Emmeline smirked "Sure"

Lily sighed , "It's obvious isn't it?"

"What is? That you actually _care_ what you look like?"

She shifted her feet, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear, " Oh, well..yea…that"

" 'course it is. That's the fifth ruddy time you've looked in the mirror in the last twenty minutes"

"Is not!" she protested "I—"

"Listen, Lily. I'm feeling unusually sober today. I know you're nervous and you don't plan on telling me what about, but, would you mind not being argumentative _for once_?" Emmeline's voice took an uncharacteristic edge.

"I did notice that" Lily replied , sighing heavily, "You didn't slam your head into the bed post this morning"

"No?" Emmeline asked "That's odd"

"Quite" she charmed one last pin into her immaculate bun and smiled jerkily.

"Well?"

For some odd seconds , Emmy just observed her appearance quietly , blinking occasionally , then she burst out laughing.

Lily looked affronted , then her expression morphed to severe annoyance and she began to tap her foot impatiently.

"Ahahaha—sorry—ahaha—it's just—haha—oh bollocks!"

"What is it, Em?" she scurried over t her bedside , suddenly worried, "What happened?"

Emmeline smiled sheepishly "I've gone and done a wee piss"

"What?" Lily looked exasperated "Oh, honestly! A 'wee piss', Em? What are you, four years old?"

"Oi! What do you know? I might have a weak bladder, you pompous, prissy, future prefect!" Emmeline huffed on the way to the bathroom ,

"Really?" Lily squealed "Future Prefect, Em? You really think so?"

"You're really hopeless , Lily" Emmeline reasoned through the door "I mean, of all the phrases in that sentence that could've caught your attention, only that pathetic excuse of an insult did" Lily heard the refreshing sounds of the toilet flushing, then, soon after, emerged Emmy sporting a new pair of pajama bottoms.

"You're sure you won't come to Hogsmeade with me?" Lily said, sounding strange with the tone of finality her voice held.

"I _told_ you, Lily. I simply cannot be seen in public in this condition!" Emmeline snapped.

Lily rolled her eyes "Oh yes, _excuse me_, mam. Merlin forbid you be seen under normal circumstances!"

"Exactly!" she exclaimed , flinging herself upon the mattress.

"Ughh!" Lily threw down her bag "You infuriate me!"

"I know" Emmeline replied happily "Come here, I need to fix your hair"

"What's wrong with it?" she reached up a tentative hand , fearfully stroking it .

"There's not much _wrong_ with it, exactly" she said , motioning her over "It's just….you resemble a pubescent McGonagall" she finished apologetically.

Lily cringed "_Ooooooooh, Emmy_" she shuddered , "Couldn't I have been spared from that imagery?"

"I thought you would've seen it in the mirror"

"You _sodding _cow"

"At least _I _have no regard for the rules"

"How's that relevant?" Lily said "I highly doubt your disregard for the rules has any influence on your heifer tendencies"

"Oh shut up" Emmeline tugged on her hair.

"Ow!"

"That's what you get!"

"I don't like this attentive, sarcastic, berk-ish side of you!" Lily exclaimed rubbing her scalp.

"It's called PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROM!" she screeched , draping a dramatic arm over her face.

"It is not!" Lily yelled back, picking up her bag. "You're already menstruating you daft wally!"

CLONK.

"Ow!"

"Hahahahahahaah!" Emmeline flung her arms into the air "Triumph!"

"That was my bloody _EYE_, Em!" she cupped her right eye carefully, kneeling and picking up the discarded hairbrush.

"Oi, Em!"

"Wha—"

DUNK.

"Oh bloody-whopping-OW!"

Lily gave a prompt nod, satisfied. She shook out her hair and glanced furtively at the mirror , then sighed.

"OW!OWOWOW, _BLOODY_—OW!" she took a gulp of air before beginning again "OWOWOWY—"

"OI! Who's the noisy sod making such a bloody fuss? Huh?"

"No need to get so _shirty _with us McKinnon" Emmeline muttered.

"S-s-sorry, Marlene. W-we uh…cast a silencing charm, b-bu-but I guess I should've done it, instead of Em"

"_Evans_?" Marlene squeaked disbelievingly, eying her up and down , "Since when do _you_ dress up? Hot date?" she mocked.

"Shut up McKinnon. Get some beauty sleep, maybe if you keep the lights dimmed, some poor sod'll mistake you for someone attractive"

Marlene narrowed her eyes "Ugh, Vance. It seems you're in one of _those_ mood again , so I'll ignore that comment. Sorry Lily, I didn't mean to offend."

Lily sent her a meek smile and Marlene closed her curtains. She let out a relieved sigh and charmed Marlene's bed again.

Emmeline glared at the closed curtains for some time , before sighing and plopping back into her bed sheets.

"She's so…_nasty_ in the morning" she commented.

Lily nodded.

"Now, about your hair…"

"Forget it" she balanced her purse on her shoulder "I'll just go like this….it's just bloody Hogsmeade" she finished bitterly.

"You don't have a date, then?"

"No" she snapped , "Listen, I'm leaving. I'll be back in a couple of hours."

"Wait, Lily—"

She slammed the door shut.

"OI! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID I _JUST_ SAY?"

"Shut your face, McKinnon!"

OoO

Lily inhaled deeply, then exhaled. Her hand was extended above the door handle of the Three Broomsticks , the intent on grasping it vivid in her mind. She took another breath, held it , and was about to exhale when

" 'you plan on goin' in this week? MOVE!"

Lily glanced over shoulder nervously, and sure enough, standing there were a group of sneering Slytherins, heads cocked to the side and wands lazily pointing at her face.

" What a compromising situation this is, innit mudblood?" Theodore Not raised his wand , stepping closer "Answer me!"

"I-I-I'm sorry, I'll g-g-go" she stuttered .

Theodore cackled cruelly, " There, apologize, mudblood. It's all your good for." He continued, pressing the wand onto her nose "Why are you a Gryffindor anyway?"

She cringed and he laughed again, his posse joining, "How 'bout we teach you a lesson, mudblood?"

"My name's Lily" she whispered.

"What was that?" he leaned forward , "Oh, right. I don't care."

His friends laughed appreciatively , Lily's eyes widened

"Now—"

The door to the Three Broomsticks pushed opened behind Lily, causing Not to back off and Lily to trip forward.

It was the Marauders.

"Look Sirius, it's our favorite people!" James squealed, clapping his hands in mock excitement .

" That it is James!" Sirius accented "Should we greet them accordingly?"

"Of course!"

James sent a stupefying hex to Snape, Not and Regulus, mentally crossing off the tallies. Sirius , ever the extravagant one, began dueling with his female cousin, before petrifying her.

"You're such a bloody showoff , Sirius"

He chuckled, "I know" he replied, shrugging "It's fun"

"Are you alright?" Remus extended a hand to Lily, whom lay on the ground , clutching her chest.

"Than you" she said quietly, addressing all of them , but her gaze lingered on James, who did not notice.

"Don't mention it" Sirius flung his hair over his shoulder "It's what we do" he smugly began to observe his fingernails , obviously bored with the conversation.

"Where's Pete?" James asked from beside Snape, kicking him. "These won't last much longer"

"He's getting a crate of butterbeer." Remus said , glancing out of the corner of his eye at a blushing Lily.

"Why?" Sirius asked, bored.

"You asked him to"

"Oh" he shook out his hair "Stupid twonk's taking his sweet time though , inee?"

"I didn't do it on purpose" protested a small voice from the door.

Peter's face was re from the strain, his small eyes barely peeking form above the crate, he slowly made his way to the Marauders. When he caught sight of the now twitching Slytherins he gasped.

"What happened?"

"Nothin' much." Sirius said nonchalantly "Just James playing the part of the hero"

He turned to look at Lily , whom was smiling openly at James (not that he noticed) and raised a brow. When she realized he was looking at her , she turned a deeper rouge and lowered her gaze, shifting her feet.

"Gimme that , Pete" James grabbed the crate from his hands , causing Peter to sigh thankfully. "Lets go"

Lily's face displayed a disappointed frown as she waved their departure. She figured she didn't have much to loose , and that this was the only chance she was going to get.

"James!" she called softly, but he didn't hear. "James!" a little louder.

Still he didn't turn around. The gusts of winter carried her voice gently like lotus buds on a pond surface, but they didn't let her intent through.

"JAMES!" he looked over his shoulder and smiled ,then motioned his friends ahead, dumping his burden into Sirius's outstretched arms. He jogged to her.

"What is it?" he gasped , pulling his scarf tighter around his neck.

"I-I wanted to talk to you" she whispered "alone"

"Oh" he raised a brow "Well then, shall we?" he extended an arm towards the Three Broomsticks, then raced ahead to hold the door open for her.

Lily blushed , but nodded her thanks.

Once inside , James strutted cockily to the bar and ordered two butterbeers , all the while winking at Lily , who was seated in a booth across.

She wriggled uncomfortably until he returned, the warm drinks grasped tightly in his hands.

"So…" he began conversationally "What was it you wanted to talk to me about?" he raised the glass to his mouth , taking a generous gulp.

Lily sighed , looking down into her drink, then taking a small sip.

"I wanted to tell you something…"

"Yea…."

"Well, it's something that's a bit important to me,"

"Yes, and?" he drank another gulp "what is it for Merlin's sake!"

"I-I…" she inhaled deeply "like you" she whispered.

"What was that?" he'd heard her, for his grin was widening self-importantly and his eyes gleamed with pure amusement.

"I like you" she said more confidently "a lot" she raised her gaze to find James chuckling quietly.

"What?" she snapped "what's so funny?"

"That's it?" he laughed "That's all you wanted to tell me?"

She looked puzzled "Yes"

"Oh, Merlin. I thought it was important"

Lily was taken aback "It _is_ important"

His laugh abated to a low chuckle and he said "Of course it is….uh…Mily"

She narrowed her eyes "It's Lily" she hissed.

That started him off again and he was laughing so much that the neighboring tables looked over curiously.

Lily looked around desperately, it seemed everyone was laughing. Had they heard her? Was she loud?

"Listen, Lily," James chortled "I barely know you…..and it's not like you're the first one to say that" he said reasonably "You don't expect me to go out with you, do you?"

Lily's lower lip began to quiver , all her previous confidence gone . She reached for her purse and snatched it from the table , standing up.

James caught her forearm " Look, do you want me to apologize? I will, it's just…well,"

He looked up at her, his eyes were still live with laughter "I didn't _do_ anything"

She wrenched her arm form his grasp and marched outside. The Slytherins were gone and the sky was a murky gray color, casting a dingy light on all.

Lily furiously wiped her eyes , stomping up the street, hoping mightily that James wouldn't tell anybody.

OoO

He did. For the following weeks and a bit after Christmas vacations , Lily couldn't go anywhere in the castle without someone chuckling behind her, smirking and whispering under their breath.

She hated him , and the change was so immense that it staggered her. Instead of the longing glances she'd flung in his general direction, glares. Instead of the few polite words , she ignored him.

"Look Lily," Emmeline said a few mornings after the incident "The way I see it, you can continue sulking , whimpering and being a downright pansy—"

"I see you're still menstruating" Lily interrupted wryly.

She waved her hand dismissively "Or, you can get angry"

Lily stroked her chin thoughtfully,

"Angry, you say?"

"Yes," Emmeline clasped Lily's hand passionately "Positively _livid_"

**AN: OOOOOOH! **

**How Fun!**

**Perhaps you didn't get my telepathic messages, telling my rabid readers (snort) to review. Well, now it's on paper, (meaning you can _read _my command) so, you have no excuses.**

**REVIEW! **


	3. Brawls with a Backbone

**Brawls With a Backbone**

**AN: Wow. I think my fingers are bleeding. OOOOoh, the pain, typing for two reviewers. Ah, who cares? I lub you guyz.**

The journey to Kings Cross was always an unpleasant one. Or at least , it had been for Lily Evans for the past five years. Curiously enough, she couldn't remember a time in which the intent on coming to Kings Cross was not to return to Hogwarts.

Such thoughts she mused in a vacant attempt to drone out her sister's hesitant company.

She couldn't understand why her mother had insisted Petunia be present at her departure, as it was obvious the fishing-pole sized adolescent was a bit less than eager to accompany them.

"No"

"But Petunia darling, it would mean a lot to your sister—"

"No it wouldn't" Lily supplied from the opposite corner of the counter.

"Lily, you are _not_ helping—"

"See mother?" Petunia said in a scandalized tone "See what a _freak_ I have to deal with?"

Lily sipped her Earl Grey calmly , " Petunia, I hardly think it's acceptable to talk about yourself in such a way"

"Why you insolent little—"

"Girls!" their mother snapped , smoothing back her glossy locks "You are sisters! Both of you should at least make an _attempt _at getting along!" she slapped her palm to the counter top, breathing heavily.

Petunia glanced at the hand warily, raising a meticulously plucked eyebrow, "Mother," she began in a snooty tone, "I see no point in attempting to associate with such a monstrosity" she pointed a spidery finger in Lily's direction, "_You_ may claim she is my sibling , yet I know different"

"Petunia!" their mother gasped "What an awful—"

"Let her finish, mum" Lily put down her china .

" Listen mother, you may think this indecent or-or" she tapped her heeled foot as she searched for the correct word "_impolite_, but, I cannot be—_am_ not, related to such an abnormal _freak_!"

Their mother gasped , clutching her left flank as if mortally wounded, but Petunia pursued on ,

"I mean, who is to say you didn't pick up the wrong child in the hospital? Maybe—maybe she belongs to one of those freakish families , and we've been housing a complete stranger for fifteen years!" she finished her tirade with a monstrous intake of breath , small rebellious fringe escaping the bind of her hair.

Lily nodded , picked up her china and moved with a calculated placid demeanor towards the sink, she set the porcelain down and turned around to face her sister .

"I see 'tuna" Petunia cringed at the nickname (which was , without a doubt , Lily's intention) " Your theory does seem to have some ring of credibility, however, I see a flaw" she sneered , "Couldn't _you_ be the mistake? Perhaps _you_ are the one that does not belong in this family! Maybe _you_ are the disfigured monstrosity given to the wrong patient! You sure look the part!"

"Shut up!" Petunia screeched and in two strides, she touched noses with her red-headed nemesis "What do you know? You're just a mistake, an abnormal freakish mistake! Don't fool yourself thinking otherwise!"

"Stop! Just bloody—_STOP!_" Charlotte Evans was a small woman, but when she pushed against her daughters , she had the strength of ten women her size.

Petunia smacked against the opposite wall , Charlotte was standing between them , her hands outstretched in their directions.

"Never again! Do you hear me?" she yelled , her normally soft voice agonizing their ears and causing them to flinch "_NEVER!" _she took a breath , glaring menacingly at both of them, "Petunia will go to Kings Cross tomorrow, I don't give a sodding rat's arse if either of you don't like the idea, understand?"

"Yes Mum"

"…..mother?"

"Petunia!"

"Fine, alright , I'll go. Satisfied?"

She sighed "Yes."

OoO

Lily pushed her trolley , glancing waywardly behind her. Her mother was waving cheerfully, a diminutive hanky pressed into her chest , while Petunia scowled derisively.

She waved at her mother, choosing to ignore Petunia's smug horse-face, then ran through the barrier, back to Hogwarts, where she could show off her new exterior.

It was ten thirty , but the platform was relatively empty. She saw few people she recognized , though a few she could pinpoint as Ravenclaws. Lily decided to board the train, seeing as Emmeline would most likely jump onto the engine as it was speeding off (she always managed to forget the time in which the train left) and find a compartment .

She was about to make her way to the entrance when she felt her trolley collide with something and eventually , go over it.

_Thuthump!_

Lily stopped abruptly , her eyes wide. Her knuckles turned white with the force she was gripping the handle.

Oh Merlin! She'd ran over something……with a bloody _trolley_! She glanced about her, no one seemed to be paying any closer attention to her than they had before….

Carefully, she peeked over the side of the trolley. Whatever it was that she'd run over didn't seem to be large. She couldn't see it. Lily bit her nails, then sighed dejectedly. Of course something like this would happen to her, of all people. If nothing else, she could find some comfort in the fact that this situation , like many she'd accumulated over the years was nothing if not typical, bloody _sodding_ typical.

When she was five years old, and her two friends had collectively decided to empty their large intestines through their anuses in her kiddie pool , that was a bit of a misfortune .However, when she'd been _blamed_ for it, that was just irritatingly typical( as if she could've shat out that monstrous amount of pastry when she'd had none(though whatever had been wading around in the pool could hardly have been classified as 'previously pastry')).

When she was in grade school and she'd managed to perform a flawless monkey roll without cracking her skull open , it was just _typical _that while she'd executed the move beautifully , she'd gotten a wad of odious gum imbedded onto her skull . Lily had looked like a bloody army-brat for the next two weeks as she'd had to shave all her precios hair off.

And—

"Are you alright miss? You seem a bit….withdrawn"

She whipped around , gladness coming over her as she thought of playing the part of damsel in distress , when she realized just _who_ was behind her.

_Typical_, she thought as she looked into the faces of the Hogwarts Royalty, the crème de la crème and the cherry on top. James Potter and his pissy-arsed pillock posse, Sirius Black , Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew.

"I'm fine" she snapped.

"Do I know you?" James smirked his smug little smile , looking her up and down "I _should_"

Lily raised a brow, "You don't remember me?" she asked coldly.

"I could never forget _you_, love"

"Huh" she said , clearly annoyed " Bit sad that you _did _though , innit?"

James looked surprised and more than a bit shocked at her blatant dislike of him, but nonetheless pursued on.

"That _would_ be sad , if I _had_ known you. However , I'm sure I could've never forgotten such a pretty…." He let his eyes roam over her "face" he finished.

She seemed less than amused , "'Sucks to be you then," Lily said nonchalantly "What with such a poor memory accompanied with so many less than redeeming qualities, I'm surprised you haven't slit your wrists"

James looked affronted " Less than redeeming qualities , you say? I have none!" he chuckled with false confidence "Are you new to Hogwarts?"

"Obviously not , Potter." She exclaimed "Just because _you've_ had a lapse of memory for the last five years doesn't mean that no others remember me"

"Oh yea? Who remembers you?"

"I do" spoke Remus, the only one of Potter's posse still lingering (The other two having sped away after the newest female fat camp graduates)"Hullo Lily , it's nice to see you again"

" It'd be nice to return the sentiment , Remus. And I _would_ say that I'd wish it could be so but, that'd be a lie, and I'm no liar"

"I'm sorry to hear that" he sighed

"No you're not" Lily said.

"Look Potter—"

"James"

"What?" she snapped.

"Call me James, love" he just didn't get it , did he?

Lily cocked an eyebrow and smirked inwardly "Alright _James_, " she began with over exuberance " Can you help me with something?"

"Of course, love" he replied cockily , sending Remus a look of triumph .

"Well, you see, there's something trapped in the front of my trolley, and I was wondering if you could get it out for me…."

"Why not?" he smiled "Anything for you, love"

He strutted to the front of the trolley and Lily walked casually to the back of it,whistling tunelessly. Remus glanced at her curiously and was about to inquire as to her position when she sent him an icy glare that erased all earlier intentions.

James reached his head in front of the trolley , kneeling and casually swinging his bum from side to side in case the attractive red-head was standing behind him. He started to poke his fingers through the front and was almost positive to have felt a slimy 'x' character between his fingers before,

"Oh , Jaaa-ames!" Lily called in a sing-song voice .

"Wha—"

WAM!

Just like that , Lily pushed the trolley from behind , hitting James full on , his nose giving a sickening crack as he was pushed back into the platform floor. He whimpered quietly, surprisingly not catching the attention of any outside persons.

He closed his eyes , clutching his nose, hearing the sounds of footsteps .

'Why'd you _do_ that Lily—" that was Remus, ever the caring one. "You could loose your Prefect status!" Oh, well, nevermind then.

"How did you know I was a prefect?" that horrid , horrid (sadly beautiful) but Horrid girl asked snappishly.

"Intuition" Remus muttered "But why would you do such a thing?"

"Don't get your knickers in a twist _Marauder_" she sneered " Your little nod-headed leader just has a broken nose, as well as a thoroughly _mangled_ ego"

She leaned down next to James , putting her mouth close to his ear "Karma , Potter. Learn the concept. Perhaps you'll remember my name _this_ time." He heard the smirk in her voice "It's Lily, Lily Evans"

OoO

Curiously, the 'something' Lily had ran over when she'd first arrived in the platform had been a rather young toad , belonging to an incoming first-year. She'd learned this few minutes after arriving in the Prefects compartment . Lily had been sitting there , cheerfully catching up on some reading when a large shadow obscured the next passage.

Finally, annoyed , she looked up to find the cocky smiling face of Amos Diggory.

"Alright?" he said casually.

"Peachy" she replied , touchily.

"You're Lily Evans , right?"

She narrowed her eyes "Yes" she leaned forward in mock excitement "And you're an arrogant buffoon with an ego the size of Russia, right?" Lily smirked "Your reputation precedes you, I'm afraid"

"I deserved that"

"And more" she added .

He nodded , "May I ?" he pointed to the vacant seat beside her .

She huffed "If you must"

He smiled winningly and sat down "I came to apologize"

Lily rolled her eyes "Oh really?" she replied , "Why exactly?"

"Because, well—" he sighed "I've been an impossible berk, especially to you."

"In which occasions specifically? When you announced to the Great Hall I was stalking Potter? Or that other time when you proclaimed I was accosting not only Potter, but every good-looking male in Hogwarts?"

"I'm sorry" he said meekly "I guess I wasn't really thinking when I said that bollocks—"

"No you weren't . Get out." She interrupted tersely.

"But—"

"No. No 'buts' , no explanations. You didn't give me a chance to explain last year. Why should I give you one?"

"I understand—"

"Diggory!" a voice hissed form the compartment door, it was Potter. His nose was brilliantly bandaged and his mouth was twisted in a scowl of intense dislike.

"Potter" Diggory chuckled "You look—"

"Like shit" Lily interrupted , smirking smugly. "They couldn't fix your nose Potter?"

"No" he snapped "I'll have to wait 'till I get to Hogwarts so Poppy can take a look at it"

"Oh." Lily said , then shrugged "I really don't care for your company , Potter. Why are you here?"

He frowned minimally for a second then caught himself, "I was just wondering if it was you who started that ridiculous rumor"

"What ridiculous rumor?"

"Of course she didn't Potter! Lily's a lady!"

James rolled his eyes, choosing to ignore Diggory and entering the compartment fully.

Lily was looking amusedly at Diggory "Though I am female Diggory, I cannot see how that influences what I say or do not say. Also what do you know about me? Nothing more than your own concoctions , prejudice and conclusions. I highly doubt then, that you know my linguistic tendencies. Unless of curse," she finished with a bitter smirk "It's been _you_ stalking _me_ all along."

"Touché" Amos supplied.

"As always" she turned to James , whom was now sitting at the opposite end of the compartment "You were saying , Potter?"

"Oh , yes" he collected his thoughts "Someone's been talking out of their arse—"

"It happens," Lily interrupted, "usually to you" and Amos snickered.

"Let me finish!" James snapped "They've been saying that I got attacked by a firstie's toad and that I am now sustaining physical evidence (meaning my broken nose) that the toad was successful"

"That _is_ ridiculous" Lily said, making a face "That's not the one I heard"

"There's another? Was it about me?"

"Obviously"

"What is it?"

"Well, that in addition to your _other_ sexual deficiencies, you've been cradle-snatching pets from the First-years to sedate your perverted appetite"

"Oh, Lord" James said "Really? They've been saying _that_?"

"Awful, innit?" she crossed two fingers delicately behind her back, then shook her head "Oh, well. I can't bring myself to feel sorry for you, pity. So, do you mind?" she pointed out the door.

James looked startled "What about Diggory?"

Lily eyed Amos whom was visibly shaking with laughter, and shrugged "Leave, Diggory" she commanded. He stood, bowed, still chuckling and left the compartment, promptly followed by Potter.

As she closed the door behind them she laughed quietly to herself, opening her book once more. She figured the free food would attract Emmeline , and that she could stay seated for at least a little while longer.

_Ahhh, revenge. So sweet, so cold_, she mused.

**AN: Lily's icy, ain't she?**

**Ah, poor doll. She's got reason to be. Well, you know what I want.**

**(For those of you lacking a brain, that's a cue for you to REVIEW!)**


	4. Momentary Lapse of Memory

**Momentary Lapse of Memory**

**AN: I'm guessing I'm more than fond of writing this 'fluff'. I can't seem to stop updating.**

The strain was positively stunning. She'd taken to hallucinating the professors had red pointed tails , horns, and a rather intimidating evil demeanor, (though the latter was not so hard to imagine). The weight of the dozens of scrolls of parchment , replacement quills for when the feeble ones broke under the force of her scribbling, and textbooks was damaging her brain.

She couldn't imagine how, but it was. Lately, once she got to the Common Room and rechecked her notes , she'd notice it was nothing more than scribble, meaningless annotations that had no significance to her person whatsoever.

One afternoon , she'd gotten so irritated , she'd asked Emmeline to interpret them.

"Well?" Lily peaked warily over Emmeline's shoulder. "Can you read it?"

"Oh…well, uh…no" she turned a page "Kind of looks like Elfish"

"_Elfish_?" Lily squeaked disbelievingly "Emmy, I don't know Elfish"

"Well, perhaps you've know the language subconsciously" Emmy reasoned, "It's possible. My Great-uncle Gerof spoke Muggle and he never knew. Told me so himself"

Lily smacked her forehead with the butt of her palm, snatching the papers back from her friend's grip "I'm no Elf, Em!" she snapped "For one" she sighed and continued, lowering her voice "Secondly , there's no such thing as 'Speaking Muggle' , it isn't a language!" the few others in the room began to raise eyebrows , "And finally, your Great-Uncle Gerof was a raving alcoholic ,Em! Why would you listen to _anything_ he said?"

Gasping for breath, she collapsed into the seat beside Emmleine's , and made a grab for her fallen notes, which had fallen from her hands.

"Let me get that for you, love"

"I have no patience for you today, Potter"

"James , hello." Emmeline smiled pleasantly "Did you know Lily spoke Elfish?"

"Elfish?" James raised a skeptical brow "I though only Elves knew the language" a ghost of a smile played on his lips as he handed the scrolls to Lily, whom snatched them from his grasp as if he was diseased.

"I don't speak Elfish" she sent a scathing look at Emmeline whom was busy inspecting the fringe escaping the armrest of her seat. "What do you want?"

"Just to look at your lovely face—"

"Look Potter, I _told_ I had no time for this. O.W.L.s are in seven months and my nerves are at a breaking point, my owl dropped dead yesterday because some idiotic _berk_ fed it Fizzing Whizbees , and if that wasn't enough ,I've got my bloody—uh, nevermind"

she took a breath "See? Do you understand now why I can't deal with your moronic charades and mediocre speaking abilities?"

"Yes" he nodded ,then squinted his eyes while his tongue poked out of the corner of his mouth "Wait, no. What exactly do you mean by 'mediocre speaking abilities'?"

"Just that, Potter. I'll be surprised if we could sustain a conversation without you looking down my front or professing your love for Quidditch statistics"

"Is that a bet?" he raised both brows.

"No" she returned her attention to the parchment in front of her.

"Why? Scared you'll loose?"

"No Potter, I'm not scared to loose." She said icily "After all, we Gryffindors don't scare so easily"

"Then why won't you bet with me?"

She whipped around angrily "Because I have nothing to _gain _, you pathetic sod!"

"What if I said I'll take you to the next visit to Hogsmeade?"

She sighed "Then I'd have to try not to empty the contents of my stomach on you"

He smirked , then put his right had over his heart " You shatter my essence , Evans"

Somewhere around the left corner of the Common Room, two simultaneous sighs were uttered loudly.

"Good." She rolled her eyes at the friends in the corner "Listen, why don't you pay a visit to your fan club, or have a chat with your posse, or have a bit of a snog with your reflection—whatever it is you royal blokes do" she smiled widely "And disappear from my line of vision"

James shrugged nonchalantly , pocketing his hands and winking at her, then walking towards his mates.

"Another failed attempt , Prongs?" Sirius called as he neared.

"Of course , Padfoot" James sighed.

"Shut _up_, you bloody oafs!" Remus hissed viciously "What if someone heard you?" he thumped them over the head .

"OW!" James rubbed his scalp tenderly.

"Stop it, Moony!" Sirius whined , succeeding only in sending Remus into a further frenzy.

"_Never_—thump—say—thump thump—my codename—thump—in public!—Thump. Thump. Thump."

"Remus! Control yourself!"

Remus straightened his robes , glaring at James "Pillock" he muttered.

"What?" he asked "We figured no one would understand them, assuming it was just another Marauder inside joke" James explained.

Remus colored , glancing sideways at Sirius, whom was on the floor , cradling his skull delicately.

"Oh" he said meekly, "Well, uh…." He glanced about , searching for a quick change of subject "Where's Peter?"

"Dunno" Sirius replied , emerging from his crouch with a conjured cast that curiously resembled a yamaka, "Haven't seen him since we left the kitchens" then , as if reminded, Sirius reached into the inside pocket of his robe and pulled out a round tart, covered in mold and unusually colored lint.

"Ugh, Sirius. Your not going to eat that , are you?" Remus's face contorted in disgust.

"And why not?" he demanded , pinching his fingers together and removing a rather large fuzz "It's a Treacle Tart, what kind of inhuman being leaves a Treacle Tart uneaten?"

James leaned against the wall in thought, propping a foot onto it. "Actually Sirius , you have a point" he said.

"No he doesn't!" Remus protested "We went to the kitchens _two days_ ago , how sanitary do you think it is to eat _anything_ that's been in Sirius's pockets that long?"

"Pansy" Sirius breathed.

"Oi, wait! Does that mean we haven't seen Peter in two days?" James asked .

"Apparently so." Said Remus.

"Thank bloody Merlin"

"That's not nice, Sirius"

"So?" he said in a lofty tone "What're you going to do about it , _Mum_?"

"Oh shut up, the lot of you" Remus snapped "You fight like a pair of sodding ponceys!"

James and Sirius glared at each other, then turned back to Remus, "We'll just have to go look for him"

"But, w_hy_?" Sirius whined.

"Because—well, erm……Remus?"

"He might be in trouble"

"Yes, well. There you have it Sirius!" James proclaimed , puffing out his chest "Wormtail may be in grave peril!"

"Or he might've locked himself in his trunk again" Sirius replied wryly.

James glanced sideways at Sirius, and burst out laughing, Remus just crossed his arms and smiled.

"That's the first place we'll check" James chuckled "I hardly think there'll be any of Melvin's droppings left for Peter to survive on"

"Not since last week, no" Sirius laughed.

Meanwhile…

"Em….." Lily whined

"Yes?"

"My brain's gone and melted" Lily leaned further into her chair "Be a dear and buy me a new one , will you?"

Emmeline looked up from her Divination textbook with a frown "I haven't any money" , she shrugged nonchalantly "Sorry"

"Emmmmmyyyyyyyyy….." Lily whined "I'm bored"

She rolled her eyes at the paper " I thought your brain melted"

"It did," she said "That's why I'm bored"

Emmy sighed "Why don't you play with your cat?"

"Emmy!" Lily narrowed her eyes to slits "Crookshanks escaped two years ago!"

She looked up from her book in surprise , then laughed, hitting her forehead with the textbook "That's right!" she exclaimed "You were mourning for _ages_!"

"Only because _you_ left his cage open!" she snapped .

"Animals aren't meant to be in cages ,Lily" Emmeline replied sensibly "He looked so helpless…."

"He was half bloody Kneazel!" she was turning red with anger "If I'd let him out during the day he would've ripped the sodding dormitory apart!" she sighed dejectedly "He could've jumped out the window…..crushing his little skull against the ground…" she sniffled "Poor Crookshanks…."

"Even if he _did_ fall on his face, 'wouldn't have made much of a difference" Emmy muttered , not as quietly as she would've hoped .

"What was that , _dear_?"

"Uh…well, just that…"

"_Yes?_" she hissed.

"He was bloody _ugly_, Lily! He was _hideous_! _And_ he was psychotic! He hissed at bleeding _walls_, for Merlin's sake!"

Lily shook with anger "So you _murdered_ my poor Crookshanks?" she whispered "Why you-you-_Murderer _. I'll bloody _rip_—"

The Marauders laughed loudly from the opposite side of the Common Room, interrupting Lily's murderous intents.

The redhead sighed "Imbecilic buggers" she muttered , dropping back into her seat .

"Sorry Emmy." Lily said "I was just bored. 'Finished all my assignments yesterday" she explained.

" S'alright " she shrugged, reaching for the fallen textbook,"Sporadic argument . We have it every fifteen days or so…"

"Oh"

"Yea….hey, erm…do you know what chapter I was on?" she smiled sheepishly "I can't remember"

"No" Lily said , smiling.

"_Bugger_"

They laughed, eventually settling into a comfortable silence.

Emmeline turned her chair so that it was facing Lily, "What ever happened to your little fancy man?"

Lily arched a brow "Which?"

Emmeline smirked "You know…" she pointed to the opposite corner .

"You remember?" Lily asked , surprised .

"Of course!" she exclaimed .

"Well…" Lily began "I stopped fancying his arse off after that Hogsmeade trip. He was such a bloody _prick_ that I just…, well, hated him. To put it simply, I wanted him to trip into a hole with bloody spears at the bottom" she took a breath, not looking up from her twiddling thumbs.

"That bad?"

"Yea…"

"And now?"

"It's different now…."

"Different how?"

"I was getting to that!" Lily snapped nervously " I've realized he's a different person than I thought he was, I mean , when I first fancied him. You see, I had this picture in my head of what James Potter would be like, talk like…" she blushed "kiss like. But that was all rubbish , since I'd never actually _talked_ to him. So, I guess, in a way, I was being unfair to Potter, expecting him to be this…I dunno…Merlin of sorts, when he's just…well, Potter."

Emmeline nodded slowly, a smiled spreading across her face.

"Don't get any ideas" Lily said quickly "I still rather date a fried turd than _Potter_"

"Uh-huh" Emmy leaned forward and grabbed Lily's hand "Fried turd? I believe someone is inadvertently begging for some nosh"

Lily's stomach grumbled and she smirked "I guess I _am _a little peckish"

" And what better way to cure you of your hunger than to perform some heavy noshing!" Emmeline exclaimed "You _do_ remember where the kitchens are , don't you?"

"Couldn't we just go to dinner?" she pointed at the clock "It's nearly time"

"Oh, well then. Forward, I say!"

OoO

James sat silently behind the couch, shadows playing gently across his face. Still the soft voice of Lily Evans replayed in his mind, rolling every detail over and over then once again until he had her little speech memorized.

He remembered. James _remembered_ , and he could not recall a time where he felt more like a stinking pile of steaming dung.

OoO

**AN: I think the next two chapters will still be about fifth-year. So if you want to see them within a week, give me some much appreciated feedback.**

**I'll be waiting!**


	5. The Thing About Christmas

**The Thing About Christmas…**

**AN: Hullo. **

Ahh, Christmas. Hogwarts seemed to be overwhelmed in a reddish-green glow. Through every corridor, the strength of the joyous and sometimes over-stressed auras plagued the over-sensitive peoples , sometimes causing them distress in turn.

"Just get him chocolates, child, and leave me in peace!" cried Professor Celestine.

"What do you mean?" piped up the diminutive Bertha Jokins.

Professor Celestine, ever the fan for dramatics , placed a spidery hand upon her brow "Your powerful aura of jittery nerves and" she smirked at the girl's wrapped expression from under her palm "_cuddly_ emotions is disturbing my tea"

"Really, Professor?" the girl asked "That's strange…"

"Why is that child?" Celestine asked bitterly, "You think it strange that your old 'batty' Professor can make a correct reading?"

"Oh no, no," she shook her head "It's not that….it's just, well, I was wondering how you meant for me to give Webster (my beagle) chocolates…he's terribly allergic"

Professor Celestine winced , her shoulders drooping slightly , her bangles tinkling as she lowered her arms. She made a sort of 'oh' formation with her mouth. But suddenly, her arms were outstretched , reaching for the girls neck , her face scrunched into a terrifying scowl.

"DARE YOU SAY I'VE MADE A FAULTY READING?"

Bertha cowered under the Professor "No-no-no Professor" she stammered .

"GOOD!" she huffed "LEAVE MY PRESENCE!"

"But-but , _Professor_" she whined "I just wanted to go up to my dormitory—"

"_NOW_, CHILD!"

Bertha Jokins glowered and muttered angrily to the Common Room entrance , glancing back at the tapestry of the old drunken monk to see Professor Celestine mumbling to herself.

She left the Hufflepuff Common Room, never noticing the clock chiming the late hour, or the strange tone the misty Professor had employed.

Professor Celestine glanced behind her warily, then directed a command to her left.

"She's gone, Moony." Her voice took on the squeaky pitch of a hormonal adolescent male.

Remus Lupin's left calf made an appearance onto the scene , then, gradually, the rest of his body accompanied it.

"That was one brilliant performance, Prongs" he commented, shaking out a silvery cloak and draping it over his forearm.

"Thanks" Professor Celestine scratched the back of her neck , then attempted to run a hand through her hair before realizing it was covered in a Turkish turban.

She sighed "How much longer do I have to endure this?" she asked , pointing at her limp chest.

Remus snickered, "Not much longer James, that's why we have to hurry" he took out his pocketed wand and charmed a sign to dangle in the front of the entrance, proclaiming:

**Messers. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs**

**Resident Promoters of Mischief, **

**Are exceedingly glad to present, the new and preferable,**

**Hufflepuff Common Room.**

Remus smiled at his handiwork, obviously proud. He turned around to ask James what he thought of it to find that he (posing as Professor Celestine) was not paying attention to the sign, but busily conjuring lat year's Christmas party pictures onto the wall with a permanent sticking charm.

"Padfoot will disembowel you while you sleep" he said, with a barely hidden smirk.

James glanced over his shoulder , smiling. "I knew these pictures were going to be useful eventually" he pointed at the last one he'd propped onto the wall, "And what better time than at Christmas?"

"True…."

James charmed the last picture and turned back to Remus.

"Let's dash" he said.

Remus raised an amused brow, but ignored the statement.

Once at the door, James glanced back and observed his creation with a widening grin. Plastered from ceiling to carpeted floor were pictures of a drunken Sirius in a diminutive Santa Claus costume. In them he was swatting his bottom with a molding Licorice Wand, licking his brilliantly green lips (Teen Witch products) removing his boots with deliberate rhythm and finally, snogging his long-time companion Mister Shnuggle Boogums (a rather deformed stuffed '_light-ish red _' Elephant relic from his traumatizing childhood).

James snickered, then let the tapestry close.

OoO

Having confirmed that Sirius and Peter had finished their task in both the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor Common Rooms (and likewise had Remus and James finished their task in the Slytherin and Hufflefpuff Common Rooms) through the two-way mirror, James (still in his noisy and rather uncomfortable disguise) and Remus made their triumphant way to their dormitories.

"Halt!" came a voice from behind them.

Remus whipped around, "Lily!" he cried.

"Remus!" she returned mockingly, "And ..oh! Professor Celestine, how…peculiar to see you out of the North Tower" she commented politely.

James's eyes widened, the mannerly tone was not one his ears were quite adjusted to, coming from Lily. He stood there for a minute or so, trying to recall the time—if ever—that tone had been directed at him. He was startled from his reverie when Remus cleared his throat and motioned to an unquestionably uncomfortable Lily.

"Oh, yes, yes, 'tis strange, my dear Lily" he savored the phrase as it rolled off his tongue "Haven't seen you in my classrooms of late, have you changed courses?"

James knew this to be true as he'd known that after the first half of fourth year, Lily had changed her schedule to harbor instead of Divination, Ancient Runes.

"Yes I have Professor" she said, lowering her gaze and blushing slightly.

James heart squirmed delightedly inside his chest at the sight, "What a shame" he said, "You've grown so lovely…."

Remus cleared his throat again , this time a bit more forcefully . "Oh, oh" he gasped "It seems my throat infection is heightening Professor" he coughed for show "Weren't you going to escort me to the Hospital Wing?"

James glared at Remus and Lily looked quite perplexed at the sight , "Well then," she said "I'll have to get going. I'm patrolling, you must understand."

"Oh, yes, of course" James said dejectedly.

"See you, Lily" Remus smiled and waved .

Lily returned the gesture and turned to James "It was nice talking to you , Professor. I'm glad that now that I've left your class, you remember my name" her tone neither carried a trace of bitterness nor anger, just slight amusement.

She hustled off, idly checking behind suits of amour for misbehaving students, and then finally disappeared around the corner.

Remus watched James as he slowly returned to his normal body, his arms disappearing under the folds of fluorescent fabric, still staring longingly at the spot of her departure.

"Fancy her much?" he asked jokingly.

James looked back at him, smiling slightly "Yea…, I do"

OoO

"Wake up!"

"Bah….humbug…." a hand shot up from under the covers, waving dismissively "shoo you pesky animal, leave me in peace" Lily muttered into her pillow, burying herself deeper into her sheets and turning her head so that it faced opposite Emmeline.

"What kind of Christmas spirit is _that_ you bitter prude?"

Lily groaned into her pillows loudly, finally coming up for air "How many times must you menstruate this year?"

Emmeline looked offended "I'm not menstruating!"

"Yet" Lily hopped off her bed , planting her feet onto the stone floor before howling and scooting her legs back into bed "Bugger! You'd think that by now _someone_ would've figured out how to employ central heating in this school!"

"Oh stop being such a pansy, it's just a little chilly"

Lily scoffed " '_Just a little chilly_'" she mocked "Yea, sure, and my ancestors derived from a bloody Yeti"

"They might've" Emmeline said , "It's well known my family was started by a famous Chimera(1)"

Lily rolled her eyes " And that accounts for what, your stinking breath every other day?", she reached for her wand.

"Accio Slippers!" she called , and few seconds later her favorite pair of fluffy green slippers smacked into her face, causing two imprints of a frog-shaped nature to appear on her forehead and cheek.

Emmeline snorted meanly "Come along, _prodigy_" she said "We've got presents. And I'm pretty sure one of yours is _moving_"

Lily sighed and slipped her feet into her shoes, trailing sleepily after Emmeline to the foot of their beds .

"Where is everybody?" Lily asked , looking about.

"They're in the Common Room, opening presents together"

"How sweet" Lily said sarcastically,

"My sentiments exactly" Emmeline reached for her first present, not bothering to read who it was from and tore it open.

Lily smiled and looked to her own presents. Surprisingly, there were quite a few more than had been present a year before, most were small and professionally wrapped, as she checked the names of the senders she realized most were from her male classmates. She blushed embarrassedly; peeking over her shoulder to make sure Emmeline had not realized this fact.

She opened them slowly, folding the papers carefully and reading each card with polite interest, realizing few were not candy and most belonged to Honeydukes. Lily then proceeded to thank Emmeline for her present (a photo album of their past years together and a large leather bound book(_The Magnificent Guide to Subconscious Language_ _Reading_)) , making mental notes of whom she was to thank in the Common Room when her gaze collided with what seemed to be her final present.

It seemed obvious why she had overlooked it, for it was such an unappealing sight. A roughly dome-shaped box-of-sorts covered in pathetically wrapped red tissue paper, which shook at rare intervals. This must've been the one Emmeline was referring to earlier.

There was a card hanging dangerously off the edge of the dome, a brilliant golden color, with a swiftly scribbled ' _For Lily_' on it's front side.

She reached for it, and as she clamped a hand around it, the envelope burst into song. Tinkling like shrewd bells it sang Christmas Carols until Emmeline had the good sense to obliterate the spell.

Lily gingerly let go of her ears , as if testing the atmosphere.

"What the bloody hell?" Emmy asked annoyed.

"Dunno" Lily replied , reaching a tentative hand towards the envelope.

She grasped it , the dome shook and all was silent. Lily let out the breath she'd been holding.

"Thank Merlin" she breathed "What exactly _was_ that?"

"Can't imagine" said Emmeline "Though I could roughly describe it as a banshee with it's lungs squeezed out …." She tapped her chin "on helium"

"Perhaps it's toe's been squashed in a door" Lily added.

Emmeline grinned "Yes, that sounds about right."

Shaking her head , Lily ripped open the colorful paper. Inside, surprisingly, was a letter written on an ordinary fragment of parchment, with the same handwriting that'd been on the envelope.

_Dear Lily_, it began,

_Merry Christmas! You must forgive me for my poor wrapping skills, even with the aid of magic, one present wrapped by James Potter could never compare to one wrapped by Giants.—_

James Potter! Lily glared at the parchment , then at the dome-shaped present, it seemed to quiver in fear.

"Lily…." Emmeline warned (she'd been reading the letter from over her shoulder ) "Just read it. Might be a good present"

"It doesn't matter, it's from_Potter_!" Lily hissed .

"And what? A present is a present," she continued reading the letter.

Lily sighed , eventually returning to the letter.

—_Consider this a 'truce' of sorts. Enclosed is something I hope you'll enjoy, for it brought me great pleasure in the few short moments I shared with it. She has no name, so will answer to anything you call her._

_With…uh…care?_

_James Potter_

_P.S.: she made me think of you._

Lily looked up from the letter with more than a bit of confusion, but quickly finding that Emmeline had already ripped open the hideous wrapping paper, she hurried over to it.

It was a cage, marvelously painted a brilliant red color, intricate patters playing across the top, like a cooling breeze. Honey colored feathers flapped furiously inside it, and large curiously green eyes blinked at her, it's head cocked to the side. She hooted affectionately. Emmeline smiled contently, watching her friend blink repeatedly as if she couldn't believe what she was seeing.

An Owl.

OoO

Emmeline rushed out of the bathroom, ebony hair fanning out behind her like a dingy curtain. She hopped to her trunk , quickly ridding herself of her towel and donning on a festive sweater. She looked over at Lily, sitting on her bed, cooing and doting over her new pet.

"Named her yet?" she asked.

"Yea, I think I'll name her Dory"

"Dory?"

"My mum said it meant 'golden haired', appropriate, wouldn't you say?"

Emmeline looked at the small owl, angling her head and said "Dory"

The owl hooted , spreading her wings.

"I think she likes it"

"Yea, she does"

Emmeline reached into her trunk , pulling out a pair tattered jeans and stockings.

"Lily," she reached one foot into the stocking hopping about, "I need you to get dressed"

Lily paused petting Dory with a questioning look.

"I'm going out, and I need you to be there"

Lily smirked "A date perhaps?"

Emmeline blushed, finally falling, left foot half-way into her self-warming stockings.

"Yes" she breathed.

"With whom, may I ask?"

Emmeline pulled her jeans roughly over her legs, avoiding any eye-to-eye contact.

"Remus Lupin," she said quietly

Lily laughed delightedly , hopping off the bed "Remus? As in , Marauder, prefect, contradicting terms extraordinaire?"

"The very same" Emmy said, a smile in her tone "He also has a healthy interest in Flying magical creatures, as I do"

"You've picked him well, Em. So why do you need me?"

"I'm nervous." She admitted embarrassedly.

It was a mark of their good friendship when Lily did not remark on Emmeline's jitters, as well as when she changed clothing without another word.

"Where are you two going?" Lily asked as she buttoned her blouse.

"Hogsmeade"

Lily's eyebrows shot up , "How? There's not another Hogsmeade weekend—oh"

Emmeline came in front of her , taking her hands between hers with a pleading look "Let's just forget about the rules for now Lily, please? I just want to have fun on Christmas"

She knew she had her when Lily looked at her face with the big sullen eyes and the overall look of dejection.

"Fine" she sighed "But we'll miss the feast"

"That's fine, they'll be another one next year"

Lily grumbled grumpily.

"By the way, have you thanked James?"

Lily bolted up from her covers ( where she'd been sitting) and reached for a quill and some parchment.

Emmeline laughed as she pulled on heavy boots over her mismatched socks.

_Dear Jam—Potter,_

_Her name's Dory. She's sweet and adorable—everything I never expected to come from you. When I began reading your letter I convinced myself that no matter what you had given me, I would return it. However, I seem to be having some trouble carrying out that promise, she's just so…perfect._

_With…uh…less disgust than our previous engagement?(ha)_

_Lily_

_P.S. : Why did she remind you of me? I would certainly never be so affectionate._

She bit the end of her quill, re-reading her words. Finally, satisfied, she rolled the parchment and tied it to Dory's leg , who was more than enthusiastic to be of service.

"Give it to Potter" she whispered

Dory looked up at her questioningly (or so it seemed) and hooted a "Who?"

Lily pet the bird lovingly and tried again "James. Give it to James."

Finally, Dory took off, veering left outside her window.

Lily plopped back into her pillows , contently watching Emmeline's attempts to slip her foot into her second shoe.

Soon, Dory was back, a treat mangled between her beak and a not tied to her foot.

She held out her leg and Lily untied the letter. She unrolled it,

_Dear Li—Evans,(haha)_

_You have a very roundabout way to say 'thank you'._

_Still with doting affection, _

_James._

_P.S.: The EYES, Lily. That's what reminded me of you._

She chuckled , despite herself it seemed.

Emmeline looked over curiously, "What is it?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing, nothing." She said dismissively, making a grab for her quill she scribbled a message on the back of the parchment and tied it to Dory's leg.

She leaned far out of the window and sent Dory to the Boy's dormitories.

OoO

James sat with his head leaning on his palm, looking longingly out the widow. He had a small smile on his face , one of secretive joy.

Dory flew into the dormitory and perched on James's shoulder , holding out a leg.

James quickly unrolled the parchment , only to find his own scribbled message. For an awful second he believed she'd not replied, but then, Dory hooted , extending a leg as if pointing to the underside of the parchment.

He turned it over and smiled widely.

_Dear Potter, _

_Thank you, James._

_Signed Happily, _

_Lily._

_P.S. : Oh. Right. _

**AN: **

**First and foremost **

**(1) For those of you whom were wondering, a Chimera is a sort of fire-breathing monster , with a Lions head and a goat's body….a serpent comes into the equation eventually but I can't be sure when or why so…there you have it.**

**The next chapter might be finished today or tomorrow or perhaps never…depending on your feedback . It'll be about Emmeline's date (which has some unexpected elements) and the end of Fifth year. After that I can't promise much because I'll be leaving for a month and a half so…**

**Yea. That'll all I've got. Ta-ta for now.**


	6. Mates and Dates of Disreputeable Natures

**Mates and Dates of Disreputable Natures**

**AN: I'm baaack…**

Remus Lupin read quietly at _his_ end of the Common Room. The general public referred to that corner as his simply because he was the only Marauder ever to inhabit it, this was due to (or so myth told) the large amounts of literary material whom had also made that corner their permanent dwelling.

The Common Room was unusually empty, the chairs neither squeaking nor protesting under heavy bums. This of course was on account of the timing. At this time , every year, nearly all of the Hogwarts population was vividly enjoying themselves in the Great Hall, noshing splendidly on the House Elves feast.

However , this year, instead of that lovely ordeal, Remus was to go on a date.

He twiddled his thumbs under _A Thousand Ways to Make Your Snogging Magical_ disguised as an innocent copy of _Hogwarts, A History_.

He leaned over his book, studying an explicit diagram in which the author illustrated a step-by-step theoretical guide to un-tying tongues if ever they should become tangled in a passionate embrace.

' _Never fear, darlings_,' the author wrote '_all is repairable. And if not, remember that no one is irreplaceable. Except my late husband, he was such a dear…Dragon Pox, that's what got him…oh….such pain—hiccough—excuse me, I'll be needing a tissues there—'_

_Where in the name of Agrippa's knickers is James?_, Remus thought furiously, glancing up from his book and scanning the room for any new arrivals. He sighed , thinking that perhaps it hadn't been such a good idea to ask James to come. Emmeline would certainly be uncomfortable, and in response to that Remus would become uncomfortable, invoking the ever-so-dreadful nervous twitch he harbored in his left forearm, which jutted out occasionally, injuring passerby's, whenever he had a severe case of the jitters.

"Remus!" a voice called excitedly.

Remus continued muttering under his breath "Oh no, oh no , _oh no!_"

"_Remus!_" no good, the werewolf started rocking back and forth.

"Reeeeemusssss" the sing-song voice of an exceedingly feminine nature finally startled him out of his detachment.

"Emmeline!" he squeaked, then turned his gaze left-wards and found it colliding with another body "And…oh! Lily!"

Emmy raised a brow "Is that a problem , Remus?"

Remus shook his head overenthusiastically, gesturing for them to walk if front of him as he magicked away his belongings.

"_Shit_"

OoO

She'd realized it had been a horrid idea to invite her along.

_First dates are ghastly enough_, she mused , _without the omnipresent best-friend_

After she'd caught sight of Remus's look of utter terror after seeing her lingering in the background , Lily had made it a point to desert the couple as quickly as wizardly possible.

Lily had made it point number two to walk at least five steps in front of the couple. A bodyguard of sorts, short as she was. The portrait closed behind her with a cheery departing wave. It did not swing open again. This was her chance!

She scurried down the hall, glancing over her shoulder to see if Emmeline was out of the portrait hole.

"Lily?"

_Bugger_.

"Yes, dear?"

"Can you wait there for a bit? Remus forgot something"

_Double Bugger_.

"Don't move," she said, "I'll be right over"

She spoke the password promptly , climbing slowly back into the Common Room. Her second chance. If she ran now, though, Emmeline would surely remember. Her friend's selective memory deficiency was not a mental condition that could be counted on, being that it so rarely worked to one's advantage.

Take Lily's particularly _minor_ infatuation with James Potter for example, Emmy had never forgotten that. However, she did forget Lily's birthday (on more than one occasion), her sister's wedding, a portion of mince pie in her left pocket (for some months) and if that weren't enough, the fact that she had a sibling.

Lily shifted her feet, placing her head into her palm with a doleful sigh.

The portrait opened.

OoO

"_Pstt!_ Remus!" James whispered from the dormitory entrance, "Oi, Remus!" he hissed.

Remus continued vanishing his items with a rather pathetic 'oh-woe-is-me-and-my-ancestry' demeanor.

James picked through his pocket and pulled a tattered feathered quill, for a moment or so, he measured the value of the object with a serious expression. Finally, he hurtled it at the back of Remus's shaggy head just before he exited the room after Emmeline.

Remus turned around sharply, a look of relief crossed with annoyance overcame his features when his eyes landed on James performing a overly extravagant 'come hither' motion.

James heard Remus urging Emmeline ahead, saying some rubbish about having forgotten something.

"Finally!" he said as he reached the dormitory entrance, "What took you so bloody long? Do you understand what all this waiting has done to my nerves? You insensitive bastard!"

James smirked , "Your nerves?" he cocked a brow.

"Oh just—never ruddy mind! Answer the question!"

"I can't find the map. Sirius's must've taken it"

"Bloody wanker" Remus muttered, "But you still remember where the One-eyed Witch passage is , right?"

"Yea…" James said , "I just wanted to put it in the map."

"No matter. That can always be done later. Now you've got to help me with Li—"

"Remus? Did you get what you wanted—James!" Emmeline said in tones of mock surprise "What an absolute shock to see you _here_, with _Remus_. In the _Common Room_!"

She directed the rest of the speech out of the nearly closed portrait.

Emmeline cupped an ear, listening intently, then smiled and said, "Good. She doesn't know a thing."

"Wha..?"

Emmeline walked up to the boys, fists on her hips "Listen. Lily is out there with every intention to ditch me and Remus within the next five minutes, if we leave her out there , she'll loose her resolve and go to the feast. Someone" she looked pointedly at James "Must distract her. All throughout our date" she was talking directly at James , occasionally signaling between her and Remus to emphasize a point.

"Why?" he asked stupidly.

Emmeline breathed out of her nose, vapors rising after the exhale (due to the cold temperature) "Look James, this is your chance. The first and _onl_y I'm going to give you. Use it well"

James's mouth was dry, one hand clutching his cloak, the other flung into his hair.

"Are you serious?"

"As I may ever be" she grabbed Remus's hand timidly, in contrast to her earlier confidence, and began walking towards the portrait hole.

"Thanks Vance" he breathed.

She glanced back as she pushed open the Fat Lady and smiled "Don't thank me yet"

OoO

"Em?" Lily questioned the slightly open entrance.

"She's coming , dear" the Fat Lady said graciously.

"Thank you" Lily took a deep breath, readying herself for the coming dash when,

"Lily?" Emmeline peaked her head from the side of the portrait hole "There's been a slight change of plans" Remus appeared behind her, grasping her hand happily.

"Yea?"

James shut the portrait entrance behind him as he climbed out, "James is taking us to Hogsmeade"

"Is that so?" she made her tone deliberately casual.

"I am" James said, "Hello Evans" Emmeline winced discretely.

Lily smiled slightly "Hello Potter" she tugged a loose strand of hair into her woolen hat, "Somehow the fact that _you_ are the one escorting us out of the castle is one I find hardly surprising" she continued , "Which way are we going?"

James smirked quirkily, signaling her forward , "By way of passage, m'lady"

He replied gallantly, tipping an imaginary hat in her direction.

She snorted , "I prefer my surname".

"What of Lily?"

She crossed her arms across her chest , thinking quietly "If you must"

He wore a ear-to-ear grin, splitting his face in a rather intimidating expression , he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose "Now you must call me James" he encouraged "Come now , say it , James…_James_"

Lily rolled her eyes, but before she could form a reply, her thoughts were drowned by the loud giggling coming from behind them.

"Bravo!" called Remus, "Such spectacular tension!"

"Encore! Encore!" screeched Emmeline.

"Oh stuff it ," James colored slightly , a fact that did not go unnoticed by Lily, causing her to blush a brilliant red.

"Come James," she said with all the dignity she could muster, "Show me where this passage is!" Lily grabbed James's forearm, walking precisely five long strides in front of the jolly couple.

She planned to tell James her plans of leaving the couple once they reached Hogsmeade , once the embarrassment faded and her face would return to it's usual condition.

OoO

"Oh, _Lily_!" Emmeline called from between her sheets , "It was _marvelous_!"

Lily licked her forefinger and flipped a page of her book, glancing wryly over it at her squealing friend "I'm glad" she said.

"We spoke of—of…" she tapped a finger to the edge of her mouth "Oh, I've forgotten!" she exclaimed, "_Bugger_!"

Lily laughed loudly, earning some stern glances from across the room with the other three gossiping youths.

"But how was your outing with James?"

Suddenly the room got very still, few bodies breathing, enamel paint lingering dangerously above a toenail in the opposite corner.

"You went out with _James_?" Marlene uncrossed her legs and sauntered over to Lily's bed "James Potter?"

"Hardly" Lily said monotonously, returning to _Quidditch Through the Ages_ .

"How was it, though?" Emmeline asked energetically "Was he the usual berk?"

Lily looked up from the book , thinking thoroughly, "No, I suppose not," she said, adding quickly , "He apologized for that, by the way. It seems he remembered after all"

"So you _did _go out with James" called a rather self-important girl from the corner, not bothering to stand "I thought you said you'd rather lick a blowfish than spend an hour alone with him"

"I did say that, Amelia. Though why you deemed that phrase worthy enough for _your_ remembrance I'm sure I'll never know" she snapped.

"Understandable Lily, I apologize." She replied , smiling slightly "It's just come as a shock , that's all" they'd always marked her as the future politician.

"It's not as if I've agreed to marry the sod" she said.

"Good thing." Dorcas looked up from painting her toenails "I wouldn't recommend it"

"I'll keep that in mind" Lily said .

"This is well and good and all, but what the sodding hell _happened_?" Marlene declared, "I've nearly shat myself with anticipation!"

"For once I'll have to agree with McKinnon," Emmeline said from her bed, "It seems I must now visit the lavatories", having that been said, she stood up calmly from he bed, then shot into the bathroom.

The girls chuckled.

"Will you end the wait _now,_ Lily?" Amelia said with a smile "I admit I am very interested"

Lily rolled her eyes inwardly. "Well…" both girls leaned closer, the only unaffected body being the ex-girlfriend.

"It was…oddly civil and a bit…placid, but apart from that…nothing special"

"What do you mean?" Emmeline's voice drifted from the underside of the bathroom door.

" We talked about our reading interests," Lily tapped her fingers, counting "Dory, the Marauders, Christmas, our mutual love for lemon drops…" finally , after all her fingers were extended , she said "But it was so cold, we scarcely spent any time talking"

"Oh," Marlene smirked "So what _did_ you do in all that time?"

Dorcas snorted , muttering , "Nothing, I'll bet. Though she does need a good long snog"

Lily flushed "We did nothing like _that,_ you utter _prats_"

"Though you'd never actually know, judging by the color of your face" Amelia commented.

Marlene laughed loudly "Oh, you're _good_."

"Yes, just bloody _hilarious_, she is" Lily said scathingly, clutching her curtains and closing them, "Honestly!" she exclaimed.

"Oh dear," she heard Dorcas say, "I believe we've _upset_ her" then they were giggling again, each letting loose a sort of animal-like snort that got exceedingly annoying over the few minutes of their laughter.

Lily heard Emmeline get out of the bathroom, comments such as,

"Good Merlin Vance, what did you kill in there?"

"How long ago was it?"

and

"Perhaps something explosive's been fed into her dinner"

followed her as she made her quiet way to her bed, ignoring them.

"Good night, Lily" she whispered.

Lastly, Lily closed her eyes.

OoO

Strangely enough, the peace that had settled over the usually feuding party known as Evans and Potter, lasted. Actually, it surpassed most expectations.

After the first couple days of quiet, the student body came to a mutual epiphany concerning the two. Finally, like the shit hitting the fan, all were affected, aware and more than a bit shocked.

Rumors spread from head to house to students like a peculiar epidemic.

But, life went on, the 'civil acquaintance' flourished to a rocky friendship underneath all the gaping noses, and the Gryffindor house enjoyed a bit of silence.

Months flew by , hardly announcing their departure as the next settled in. Few students became aware of their sudden disappearance or the ever approaching and oh-so-dreaded month of June.

However, when they finally _did_, it was a sight to behold. Fifth years hustled about like chickens from coop to coop with dozens and dozens of notes, textbooks , study guides and calming potions. Even Emmeline was seen attempting to study, though her efforts were much more futile than the rest, due to her constant need for page-reminders, and her easy slippage of mind. The seventh years preferred to avoid sunlight, for fear of a vivid distraction. In fact, the contrast between the blood-shot, white-skinned seventh years and the twitching, muttering and easily mistaken as psychotic fifth-years was too fine a line to distinct (misery likes company, after all).

Finally, with cries of protests and actual cries of despair, June arrived ( expecting a welcome, much to everyone's dismay), and with it, exams.

The fifth years bustled from exam to exam, some weeping in joy and others in pain. First was Charms, which consisted of two portions , the Practical exam and Charms theory. Then Transfiguration, following much the same pattern, Potions, History of Magic (which consisted only of an essay), Astronomy ( taken at night) , the minor subjects and finally, the rumored to be most difficult, Defense Against the Dark Arts exam.

Lily scribbled her last sentence, then re-read and revised her essay. She figured it was decent, or at least she was sure her grammar was. She glanced discretely over at Emmeline's desk beside her, then sighed. Just as she'd expected, Emmy had fallen asleep, less than gracefully, her drool covered her parchment, dissolving all words she'd managed to write—if any—before loosing her interest and deciding to nap peacefully.

Lily poked her in the ribs. She gave a start and waved a palm as if to swat a fly, then returned to snoring. Lily was about to repeat the process when she saw that Professor Flitwick was attempting to gain the room's attention. He collected their papers, (including Emmeline's, at which he scowled and cleaned after the prompt arrival), she laughed softly as she watched him topple over with the force of the papers.

Flitwick dismissed them eagerly, and she shook Emmeline awake.

"Whazzzzzzz?"

"You fell asleep during the exam, Em." Lily said, "I thought you said you were taking a Conscious Potion so that this precise situation wouldn't happen"

"Did I?" Emmeline scratched her head, "Perhaps it was badly brewed" she yawned, "I think I'll make my way to the dormitory now," she stated, standing up and making a grab for her discarded bag.

"Why?" Lily asked , clearly confused "It's a beautiful day…."

"Yea," she agreed, glancing out the window "But I need a nap. See you , Lily"

Lily waved, shaking her head with a smile, "Yea, see you!"

She turned around and walked in the opposite direction, heading to the Ground's door. Her feet were chaffed and she made note to dip her toes in the lake, even if the squid protested.

Lily pushed open the doors, withholding every intention of having a wonderful afternoon, nursing chaffed feet and enjoying the well-earned peace.

OoO

"_Bastard_!" the door flew open and banged against the opposite wall, "I—I—I _hate_ him!" Lily's eyes widened , as if coming to a realization, "I really bloody _hate _Potter!"

Emmeline rubbed her eyes with the butt of her palm, "I suppose all good things must come to an end, then?"

"What are you talking about Vance?" Lily spat.

Emmy blinked "Your friendship, of course, what else?"

"I could—could _never_ be _friend_s with such a bullying wanker!"

"But you were" she said simply "Are, I think"

"No!" Lily screamed "Perhaps I was just deluding myself , believing such a _thing_ like Potter could change ! But never—_never again_—do you hear?"

"Oh for Merlin's sake Lily!" Emmeline hollered exasperatedly "You're probably overreacting"

"I'm not!" she said indignantly "He was bullying Snape—"

"He's _always_ bullying Snape, Lily" Dorcas stepped out of the bathroom, "I can't imagine what made you think otherwise." She shook out her hair, walking calmly out the door.

Lily's fists were balled , teeth bared, yet, the most prominent sign of her anger was her bag, strewn over the floor, precious books scattered , as if never cared for.

Emmeline sighed impatiently, pinching the bridge of her nose in an uncharacteristic gesture.

"Look Lily, I'm sure this is all a big misundersta—"

"Don't do it, James! I'm warning you—"

"Why don't you just shut your face, Moony?" James was at the foot of the stairs.

"Evans!" he called "Oi, _EVANS!"_ James's tone gained an unpleasant sneer , "I know you can hear me Evans! I can certainly hear _you!_"

Lily turned to Emmeline with a bitter smirk, "Misunderstanding, was it?"

"I guess not"

"Fine, Listen then!" a pause, "What unimaginably large insect crawled up your arse and died, Evans? What is your _bloody_ problem?"

Lily's face turned beet red, and despite Emmy's protests, she marched down the staircase to face James Potter.

"You!" she spat, "You're my bloody problem, you conceited, arrogant, _insufferabl_e little _shit_!"

"What the bloody hell did I do to you?"

"You're a bully , a show off—"

"No, Evans. I asked you what I ever did to _you._" His index finger pocked her chest.

She, if possible, turned redder. Taking her silence for an answer, he lowered his offending finger.

"Exactly" he replied icily.

James turned around, stomping to the portrait hole. Lily's fists were shaking, she was extraordinarily angry. It was a relatively scary emotion, and the whole of the Common Room was affected by it.

She reached for her foot and pulled off her heavy shoe, aimed, and threw it at the back of his head .

CLONK.

"OW! What the sodding—_Evans!_" he whipped around , hand placed on his injury, his eyes ablaze , "Why'd you—"

"I thought you'd changed Potter," he voice was icy and threatening "But here you are, the same pathetic egotistical _prick_ from last year, except now, you've managed to deceive me" she narrowed her eyes, "Congratulations"

OoO

The train ride but a few days afterwards was tense and uncomfortable, both Gryffindor parties at opposite ends of the trains, both unbearably close to the other houses.

This situation, Lily mused as she read, was nothing if not typical.

**AN:**

**This might be my last chapter in a long time, and for that, I apologize. I hope you enjoyed it.**

**One question though, you didn't _actually_ think they'd be together so easily, did you?**


	7. Curiously Enough

**Curiously Enough…**

**AN: I bid you greetings from planet bored.**

Charlotte Evans thought to begin preparing for dinner, it would certainly clear her mind. She'd had possibly what was the most awful summer of her many years, therefore she could not help imagining as she chopped and scattered beets into a salad , that the red vegetables were Vernon Dursley's rather large and pulsing head.

He'd made an appearance two weeks before, as she planted Begonias under the front window.

"Hello" he'd said somewhat pleasantly, raising a disdainful brow at her garment that shot into his already thinning patch of hay-blonde hair.

"Hello," she returned, removing her gardening gloves "May I help you?"

"I'm looking for Petunia" he said dismissively, extending his neck to look over her shoulder and into the window, "Is she here?"

"Oh" Charlotte smiled knowingly "I see. Petunia's gone to the market, but she'll return momentarily. In the meantime, would you like some tea?"

"I'd like a fizzy drink, that's what I'd like" he looked at her , seemingly raising his massive nose to not catch a whiff of the smell.

"We haven't got any" Charlotte retorted, narrowing her emerald eyes, "However, we _have_ got tea" she turned around marching into her home, gloves shoved inside a back pocket.

Vernon squinted his pig-like eyes for a moment, as if glaring, but it cost him great effort, for as he 'glared', he could not see. When he opened his eyes fully, he stomped into the house as if offended.

_THUMP. THUMP. THUMP_. (Wiggle. Wiggle. Wiggle.)

Charlotte was warming the kettle when that giant oaf of a boy strutted into the kitchen, his colossal-sized legs jiggling through his tartan trousers.

"Have you no respect for the guests of the people who pay you, _maid_?" he demanded, a mound of spit escaped his rude mouth and landed on her upper cheek "What _is_ your name? _Maria_? I want to report you"

"Excuse me?" Charlotte wiped a hand across her face, scowling as it collided with a colorless wad of saliva, "A—a maid, you say?"

"That's right," he began importantly, "Now you listen to—"

"_Verny!_" Petunia Evans set down her basket of groceries on the kitchen counter with a look of utter happiness, "Oh, you've come!"

Vernon turned a lively shade of pink, increasing his similarity to a portly pompous pig.

"Of course I came dear," he said quickly, reaching to grab her sickly-seeming palm in his own, "That's what boyfriends do, is it not?"

"Well—uh" she blushed and coughed delicately into her fist "Yes, I suppose so"

"Now, dearest, I must convey my sincerest disgust towards your house staff—"

"Petunia" Charlotte interrupted with an icy tone, her hand under the running water of the kitchen faucet "Will you not introduce me to your…_boyfriend_?"

Petunia laughed nervously, watching Vernon's eyes disappear under a forceful sneer "Oh, mother" she sighed, tittering under her breath "This is Vernon Dursley, my…boyfriend"

Petunia tugged at his hand so that he would step forward, smiling proudly, but he kept behind her. Finally, she grew annoyed and glanced over her shoulder to see Vernon glancing back and forth between her and her mother, mouth agape like an overfed blowfish.

"Mother ?" he breathed incredulously.

"Is that really so hard to believe?" Charlotte said wryly, she glanced at the small watch on her wrist, "Shouldn't you get going young man?"

"Mother!" Petunia reproached, using that whiny and relatively insufferable tone that got her most of her desires, "You're being very…_odd_"

"No, no, no, dear" Charlotte said, smiling over-enthusiastically, "Vernon commented to me earlier his intent on taking you out for dinner" she recovered quickly.

Vernon's eyes widened (which did little to improve their small and beady qualities), but before he had a chance to reply , Petunia stated her opinion on the matter clearly

"_EEEeeeeeeeeK_!" and if there was any doubt earlier concerning her rat ancestry, it was present no longer "Really, Verny?" she clapped her hands in delight "How _wonderful_! I'll just go up and change into something suitable." Petunia turned on her heels and out the door of the kitchen "I'll be back , Vernon! Don't you _dare_ desert me again!" she called as she hurried up the steps.

Charlotte sighed, eyeing Vernon with a pointed look of disappointment , then she turned around, reached into her cabinet and pulled out a large and ancient-looking glass bottle, "Sherry?" she asked.

OoO

Charlotte lowered her knife onto the kitchen counter, afraid she would use it on the boy inhabiting the backyard should it linger in her hands any longer. She sighed and looked out the window.

_They could at least be more discreet about it_, she thought furiously, _You watch, I'll go_ _out there and rip that's boy's face off my girl and then rid him of his pecke—_

"Mum!" her youngest daughter stepped into the kitchen, "I've returned without mortal wounds—what's that?" she asked sharply, her eyes landing on the nearly empty glass of pink-ish sherry.

"Are they going at it again?" Lily then asked sensibly, "Outside the window?"

Charlotte nodded, then reached for the glass and tipped its end so that she could empty it, "They have remarkably good endurance" her mother commented.

Lily smirked, "It doesn't seem like you're surprised".

At this, Charlotte allowed herself a small smile, "Petunia's always had good lungs", she closed the window curtains.

"So, daughter dearest, where have you gallivanted off to all day?" her smiling demeanor dropped suddenly, and she uttered the next sentence as if afraid for her life "It's not a—a—_boy_ , is it?" she glanced briefly at the closed window,

"No" Lily snapped bitterly.

"Have I said something dear?" her mother asked softly.

"No" Lily said, "It's just been a weird day. I think I'll go shower, mum"

"Deserter" Charlotte muttered under her breath as her daughter exited the kitchen.

Small murmurs and pleased purring drifted into the kitchen through the closed window, Charlotte could not help getting angrier.

"Oh, _Verny_…that was _marvelous_!" Petunia reached both hands with much difficulty behind his thick neck "We make a good pair, my _round little apple-tarty-poo_" she cooed squeakily as if meaning to pinch his cheeks. Vernon turned purple.

"Petunia." He started to pull away, but she kept a firm grip, "_Petunia!"_ he hissed

"What is it Vernon?" she snapped impatiently, letting her arms drop to his shoulders.

"Your mother, she's—she's uh…" his speech stumbled and he kept his gaze fixed directly above her shoulder. Petunia made to look over it when her reached his hands up and grabbed her head with a jerky "_No_!"

"What's happened Vernon?" she moved her chin out of his grip, but reached up her hands to grab his as if to apologize for seeming proud.

Finally he returned his gaze to her face, looking directly into her eyes with little confidence and much fear. "Your mother's glaring at me through the kitchen window," he said shakily.

Petunia let loose a manic little giggle, which she had practiced and perfected to seem feminine.

"Verny dear you must—"

"And…" he drew a breath , "She's sharpening a kitchen knife".

Petunia's eyes widened , "_No_" she said incredulously, grabbing the sides of her head "Oh, _no!" _she exclaimed, glancing fleetingly at the open window at Mrs. Next-doors, What will the neighbors think?" she whined.

Vernon started shaking, inevitably causing Petunia to wobble towards the edge of the bench.

"I've never had my lower anatomy so viciously…_stared_ at…" he whispered, terrified, "Is your mother quite sane?"

"Heheehahha" Petunia's false laugh of comfort died out thinly "Haha" she added.

OoO

Lily Evans was transpiring a period in her life she'd never experienced before.

When she'd opened her eyes in the morning, the first sight that greeted them was the vibrant face of Ludo Bagman, Chudley Cannons Chaser and rumored best shag in all of wizard London. Yes, that was her first thought of the day, which was scary enough considering the circumstances. However, when she'd started longing to make a grab for his arse as he began to strut self-importantly in her poster, Lily knew there was something wrong with her.

She pushed herself off her bed so quickly hat she'd stumbled and fallen to the floor, bed sheets tangled around her feet. When she'd finally rid herself of the offending fabric, Lily dressed as quickly as she was able and wobbly made her way down the stairs.

Her mother was viciously cracking eggs and laughing meanly as they splattered against the bottom of her frying pan.

"Lily" she said pleasantly ,_Crackkkkkkk_, "Good morning"

Lily watched her hands nervously "G'morning" Charlotte splattered another egg, "I—I'm visiting Emmeline today" she said quickly, _Bollocks_, her mind screamed , but she ignored the slightly annoying voice and continued "She sent her owl yesterday," she chuckled confidently "Scribbled some rubbish about life threatening situations…boyfriends…and a cat. I can't be sure of the order"

"Goodness me, the poor dear's had a lively month ,hasn't she?"

Lily snickered " She's been describing a _book, _mum. But she did mention she wanted to see me"

"Oh" Charlotte tossed another egg into her concoction, "Did she manage to scribble where she lives?"

"Might've mentioned it" Lily said nonchalantly. Her mother nodded, saying nothing but raising a questioning brow.

"Do you have money?" Charlotte patted down her pockets. Lily reached into hers and pulled out a five pound note, "It's enough" her mother said, "Will you eat breakfast?"

Lily eyed the pan, looking like a brutal battle ground between merciless mercenary chickens.

"Uh…" would she endanger her life so? "…no" she said simply.

Lily kissed her mother's cheek, assuring her she'd return with every limb in function, and that she _would_ eat breakfast, somewhere.

OoO

She had no possible idea what she was doing, but she was enjoying it immensely. Lily walked down Diagon Alley with an odd feeling of power and attraction. She found her eyes following every male , her fingers twitching uncomfortably as they turned their lower anatomy in her direction. Tall ones short ones, robed or barely covered, spotted or considerably clear-skinned, she could only make an exception for the ones unfortunately in wheelchairs, for she could not see their bottoms. It got to the point where she would follow them , feigning interest in the stores surrounding them, an ample smile plastered on her face and her hands twitching convulsively.

Finally, she snapped. She came upon and arse that was simply…godly…

It was meticulously shaped, perfect for spanking but muscled enough so that it would not jiggle(the trauma of having _Verny_ hanging about for some time had caused her to associate anything remotely wiggle-able to..._it_), covering them were a pair of dark jeans, above them , a wide back, under them , long legs.

For a minute, she understood men, she could comprehend their need to gather on windy corners during mid-summer when pants were scarce and skirts were life. But quickly the moment passed and she managed to convince herself her situation was _completely_ different and that men were raunchy animals.

The arse was accompanied, another magnificent work of gods, but it paled in comparison. It was not a female arse, so after a careful series of observations, she ignored it.

Lily, while bumping into many shopping wizards, bored children and arthritis-ridden senior magical folk, found the arse to be moving in the direction of the Quidditch supplies store whose name she'd forgotten.

She hurriedly made her way to it, dashing past bodies with speed a broom would've been envious of. Finally, she came upon the accompanied arse, carefully, she angled her palm, thinking herself daft to even attempt such a thing, then loosened it.

The slap echoed with a resounding _CLAPPPP_, it must've been rather painful.

Despite the shame that was sure to come in a bit, Lily smiled, it'd been worth it.

She rushed before the pair, ready to sprint ahead into the store and loose them in the freakish Quidditch crowd without a look back, but she couldn't do it, she felt her newfound longings desired to know the face that belonged to such an arse.

Lily whipped around, an almost mocking apologetic smile on her face , "I'm sorry" she began "I simply couldn't help—" she gasped loudly , "Po-po-_Potter_?"

There he was the arse of wonders, the magical being. James clutched his right cheek with a grimace on his face and his companion, Sirius, was laughing so intensely that no sound escaped his parted lips.

James cracked open an eyelid to look at his offender.

"_You!_" he exclaimed, utterly shocked, "You-you—_Evans_!" he stumbled over his speech, absentmindedly rubbing his injured behind.

Sirius stuffed a fist into his mouth.

Lily looked to her feet, ashamed and reddened, thinking to run but knowing there was no point to it. When she looked up again after the sound of quick shuffling feet (one had an obvious limp on his right leg…) she found them gone and the space in front her empty.

OoO

"That's _it_?" Emmeline shrieked , "what do you mean '_that's_ _it'_ , you bloody arse-brain?"

Lily hissed , as if offended, "Shut your ruddy trap Emmeline—"

"Shut up? You don't tell _me_ to shut up, after you go and do—do _this_" she loudly said. Lily sighed , then pushed a steaming flask of potion across the night table, "Drink it" she commanded.

"What is it?" she sniffed it carefully .

"Your mum said—"

"_Merlin_!" Emmeline pushed the flask violently towards Lily, letting it tip a bit so that some of the thick liquid dripped onto her blouse, "It smells like old blood!"

"Bugger, Em, it smells like _you_!" Lily wiped her blouse furiously, "Drink it!"

Lily watched Emmeline slurp down the last bits of her 'Menstruation' potion.(In truth, it was a potion that did nothing but level Emmeline's emotions, turning her into a strange placid thing one could never associate with her previously temperamental state(It also contained a heavy of Sleeping Draft, which would no doubt be of use in her current state of mind)).

"Look, it was just an impulse of the moment—" she began

"Was not!" Emmeline passionately pushed away the charmed fan that hung constantly in front of her face to exclaim at Lily " A kiss, for example, is an impulse of the moment, eating a molding bag of _Bertie_ _Botts_ , is an impulse of the moment. This? No dear, you _planned_ this."

"I _didn't_—"

"You did. But I'm in no mood to argue with you Evans—"

"Bloody hypocrite, _you're_ the one who started the sodding argument—"

"So just finish the story" Emmeline finished as if never interrupted.

"That _is_ the end, you daft cow, you—ego inflated, self-obsessed, degrading—"

"What am I, your new James Potter?" Emmeline snapped, "Just finish the bloody story!"

"I _told_ you—"

"Fine._ Fine._" Emmeline crossed her arms over her chest, turning her face away and muttering angrily, she was just about to start off again, mouth beginning to open when, seemingly without reason, she fell into a sudden deep sleep.

_SNOREEEEE _

Lily sighed and sat back into the chair beside Emmy's bed, resolving to explain the tale of Arse-accosting Lily once more when she awoke, placid and willingly listening.

OoO

Sirius ran his bleeding knuckle under the faucet, smirking happily. Today, he'd stumbled upon blackmailing material that had the potential of being in use for more than six months, and after all, what better way was there to make a living that by blackmail? Some might call it unseemly or perhaps, unfair and really quite mean to do such things to one's good friends, yet, his friends knew his nature and if by now they could not realize Sirius' wavering loyalty when it concerned money and petty embarrassing things, then they were more naïve than Sirius could handle.

"Aright there Prongs, you potential dog, you?" he said, bandaging the his hand.

"Sod off" James's voice was muffled by the couch on which he was laying on , pressing a heavy icepack into his right arse-cheek.

Sirius clicked his tongue self-importantly, taking the seat directly across him, "You _must_ work on your manners ole chum, I doubt the '_gripping_'(at this comment he made a grabbing motion with his hands, smirking wider than usual) Miss Evans will be mightily impressed with your lack of them"

"Shut up , you" James buried his head deeper into the couch, attempting fruitlessly to hide his blushing.

"What was that?" Sirius mocked, utterly amused.

Finally, James turned his face to Sirius, "You heard me"

"Nice face" Sirius commented, chuckling.

"Too nice for you, I'm afraid"

"Oh my, aren't we cocky?"

James snorted, shuffling his position a bit to accommodate the large cold pack, "I really don't think you should be talking, Padfoot"

"And I really don't believe you should get such a boost of ego from a simple arse-grab, guv" Sirius said, "But that's the way the world functions"

James narrowed his eyes, in contrast to the climbing blush that spread up his cheeks and into his roots; he turned his face away again.

"You really fancy her, don't you?" Sirius' tone took on a rather…odd turn…serious, scarcely used in such a person.

James scoffed, "You're such a pansy" he said.

"_Me_?" he said incredulously, "A _pansy_, you say? You must be mistaken, my being is the essential presentation of masculinity, while _you_ , along with the rest, simply strive to reach my lengthy…." He let the phrase hang "stride"

"Oh, shut up"

OoO

**AN: This is hardly an interesting end of the universe. In fact, it's quite dull and dodgy. None of you would have a spare rocket I could use to return to the civilized world, right?**

—**sigh—that's what I thought.**

**I guess I must contrive to be happy with the company of intellectually stimulating (Snort) alien cows, until, of course, you review.**


	8. And So, it Begins

**And So, it Begins… **

**AN: The sadistic higher beings have transferred me to Planet Sarcasm, and I am _very_ _happy_ to be here. **

Sirius Black was becoming utterly sick of his best mate, as blasphemous a thing it was to think. It came to no surprise to him when he felt relief as he strode through the entrance to the platform, scarcely more than an hour early.

Ever since that bloody morning he'd learned to call, '_The_ bloody morning', the subject of conversation had not strayed from Evans, James's arse and who in the name of all that was magical she thought she was…injuring innocent people's backsides.

To this comment of course, Sirius scoffed inwardly and never bothered to answer, for it was painfully obvious who Evans thought she was, she knew she was Evans and so must've thought it as well, if that made any sense.

Sirius nursed his temples tenderly , stationing his trolley close to a bench at the far end of the platform, where the socially inept usually sat, thinking no-one would scout for him there.

Merlin , he had a headache. Lately all conversing with his tangle-haired, bespectacled and temperamental best mate caused his lobes to ache in protest. Sirius figured that if _he'd_ been so loyal to a subject during classes he might've managed to pass more of them.

Oh, but it was impossible to talk with Prongs! Sirius was at his wits' end , what with James' strange connections and one-track mind, it was nearly foolish to begin a conversation with him thinking you would end up talking about a subject other than Evans.

For example, two days earlier Sirius began with a relatively bland and safe conversation starter,

"Looks like rain tonight,"

James grunted , looking out the window, then added "Wizard wireless said it'll be all over London and the west"

"Huh" Sirius looked to him curiously, "Do we know anyone that lives around there? We should give fair warning"

James's eyes narrowed "Evans lives there, but _I'm_ not going to warn her" he said acidly "Anyway, who does she bloody think she is, touching my arse like—

Or , perhaps, the night before would be a better example.

"Oi, Prongs, we need to stock up on Chocolate Frogs"

"Why? Does _Evans _like them?"

Sirius sighed , letting his hands drop and leaning further into the shadowy bench. It wasn't as if Evans hadn't been an active member of daily conversing, however, he'd never been expected to agree with the opinions before, and so his sarcastic and relatively dismissive comments were never useful enough to end the matter and proceed on the next.

Prongs' even ceased making sense in his connections, Sirius mused.

"_Prongs!_ Help me with my bloody trunk!"

"_What? _Evans?"

Or,

"How 'bout some Quidditch?"

"Huh? Evans?"

Finally,

"Prongs?"

"_Evans?"_

Sirius placed his head in his arms and cradled it delicately.

"Oi, Sirius! What are you doing there?"

"Just resting, Prongs" he replied lightly

"Uh-huh. Hey, erm…." James twiddled his thumbs and lowered his head, "Have you seen Evans?"

"No" he sighed

James gave a curt nod and reached for his trunk , "Just as well. Wouldn't want to see that sodding _prude_ anyway. It'd probably ruin my morning"

Sirius rolled his eyes, "_You've _ruined my morning" he muttered under his breath.

James's hand flew into his matted disarray of woolly hair as he exclaimed "Evans? _Where?_"

OoO

"If it isn't Lily Evans!"

Lily gave an involuntary jump of surprise, dropping _Odysseus, the Wizard_ with a loud clank, obscuring the earlier façade of cool grace and calm.

"Remus!" she gasped , "Don't _do_ that!"

Remus sent her a rather wolfish grin, "Sorry"

Lily narrowed her eyes, "Did you want something?" she snapped.

Remus blushed slightly, coughing into his wrist to cover the embarrassment, "Yes actually, I was wondering if you'd seen Emmeline. No? Well then, I'll be on my way"

Lily reached a hand and grabbed his forearm, "Sorry Remus," she muttered "I'm just a bit…_jumpy_, I guess"

"Why?" he lifted her trunk and placed it in the overhead compartment, she sent him a look of gratitude.

"It's your friend, if you must know"

"Sirius?" upon seeing her head shake , he said "Peter?"

Lily sighed exasperatedly, placing a palm onto her forehead.

"_James?_" Remus gasped "you—you don't _fancy_ him , do you?"

"Goodness, no!" she exclaimed laughing heartily , in which Remus joined.

"I suppose it's more his arse I fancy" she finished.

Remus choked on his chuckles, spluttering and gasping for air.

"Look Remus," she began as she thumped his back with her fist "I understand this must be hard to hear, especially since—" _Thump_ . _Thump_. "I've had more than enough chances to observe many male backsides and compare…"

Remus took in a grateful gulp of air, later grunting his thanks , "So—cough—you like his arse?" he asked incredulously.

Lily's eyes took on a misty tint and she replied "….yea"

Remus grew uncomfortable "So…it's uh…nice?"

"The best" she said simply.

Remus blushed scarlet and coughed.

"Oh, not that yours isn't nice , Remus! You have a great bum, it's just…"

"James's is better?" he felt unimaginably embarrassed with the subject.

"No." Lily said firmly , "You have a very formidable arse, Remus. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise" she said the comment with such tranquillity that he felt they should have been discussing something or other about the weather, or a pet. "It just seems that James's arse is more my taste. Which is just as well, considering your tight backside is more than spoken for" she gave a little laugh .

"Right" he said, wondering fleetingly why he'd bothered to come in the first place.

"When do you think Emmeline will turn up?" Remus asked , his cheeks remaining the color of freshly painted stop signs "Soon?" he added hopefully.

Lily laughed , "It's really rather obvious you haven't been dating Emmeline for long"

"Why is that?"

"I'll tell you for future purposes," _If you last so long as that, I mean_, she thought. "Emmeline is never and will never be able to come on time to Hogwarts. She's hasn't been on the platform at eleven or before in her lifetime, she wouldn't know what such a thing could look like"

"Ah" he glanced worriedly at the returning mist in Lily's expression "Are you quite sure—"

"Moony!" Sirius pulled open the sliding compartment with a look of utter relief "There you are. Prongs, I've found 'im—" his eyes landed on Lily at the opposite side of the compartment and his mouth moved into a small 'o' "Bugger" he muttered under his breath.

With the sound of screeching rubber, Peter appeared beside Sirius, catching his breath, after him, James.

"McKinnon forced us out of our compartment" James grumbled, "Spitting some rubbish about male courtesy and our lack thereof. Doesn't matter. It's only been the _Marauder's_ compartment for the past six bloody yea—_you_!"

Sirius took a seat beside Lily, sending a look of exhaustion in James's direction , "She's got a name, Prongs"

James crossed his arms and refused to look in their direction. Peter shuffled him aside and took a seat beside Remus, immediately striking up a conversation with the startled Lily.

"Hello, Lily!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"Wotcher, Peter" she kept a wary eye on James.

"How was your summer?"

"It was nothing special—"

"Really?" he interrupted, "Mine was spectacular! Me and mum went to visit the Abominable Snowman in the Himalayas. Prongs tells me he's a cousin of yours—"

Lily sent a scathing look at James, whose shoulders shook with barely contained hilarity.

Remus ran a hand through his hair, and began, just at about the same time Sirius started saying,

"It was a joke—"

"Don't be stupid—"

They glanced at each other incredulously.

"Aren't you related?" Peter continued, "But I mentioned you !"

Lily started turning an unhealthy tone of beet-red, pointing a shaking finger in James's direction "You _sodding git_!" she hissed.

James turned to face her "Oi, you haven't got a right to be mad at _me_ , _I'm_ mad at _you_!"

"Oh that's mature!" she scoffed.

"You—you shut up!" he spluttered .

"No!" she replied, making the other three of the compartment recoil somewhat "You have no—"

"Why don't you just go molest some arse!" he exclaimed.

At this comment Lily ceased her rant , blushing fast to her roots.

James looked on her with an expression of sadistic contempt, until she gave a curt nod, as if coming to an agreement.

"I need to talk to you, Potter" she said, "Come with me" she headed out of the compartment, but James's snide "Why should I?" stopped her.

Her eyes became angry emerald slits, and she snapped with her earlier ferocity " You and I both know you want to come ,Potter. I'd appreciate it if you'd quit acting like a stupid pansy sod" she stomped out of the compartment.

OoO

Lily slid open a compartment door and stepped aside to let James pass through, which he did , with a smirk of superiority and his head held at a higher than usual angle.

"Ladies first" she said humorously.

"Oi!" he protested when inside , while Lily simply snickered.

"Is there any particular reason you wanted me here Evans?" he snapped "Or did you just want to insult me for a bit in private?"

Lily sobered, taking a deep breath.

"Sit down Potter"

"I prefer to stand" he huffed, crossing his arms like an angry child.

Lily shrugged and walked to the opposite end of the prefects compartment, where a small cooler held a crate of butterbeers.

Opening one, and taking a seat directly across from him, Lily said,

"I wanted to..ah…" she took a sip and closed her eyes "Apologise. I wanted to apologise, Potter."

James sat down.

"Really?"

"Yea" she took a long swing of butterbeer, probably wishing it were stronger.

"Give me one of those" he said.

The corner of her mouth twitched as she got up and opened another bottle. She gave it to him and took her seat again. They sipped in silence for a minute or so before James spoke.

"I guess that means I've got to apologise as well." He put down his butterbeer.

"I'm sorry I was a terrible git last year" he said seriously, "And that you liked my arse so much"

Lily turned a vivid rosy color and lowered her eyes, but didn't protest.

James smiled widely and self-importantly, crossing his fingers and placing them behind his head.

"I'm sorry about that" she rubbed the back of her neck, "I—I don't know—don't know what I was thinking…" she muttered ashamedly, "so stupid…"

" 's fine" James said nonchalantly "Though I doubt my right cheek will ever be the same.."

Lily snickered "Stop overreacting, you dramatic sod"

"But-but, I've still got a bit of a bruise.."

"Oh my! A _bit_ of a bruise?" she snorted "Consider yourself lucky, Potter. Not many can boast about coming out of a confrontation with me with only a _bit_ of a bruise"

James smirked.

Lily's smile dropped for a fleeting second, "Look I'm also sorry about last year. I figure I might've overreacted a little…"

"A _little_?"

"Yes" she stiffened "A little. Remember you were still being an incredible prick at the time"

"My, my Evans. Only you can manage to insult me while apologising" he shook his head and placed it in his hands.

Lily blushed profusely, muttering "Sorry"

James was enjoying himself immensely , and the preceding acidity with which he'd treated the situation dissolved into a humorous attitude that usually governed his person.

"Just kidding , Evans." He said with a smile "it wouldn't be as entertaining to talk to you if you didn't chide me"

She returned the smile and shook her head a bit.

"I—I think you should call me Lily" she said quickly "I mean , we _are_ friends now, yea? S—so uh… friends aren't usually on a last name basis"

"Friends?" he said with a mocking raised brow.

"Oh, well, not unless you think—sorry, I—I'm a stupid co—"

"I'd like that, Lily" said James, "You may call me James,"

She smiled wide.

"Handsome, rugged, placid and seductive. But most importantly," at this he exposed a scarily widening smile, giving the correct impression of being really rather pleased with himself "Best Arse"

"Idiot" she said "Are you quite sure you know who you are talking about?"

"Myself of course" he replied in tones of mock arrogance " 'Tis no figment of my creation, m'dear, I _have_ earned those tittles. Do you know what they call me in Hogwarts? In the male circles, I mean?"

"Haven't the slightest, master perfect backside" she said with a laugh.

"They call me," he leaned forward as if revealing a mighty conspiracy "The Bird Catcher"

Lily snorted into her butterbeer, the liquid filtering through her nasal cavities and expelling through her nostrils.

She laughed ridiculously for some minutes, leaving a snickering and relatively happy James to clean the butterbeer from where it'd splattered on his face.

"Oh, James" his stomach received a surprised jolt "That was so…." She searched for the word in vain "_bad_"

OoO

"Oh, Merlin! Thank Agrippa I've found you!" Remus and Sirius looked up from their bloody game of Exploding Snap with surprise.

"Have either of you seen Lily?" Emmeline asked, eyeing Peter as he snored as if to wake him with a glare.

"Yes" breathed Sirius, "She's with James" he said tiredly.

"It's wonderful to see you as well, Emmy!" Remus called sarcastically down the corridor as she ran into the next compartment and the adjacent, searching for James and Lily.

Suddenly she turned around and came into the Marauder's compartment. As she came in , she strode beside Remus and gave him a quick and distracted kiss on the mouth. It made a loud sucking noise, that, if Peter had been a light sleeper, would've of woken him up in instants.

Emmeline sat beside Remus and looked to Sirius, she was about to ask him something , her mouth open and her expression almost comically inquisitive when, she turned to face Remus with a madly blushing face.

"Sorry Remus." She muttered embarrasedly, "I was aiming for your cheek. 'Must've gone wrong somewhere down the line…" she winced "I've always had really rather horrid aim. I remember once my mum asked me to throw her our house keys from the second story window, she's very forgetful, so she'd left them by her night table. Once I got around to throwing them down to her I sort-of slipped and—"

"Wait" Sirius interrupted "Isn't your mum the one with the eye patch?"

"You _blinded_ your mother?" Remus, always jumping to conclusions, said scandalized.

"No" she snapped , "They landed on the roof of my next-door neighbor."

"Then how—" Sirius leaned forward interestedly.

"She forgot their was a shield charm on out front door. When she went to open it with the keys, they rebounded off the shield and into her eye" she made a brutal jabbing motion with her finger.

"_Bugger_" said Remus, reaching for his eye with a tentative hand.

Emmeline shrugged and Remus put his arm around her shoulders, causing both to blush subtly.

"So.." she now faced Sirius, "Have you seen Lily?"

Sirius took on a confused expression "Wha…?"

"She's with James" Remus said.

Emmeline looked startled, "With James?"

"Yea, odd , innit?" Sirius said .

"Yea…" she said, "But strangely….fortunate…"

"Fortunate?" asked Sirius

"How, luv?" Emmeline blushed a deeper rouge.

"Well, it'd be…nice …if they got along, wouldn't it?" she stuttered "Moreover, got _together_"

"Sure. Then we could have a civil conversation on occasion" Remus said reasonably.

"And…there could be a change of topic in conversations!" Sirius said enthusiastically.

All three sighed.

Suddenly Sirius stood up, fist pumped into the air "We should stop being _pansies_ and do something about it!" he said passionately.

"Like what?"

"Help them along" he said "Ease the path. Smooth the bumps. Clear the—"

"Aright, aright" Emmeline threw up her palms , as if defeated "it's a good idea"

"It's a grand idea, as long as you shut _up_" Remus hissed.

Sirius shrugged "But you like it?"

Sighing, Remus replied, "Yea, I like it"

OoO

Some compartments over, past the snickering, giggling , happy or anxious youths, there was silence. Mingling in it, James Potter leaned dangerously close to the face of his compartments' companion, Lily Evans.

OoO

**AN: If you had any mercy left in your body you would take that pencil and murder me. Stab my eyes out, cut open my liver, do away with my spleen or think of something creative, you sods. **

**Oh, and no, I'm _not_ being sarcastic.**


	9. So We Flirt, Date

**So We Flirt…Date…**

**AN: Did you hear? They discovered three new planets in our Solar System. If you turn left slightly and navigate some five hundred light-years from the second discovered planet, you'll end up visiting me. The planet's called 'Oh, look! _Food_!' Yes, they're cannibals. **

She had a small bit of foam on the tip of her top lip. It was unbearably attractive. He found himself watching it attentively as she spoke about her excitement for the coming year, her sister, lemon drops and the strange cruel sensation she felt when biting into a chocolate frog.

Almost subconsciously, James drifted to it, he was nearly sure the foam was placed in that position for him, so that he could lick it off without remorse, without guilt. Lily was passionately preaching her ideals on Voldemort and his pointless cruelty, and how she was ready to kick him and his sadistic posse into Azkaban as soon as her Auror's licence was legalised.

"Then I'll take a probity probe and stick it so deep into his ar—what?" she licked her lips nervously.

James blinked, the foam was gone, and he was but millimetres from her face.

"Huh?" he shook his head "Oh, erm…nothing. It's nothing"

"Right" she said, "So..uh, " Lily twiddled her thumbs "What—what do you want to do?"

James leaned back into his seat, raising his brows and shifting his glasses comically, as if saying 'what do _you_ think?'.

"Whe—when you leave Hogwarts , I mean"

"Oh, _that_"

Annoyed, she blew a puff of air into her fringe and snapped "Yes, _that_"

James smiled and put up his palms "I thought it was obvious, " he said "I want to be a girl"

"_What_?"

James laughed loudly, slapping his thigh , "Merlin, you're gullible"

"Berk"

He snorted ,standing and dusting off his trousers, "I'm going to meet the Marauders" he said.

"Fine"

James shook his head, "Do you want to come?" he outstretched his hand .

Lily looked at his hand, then at his face, calculating carefully the insinuations of taking it.

"I haven't taught it to bite yet"

"What?" she asked , standing up and ignoring his inviting palm.

"My hand, it doesn't bite"

"I'm glad" she smiled.

OoO

"_Oi_! Watch it!"

"Sorry Remus" Peter said, abashed.

"Why are _you_ saying sorry?" he snapped, rubbing the sleep from his eyes then placing his hands carefully on Emmeline's sleeping head, which was comfortably nestled on his knees.

Peter turned to face Sirius , whose lips were shaking and tightly pressed together, then turned his eyes to Remus again.

"I _threw_ it , right?" Peter scratched his head in a confused expression.

"Why would you throw a chocolate frog at me?" Remus asked, his narrowed eyes lingering on Sirius's back, "They're your favorite"

"A Chocolate Frog!" Peter said scandalised, "I—I would—_never_!" he placed a hand on his left breast (Of considerable size(Sometimes, when bored , Sirius would contemplate them with a formulating ideal on Peter's actual gender)), "I threw a _Quaffle_ at you" he commented, "How odd."

Sirius's back began to vibrate convulsively which Remus knew to be a sign of repressed laughter and not, a violent seizure, as it seemed to any other persons. The deducting werewolf then looked to the open window of the compartment, coming to a conclusion which, as ironic as it may seem , was not too difficult to deduce. Peter had thrown his bloody Quaffle out the window without noticing.

"I believe" Peter began self-importantly "That it transfigured in the air somehow, perhaps there's a barrier of sorts…"

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Is that possible, Remus?"

"Sure, Peter" he did a dismissive hand-gesture.

"I'm brilliant!" he exclaimed, clapping his portly hands excitedly.

A merry giggle (quickly repressed) escaped Sirius' lips .

Emmeline rolled over, so that her face was pressed deeply into Remus's stomach (whom blushed), muttering "m—mm—_moronic_…"

Sirius stopped laughing inwardly and raised his brows, then whistled.

"Shut your face, Pads" Remus spat, attempting to manoeuvre his hands under Emmeline's head to turn it the opposite way.

"My theory should be tested" Peter said, taking a quill out from his inner pocket.

"Peter you don't _really_ believe that rubbish—"

"Let the man test his theory, Moony" Sirius interrupted with an overly amused smile.

"Yea!" Peter added intelligently, already aiming towards Emmeline's sleeping form.

"_No_—" Remus said, but quickly the quill flew with a determined feather towards the opposite side of the compartment, seeming to be the most perfectly thrown piece of writing equipment in the history of aimless throwing.

Peter watched, experiencing an odd euphoric sensation at having performed such a magnificent example of sportsmanship.

However, the quill stopped in mid-air quite abruptly, falling with ironic perfection to the exact center of the compartment

Peter slid off his seat, landing on his knees, his head cocked to the side "Strange…" he said, extending a hand to touch the quill.

While Peter was bent over his experiment, Sirius grasped the chance to throw another Chocolate Frog wrapper at Remus's head.

"Ow!"

Peter's head snapped up at the exclaim "Again!" He pronounced with a finger protruding into the air.

Remus directed a look of incredulity in his direction, before colliding gazes with Sirius and exploding with laughter.

Two regrettable occurrences followed this action.

First, the noise caused Emmeline to roll over completely(head now pressed between Remus's knees) "_Moron_…." She muttered.

Then the door of the compartment slid open, letting James and Lily (amiably conversing) take in the sight of Peter looking melancholically at a discarded quill, Sirius clutching his ribcage in silent laughter and the only couple in a rather compromising situation.

"Oh, Merlin!" James exclaimed, covering his eyes "S—s-sorry Remus" he muttered.

"Wait James—" the door closed with a snap, but the pair could be heard arguing through it.

"What _is_ it, James?"

"We better go"

"Why?" Lily snapped.

"I saw—saw…_ugrh_…"

"You're such a bloody pansy"

"I—I—_I'm_ a pansy?"

"Yea." Lily stomped her foot, or at least it seemed like she did.

"Ow, Sodding—_ow_!" another stomp "Stop bloody kicking me!"

"Then _move_"

"No—_OW_!" shuffle, shuffle, "_No_, Lily! Don't go in there!"

The door slid open with a bang, Lily puffing out her chest proudly.

"Hello—oh." She stood shocked for a fraction of a second before, "Argggg, my _eyes_!"

"I bloody _told_ you , you stubborn bird!" called a gruff voice from the corridor.

"It's not what you think!" Remus finally vocalised, somewhat hysterically.

Emmeline chose this opportune moment to snore.

Lily cocked her head, first looking at Sirius, (now clutching his lower regions, apparently nearly urinating), then at Peter, and finally at Emmeline, her mouth formulating into a small 'o'.

"That's now painfully obvious" she said, slapping her forehead repeatedly "Sorry. I'm a prat." She shrugged, as if that was the best explanation her mind allowed.

"James!" she called.

"What?" he asked from the corridor.

"Come in you ponce"

"Is it safe?"

Lily sighed and rolled her eyes "Yes"

James's head made a wary appearance, peeking through a slight opening in the door, then he stepped inside.

"For the love of Merlin, she's still going at it!" he exclaimed when he caught sight of the couple "Let me out!"

"James—" Lily began tiredly

"Why are all you perverse excuse for mates in here? They _obviously_ need privacy!"

"Prongs—"

"And , Peter! I bet it was _your_ idea, you being a little podgy pervert yourself, peeping while people shower—"

"That was _once_!" he protested.

"I felt violated, _filthy_—"

"I just wanted to know how long—"

"Your nob's supposed to be , I know!"

"No, _no_! I wanted to know how long it took for your hands to prune! My mum said if they prune fast, they'll stay that way forever! I wanted to warn you!"

James raised an incredulous brow, and Sirius excused himself with a rather large stain perturbing the usually clean crotch area of his trousers.

"It's true, I tell you!"

James shook his head , "Well, I still think all of you are all psychotic nymphoma—"

"She's sleeping , James" Lily said monotonously.

"Not anymore" said a wry voice from behind them .

"Hello" Emmeline said, yawning "What'd I miss?"

OoO

For James , being friends (or something of that sort) with Lily was like taking half a bite of a treacle tart , or snatching the fire out of firewhiskey, it left him with a vacant and foggy bit inside his stomach, like a terrible hunger.

Now , he had an excuse to talk to her, look at her. And he supposed it made him happy, in the strange sense that watching a Quidditch match made him happy, yet never as content as when playing in one.

Lily would sometimes spend hours talking to him (much to the surprise of the Hogwarts population), and it was these times that most impacted him. It wasn't as if he felt a sudden euphoric emotion, conquering his senses, it was more like a dull ache in a small left bit of his heart.

Perhaps it was the fact that he'd been abandoned for a spare bit of female genitalia that made him so adept in perceiving emotions, or perhaps he'd always been an attentive ninny. Sirius had found himself a new conquest, (Namely Dorcas Meadowes) to follow into broom closets ,and while Remus spent his time 'conversing' and occasionally 'getting to know' his girlfriend, James was left to deal with Peter, whom was like a portly plague imbedded into his side.

"G'morning" Lily reached for a croissant and sat beside James.

A sleepy chorus of polite greetings followed her statement.

"Sod off", Remus.

"_Cow_…" Emmeline.

"Mfffucmmm!" Peter muttered, his face pressed deeply into the wood of the Gryffindor table.

"Trip out the North Tower window and _die_, Lily" Sirius followed this exclaim with flopping his head back onto the table, however he calculated the angle of decent incorrectly for his silky head landed in a steaming pot of freshly made porridge, "_Fuck_!"

His hands flew to his head, causing the pot to tip over and land in the flier of his trousers, "_Shit_, _shit_, bugger, _fuck…_ARRRG!"

James smirked , scooting leftward until he was out the radius of Sirius' hysterically flapping arms and frantic whelping.

"Hullo, Lily" he said conversationally, "Fancy seeing you so cheerful on a Monday morning"

She shrugged, smiling " 'Tis a gift"

"More a curse" he said.

Lily let loose a small chuckle, "_You_ don't seem too bitter this morning" she commented.

"How can I be? You just sat next to me" James said, sending her a winning smile and running a hand through his hair.

Lily rolled her eyes "Ever the charmer?"

"Always" he bit into a toast, matted with butter and jam, a fraction of it flying merrily into Lily's lap.

"Oh—mffmf—Mfsorry" with much effort, he swallowed, and reached a hand to wipe off the excess breakfast on the redhead's skirt.

"I'm sorry", he said clearly, "Let me help you—"

"That's aright, James" she said kindly "It's just a bit of jam —"

"But—"

"No, listen. All I have to do is—" _Ploof_, her plate, filled with color co-ordinated eggs, gravy, half of a croissant and finally, a fat load of French toast flopped onto his trousers "That"

He looked at his trousers, then at the minuscule droplet of jam obscuring the immaculate façade of Lily's wardrobe.

James picked a French toast from his lap, pooled with syrup, and smiled widely. He swiped the toast tenderly across her face, "Oh, excuse me." He placed the toast on her head and watched it as it left a trail of syrup across her other cheek "I have a shaky grip"

Lily raised a hand to her cheek and touched the syrup, coming off onto her fingers.

She let loose a manic giggle, which rose to an uncontrollable laughter. Lily threw back her head and whacked Peter with her syrup-soaked tresses, sending James into a fit of gurgling laughter.

"Lily?" someone tapped her on the shoulder, "Can I talk to you?"

Lily glanced over her shoulder with a chuckle "Wotcher, Dedalus!" she said, looking at James with a radiant smile , "Excuse me".

Lily took her wand from her pocket and cleaned herself, picking up her bag.

"G'bye James"

"Yea, g'bye"

OoO

"Listen Lily, there's a Hogsmeade weekend coming up—"

"Really, is there?" Lily leaned closer and placed a hand on his forearm "I haven't heard about it"

"Well I don't exactly know _when_ it 'tis but—"

"It's odd that I don't know about it." She said , placing a finger on her bottom lip "I _am_ a prefect, you know"

"Yes, I know." Dedalus sighed, gathering up the courage to begin again, "I was just wondering—"

"Lily!"

"Hullo, Amos!"

"You're awfully good humoured for a Monday morning" he commented wryly "Any particular reason?" he strutted over, pointedly ignoring the shorter, less attractive Hufflepuff.

"It's Defense first" she said happily.

"That's it?" he asked confusedly.

"Yea, I suppose so"

"Lily I wanted to ask—"

"Dedalus!" she exclaimed, as it having forgotten his presence "I'm so sorry, I haven't even introduced you two!"

"That's aright—"

"Dedalus, this is Amos Diggory"

"I know"

"And, Amos, this is Dedalus Diggle" Lily smiled brightly.

"I remember you!" The golden boy exclaimed suddenly "Didn't I stand behind you in the Sorting ceremony?"

"Yes" Dedalus said gruffly "You also thought it'd be amusing to stick a wad of Busting Bubbles Gum in my hair while behind me"

"Oh" Amos looked down, seemingly in shame. In actuality however, he was simply attempting to hide his widening smirk.

"Yes, '_oh'_" Dedalus spat bitterly.

Amos raised his head, unable to help himself "Is that why you wear that hat?"

Dedalus narrowed his eyes and Lily shifted her feet uncomfortably.

"Well, gents, if you'll excuse me—"

"Lily!"

She smiled " John, hello!"

John Brown, seventh year prefect and current underground Quidditch betting source strode over with exuberant confidence and mussed Lily Evans's hair.

"Hollyhead Harpies won their last game" he commented, "Remind me I owe you five galleons"

He was also dating a pretty blond whose name was Jasmine. She would later name her daughter Lavender, in accordance with her family tradition that stated all first born daughters must be named after an aromatic herb (her grandmother's name was Rosemary, and so on and so forth…).

"I will" she smiled "Did you want something, John?"

"Yes," he said, reaching into his pocket "Jasmine gave me a message for you….I have it written somewhere…bloody parchment…there it is" he pulled out a diminutive portion of parchment from his trouser pocket.

"Slippery bastard" John chuckled "Well, here it is" he cleared his throat , " 'Lily dear' oh _honestly_ '_Lily_ _dear_?'" he spat exasperated "She more like your mum than…, well, your mum!"

"And you two act like you're already married. Just finish the bloody note" Lily smiled, watching his ears turn a brilliant reddish color.

" 'Lily dear, you've become ridiculously pretty over the summer' it's true Lilykins, you've grown marvellously"

"Oh, shut up"

"Fine. 'Watch out for the hormonal buggers that want your arse' not very subtle , is she? 'John , remember I've run out of Anti contraception potion'—oh _bugger_.—hehe— sorry"

Lily laughed , finally turning back to Amos and Dedalus "I'm afraid if I don't go now, I'll be late for class" she said "I'll talk to you later Dedalus, yea?"

She turned back to John "Send my thanks to Jasmine , will you?"

He rubbed the back of his neck "Sure, but what about the—uh.."

"I'll brew it for you"

She walked briskly down the corridor, waving .

"Oi, Lily!"

She whipped around, her hair fanning out behind her and catching a stray ray of light.

"James!" she smiled widely "I can't talk—"

"I just wanted to know if you'd go to Hogsmeade with me this Saturday!" he called down the corridor.

Lily's smiled dropped slightly as if slightly disheartened "I can't!" she said disappointedly "I'm tutoring on Saturday!"

"What about Sunday?" he called.

"It's a Hogsmeade day?"

James blushed, rubbing the back of his neck in an embarrassed manner "Oh, no" he chuckled "It isn't"

She shook her head , "See you, James"

Lily turned a corner.

"Oi, Potter!"

"What Diggory?"

"_I_ was going to ask her to Hogsmeade!" he snapped.

"No you weren't!" Dedalus tugged Amos's shoulder out of the way "_I_ was!"

James shrugged, turning towards John , "Brown! How's Puddlemere this season?"

"Not too well, I'm sad to say, Potter…"

OoO

Lily dropped her books heavily into her bag, then dragged her feet out of the classroom, sighing dramatically. In her head, the beginnings of a route out of commonly tracked corridors.

She enjoyed the new attention she received, but it was tiring. How many more times would she have to make petty conversations with third years wanting to ask her to 'guide' them on their first day at Hogsmeade?

"Lily!"

Without turning around, she replied monotonously "No, I will not go to Hogsmeade with you"

"Isn't that a bit presumptive of you?"

"Sirius!"

"Yea" he said in a one that suggested he thought it impossible to confuse him with anyone else.

"Sorry. It's been a rather…odd day, I suppose"

He chuckled "I know, I heard." He flung his hand through his hair "Look, I just wanted to tell you I can't make it this Saturday"

"Why?" Lily asked "It's important that you pass Charms, Sirius—"

"Yes, I _know_ , Lily." He replied exasperated "Nevertheless, I can't make it. Thanks though."

Lily sighed cocking her head and rolling her eyes "It's Dorcas, right?" she asked.

"No" he said, "_I_ can't make it"

"Fine, fine." She snapped "See you."

OoO

She stomped blindly down the corridor, bag slung across her back.

"Ow!"

"Sorry"

"Oh, _Lily_, hello!"

"Wotcher"

"About this Saturday.."

"It's a Hogsmeade visit, I know"

"Would you like to go with me?"

"Yea, yea, sure."

"Really? _Wow_—"

"Look, just _move_!"

"Oh, right. Well, see you Saturday, _date_!"

Lily narrowed her eyes and continued her way down the corridor.

OoO

AN: **Hullo.**

**Thank you to those of you who reviewed, I'll bring you souvenirs.**

**I'm sure I can find something between the Human limbs and animal remains.**

**I'll leave you with those happy thoughts.**

**(P.S. Hi Linda!) **


	10. Pompous PreTeens

**Pompous Pre-Teens**

**AN: Home! 'Tis sweet, did you get my souvenirs? No? Oh, no matter. They were bollocks presents anyway. Well, here's another chap, it's so sweet, my teeth are rotting.**

_Thump. Shove, thump. _

"So, who are you?"

James pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"I can't see" said a shaky voice.

"'Doesn't matter" James said dismissively "Tell me who you are"

"Why would I do that?" said the voice, slightly annoyed "I don't know you"

"Well that's not what we're here for, is it?" James snapped "Tell me your bloody name!"

"_What we're here for?_" The voice was somewhat hysterical "How am I supposed to bloody know what I'm here for if you _shoved_ me into a sodding broom closet!"

James exhaled loudly and crossed his arms, though the second wasn't so evident.

"Have you ever dated Lily Evans?" James asked coldly "Or had the intent to?"

"Lily Evans?" the voice breathed "Has she mentioned me?"

"No!"

"Oh" the voice shrugged (again, not so noticeable) "Well, no, I haven't"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure!" the voice regained its snappy tone "Turn on the light!"

"No"

"No?" the voice stomped it's foot "_Why not?_"

"If I do, you'll know who I am"

"And?"

James breathed out his nose "Potential blackmailing material" he said.

The voice pressed it's palms together, breathing deeply to regain control "Look, you. Open the bloody door."

"Why should I?" he asked childishly.

"Because I—"

The door handle jiggled "Lily, I promise you, it's a very enjoyable experience—"

"I'm sure Amos"

"Then you simply _must_ let me—"

"Amos, you're my friend, that's _all_"

"But what about—"

"Emmeline heard wrong" she sighed "I said I liked _digging_, not Diggory"

"_Lily_—"

He pushed open the door.

"_Potter?_!" he spluttered, "_And_—who are you?"

A portly girl with protruding teeth stepped into the light , "Lily!" she exclaimed, then smiled.

The other three cringed at the sight "Do-d—do I know you?" Lily stuttered.

The girl blushed "No" she said shyly "But you tutor my brother"

"Oh, yea…" Lily looked at the girl with shifty eyes "Wha—what's his name again?"

"Andrew Creeve" she said exasperatedly .

"Right" Lily glanced about, "James!" she exclaimed in mock surprise "What are _you_ doing in there?"

"Well erm…you see," he searched for the correct wording, sending incredulous glances at the formidably sized girl ever so often, "I-I—I thought she was a boy"

"_What_?" Lily's eyes opened wide.

Amos laughed "Well, at least you've come out of the closet" he said wryly.

"Yes," said the small girl "It was incredibly dark in there" she shivered, stepping discretely closer to Lily "_Hold_ me Lily!"

"Uh…no." she pried the girl's hands from her sides and held them at a distance.

"What do you mean you thought she was a boy, James?"

"Nothing." He shifted his feet uncomfortably.

"He means he thought I was my brother" the girl said in her nasal tones "He's been telling all who will hear that he's dating Lily Evans"

"So it _is_ your brother!" James exclaimed.

"Alen?"

"Andrew!" the girl snapped .

"Right" Lily lowered her head.

Amos laughed loudly "He's lying, obviously. _I'm_ dating Lily."

"Merlin Amos, I bloody _told_ you—"

He waved his hand dismissively "You just don't see the advantages"

"You're right Diggory; she doesn't" said James, much to the surprise of the others "The smiles, the fame. The constant battle with his actual sexual preferences…"

Lily laughed almost despite herself.

"Potter, I'll—"

"Amos, why don't you take little…uh…I don't know your name" she addressed the podgy girl on her arm.

"Andrea"

"Of course" Lily motioned Amos closer "Take Andrea to her Common Room"

"But—"

"Five points should be enough for being out after hours"

"Lily—"

"Bye, Amos" she reached for James's hand and tugged him down the corridor.

OoO

"So you like digging, do you?"

Lily sighed "It was the best I could come up with" she said "It was either that or telling him Emmeline made it all up in a deep and psychotically deranged portion of her mind"

"Did she?"

"Only slightly" Lily cringed "She's very presumptive"

"I've heard"

A somewhat tense silence followed, only perturbed by the tapping of their shoes against the stone floor.

James walked with his back straight , his hands shoved forcibly into his pockets and his gaze hardly wavering from the empty patch of space in front of his nose, yet, the only obvious sign of anger was the tone with which his shoes clanked in comparison with the timid and somewhat intimidated sound of Lily's footfalls.

"James?" she asked .

"What?" he didn't look at her.

"Are you angry at me?"

"No" he snapped.

"You are" Lily stopped walking, forcing James to look back at her "Why, exactly?"

"I'm _not_ angry"

"Maybe if you repeat it long enough, I'll believe you"

"Look, I'm not angry. I'm tense"

"Sure James, I believe you" she said "Also, my second name is 'Gullible Prat'"

James rolled his eyes "Fine, you want to know?"

"Obviously"

"Why'd you tell me you were tutoring on Saturday?"

Lily furrowed her brows "I was"

"No, you were going on a date" he snapped "You didn't have to _lie_"

"I _didn't_" Lily said "The idiot cancelled"

James scoffed crossing his arms in a decidedly childish manner "How convenient" he replied.

Lily rolled her eyes, loosing sight of the point in arguing "Look James, if you're so interested, ask Sirius why he cancelled and report back to me, yea?" she swung her bag over her shoulder and turned her back to him, hurrying down the corridor.

"Oh yea, Lily, that's _loads_ more believable!" he called after her.

Lily reached a door and grasped it's handle before shooting an icy glare at James and slamming it shut behind her.

James stood silent for some second, pondering whether he'd been unreasonable or not.

Then "Oi, Lily!" he yelled "It's eleven thirty!"

OoO

"Can you pass the syrup, Lily?"

Lily picked up her head from between her arms, "It's in the middle of the table, Emmeline" she replied, somewhat coolly.

"No, you see it's _slightly_ closer to you and just enough to be out of my reach so if you wouldn't mind—"

"I do," Lily continued with her monotonous voice "Mind, that is"

"Well," Emmeline looked scandalized "Marlene, would you mind passing—"

"If you could just pick up your arse, Em, you'd reach the bloody syrup!" Lily interrupted.

"That wasn't very nice of you, Lily" Emmeline said quite cheerfully "I'd love for you to tell me what's decomposing up your arse, dear, it'd be rather useful knowledge"

Lily sighed , "Sorry" she muttered.

"That's better" Emmeline replied smiling wryly "Can you pass the syrup, Lily?"

She saw that someone had pushed the bottle several inches closer to Emmeline making it accessible within an arm's reach.

Lily breathed out her nostrils and rose from her seat, reaching for the bottle of syrup then handing it to Em.

"Thank you" she said , beaming.

Lily rolled her eyes and settled her head between her arms again, pushing away her breakfast with a glare.

After some minutes, someone dared to timidly poke her back.

Poke. Poke.

She ignored them.

Pokepokepokepokepoke.

"Is she asleep?" she heard a young voice whisper.

"No" Emmeline replied in her normal tone of voice "She's just trying to ignore you. By the way, just who are you?"

Lily groaned aloud and picked up her red head with whatever dignity was left in her to glare at Emmeline.

"Andrew Creeve" the boy answered happily in his squeaky tone "We have a date today"

Emmeline spluttered into her pumpkin juice,

"W-w-_what_?" Lily said "It was _you_?"

"Of course," he said pompously "Don't you remember?"

She shook her head.

"The seventh-floor corridor…I asked…you…erm…_agreed_?"

Lily kept sending the boy blank stares while Emmeline attempted to contain her hilarity.

"Aren't you…I mean," Lily began "In second year, Andrew?"

"Yea!" he said enthusiastically "You remember!"

"But—how…?"

"Sorry" he said sheepishly "Can you repeat the question?"

Lily cleared her throat to calm herself and tried again, "How are you supposed to take me to Hogsmeade? You aren't allowed"

"Oh" he didn't seem perturbed "You see, that's why I came to talk to you this early," he took a deep breath, grabbing Lily's palms and pressing them into his diminutive chest "I want to cancel our date"

Emmeline laughed heartily.

"_What_?" Lily snatched her hands from his grasp.

"Yea." He twiddled his thumbs "Sorry"

He backed away slowly then broke into a run, the cries of "Blast you Andrew, you can't imagine what you're missing!" followed him out the Great Hall.

Lily sunk back into the table, her head returning to its earlier position.

She took deep and cleansing breaths, "Emmeline" she addressed "Keep anyone from a ten foot radius" she muttered.

"Aye aye, paedophile"

OoO

"_Pssst_!"

Some insensitive bastard was behind her.

"Oy, _Oy_! _Pssssst_!" Lily heard something that sounded oddly like thrown silverware "Emmeline!"

"Ow!" Emmeline lowered her paper, massaging her head tenderly "Who in the—oh, hello James" she said cheerfully.

"Wotcher" he whispered "Why is Li—"

"Just a second, dear" she said, holding up a palm "I must find the person who had the mammoth sized balls required to throw something at me"

James raised a brow, feeling considerably threatened, "Em, I thr—"

"I said, just a _second_ , James!" she snapped "I'm sure whatever information you need on Lily she can give herself!" she strutted over to the third years within their perimeter, slamming a silver fork on the table and watching with caution the various expressions.

"I suggest you don't confess"

"Thanks—"

"I wasn't being friendly" Lily hissed, picking up her head from between her arms "Just commenting"

The side of her face had been imprinted with the Hogwarts crest, which was sewed magically onto the robe she'd put onto her arms to soften her headrest. She now looked like a demented sports fan, who, instead of the usual tattoo, had burned the team's symbol in a visible portion of their body.

"Oh…erm…"

Lily narrowed her eyes "_Yes_?"

"I-I er…talked to Sirius," he started brightly "Said he'd asked for some help in Charms—"

"Did he?" she asked scathingly "How _convenient_" she mocked.

James winced "Look Lily, I'm a prat , that's not news" he chuckled dryly "I kind-of—well, overreacted—"

"_No_…" Lily spat sarcastically

"_Yes_..." he smiled "I'm sorry"

The corners of Lily's mouth tweaked upward, almost shyly.

"That's alright—"

"Got 'im!"

"Emmeline!"

Sniffle. Sniffle. "_Mum_!"

She was dragging a rather large third year by his split ends, grinning like a well-fed banshee.

"That's right!" she yelled "This'll teach ya to throw expensive eating utensils at people!"

James let loose a guilty squeak and headed out of the Great Hall.

"Em, let him go"

Emmeline whipped her head around t look incredulously at Lily, "Where's blood-hungry spirit from thirty minutes ago?"

"Gone" she replied "Let him go, Em. He didn't throw anything at you"

Emmeline laughed, thinking it a joke.

She stopped, seeing that Lily's expression was still steely "Really?" she asked, softening her grip on the colossal sobbing child and placing a finger on her bottom lip "But I was sure…"

"How could that be?" Lily placed her fists on her hips, doing a very good impression of her mum.

"Well," Emmeline began reasonably "He was just so damnably _cocky_…"

"I'll tell Sprout!" the boy whined in an unbearably nasal voice.

Lily rolled her eyes and sighed "Look Em, apologize to this…_child_" she said in distaste.

Only after Emmeline had released him did the third year gather his overvalued dignity and puffed out his chest, giving him the look of a lordly blowfish.

"I have a name, you know!" he fussed annoyingly.

Lily tucked Emmeline's palm into the crook of her arm "Oh, good" she replied in a mocking chipper tone.

"It's Harold! Harold Abbott!" he persisted to call behind them "You'll do well to remember it when I'm _telling_ on you!"

Lily whipped around, closing the space between them in a matter of seconds. "Was that a _threat_?" she hissed "Are you _threatening_ a _prefect_, boy?" she raised her hand and slapped him on the side of the head "You'll do well to remember _this_, you pathetic heifer sized arse-brain, never, _never_ threaten Lily Evans"

With that she whipped around , her hair cuffing his face, her expression full of withheld laughter.

"And cut your hair!" Emmeline yelled as she backtracked out of the Great Hall "It looks ridiculous!"

OoO

James was leaning against the wall next to the library entrance, his head was tilted back and his eyes were closed.

Lily lingered in the shadows for a minute or so, admiring the inevitable bad-boy image that surrounded him simply because he had a foot propped onto the stone wall. She admired the look of bliss on his face, the comforting size of his crossed arms, his untameable hair flopping silkily on his face…

"Lily…"

James sighed , lowering his head into his large palms.

She stepped out of the shadows cautiously, clutching her transfiguration textbook to her chest with more force than was necessary.

James's head snapped up as if having been set on fire "Lily!" he said happily, "There you are; I didn't hear you coming!"

He outstretched his hands and grabbed her book , "Let me get that"

He pushed open the door of the library, "Minnie giving you any trouble?"

"Not so much as last year, it's more a massacre now than a mass genocide of neurons" she whispered.

James chuckled under his breath.

He led her to a secluded table at the back of the Library , which made her blush fiercely and thank Merlin for dark wintry days such as that one.

James set down the textbook and parchment.

"Need help?" he asked.

She shook her head "But I'd like the company…" she said bashfully, deviating her eyes out the window.

"So would I," said James "But I've got to visit Remus. I promised him I'd come see him at four and I'm already twenty minutes late"

"Oh" she said disappointedly "What are you still doing here then? Go see him!"

James smiled charmingly "But I wanted to ask you something"

_This is it_, Lily thought fleetingly "Yes?" her voice cracked.

"I was wondering if you could tutor Sirius…" James lowered his gaze and twiddled his thumbs "He's too bloody stubborn to ask you himself but, he could really use the extra help, I mean, If you aren't too busy or-just don't bloody feel like it, then it's aright, I just thought I'd ask—"

Lily placed her finger on his lips, but then removed it so quickly James wondered if he'd imagined it .

The matter was cleared up though "Sorry" Lily breathed "I dunno…what…what that was about…" she shook her head "Tell Sirius he can meet me here on Wednesdays , at four…I think, yea , at four"

"Thanks Lily"

Lily forced herself to smile "It's no problem"

James reached forward and timidly grabbed her hand "There's something else..."

"Yea?"

"Would you sit with me in the Quidditch game tomorrow? I know Emmeline loathes the game with an outmost prominent passion"

"Sur—"

"And Sirius has a date with Dorcas, Remus is sick, and Pete…well he's…gone, somewhere…can't recall exactly _where_, however point is! I'll be alone, and you'll be alone, so it's only natural we sit together—"

"Sure James, I'll sit with you"

"Really?" he breathed.

"Yea" Lily laughed "Now, go! Poor Remus will be furious with you!"

James laughed as well, giving her a chaste kiss on the palm before disappearing behind a towering bookshelf.

Lily smiled to herself, silently vowing not to wash that hand until she could help it.

**AN: I just wanted you to know that I probably wont be able to update with as much frequency due to the colossal amount of manual work forced upon me at home and the strain of philosophical thinking at school…ooohhh, the pain….**

**Much of that is bullshit, but you got the message, right? No fast updates, I'm terribly sorry. I'll miss you all much.**

**Now I bid you…Adieu….**

**Oh, REVIEW!**

**Yea…That's all. **


	11. A Flaming Passion

**A Flaming Passion **

**AN: I've decided to update on weekends. That is, if my masters allow it and I bloody well feel like it. It's a cute chap, I think. Be thankful for that.**

_Just do it_.

"Oh, lord"

"James?" croaked Sirius.

"Go to sleep Padfoot"

Sirius nodded sleepily and pulled his covers over his face.

James sighed gratefully. He looked at the mirror on the wall, raising a brow. He examined his immaculate trousers and smart shirt, his polished shoes and discarded glasses. James squinted into the mirror.

"You look lovely, dear"

"Lovely?" James scrunched his eyes, "Bugger! I was going for the 'handsome but casual' look"

"Well, I meant that dear" piped up the mirror "You look casually lovely"

"Stop with that blasted word!" snapped James in a stage whisper, reaching for his glasses and placing them roughly over his nose.

The mirror huffed, suddenly blurring and causing James's reflection to look awfully fat. "Happy?" it said coldly "Now you look casually _horrid_!"

Then it blacked out.

James sighed deeply, placing his forehead against the glass.

He reached into his pocket and pulled from it an object whose likes had never been seen less than ten feet from his radius.

A comb.

James stared at the object fearfully, as if waiting for it to pounce. The comb however did nothing whatsoever to make itself seem more intimidating. _In fact_, it thought, _I think I look rather friendly and inviting. _

James closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

_Just_ do _it, _he told himself.

With a slight nod to his returning reflection (though vaguely fuzzy), he stalked into the bathroom, his footsteps sounding like those of a condemned man.

OoO

Sirius bolted up from his covers, sniffing the air.

"PADFOOT!PADFOOTPADFOOTPADFOOT!"

Sirius glanced unperturbed to the slightly open door to the bathroom, "Yes?" he called sleepily.

The door of the bathroom slammed open, "HELP ME! _HELP_ ME, PADFOOT!"

James frantically waved his arms over his head and ran in circles.

Sirius lunged off his bed; his eyes open wide "PRONGS! PRONGS YOU'RE ON FIRE!" he screeched helpfully.

"I KNOW, I KNOW!" yelled James , "_HELP_ ME!"

"WHAT DO I DO?"

"SOMETHING!" James stumbled over a large pile of festering clothing " ARG!"

James's inflamed hair set the seemingly radioactive clothing alight , leaving him tangled and terrified between it.

"SIRIUS!"

"I _know_!" He snapped "I'm thinking, damn you!"

"That's it!" he exclaimed , rushing to his bedside table and reaching for his wand .

"HURRY!" yelled James, repeatedly slapping a dirty sweater over his head.

"_Aguamenti_!" a pathetic jet of dirty water spurt forth from Sirius's wand.

James coughed and spluttered "ON MY _HEAD_, YOU MORONIC DOG!"

Sirius nodded and aimed carefully "_Aguamenti_!" he repeated.

Finally, it was out, leaving a wet and rather vexed James Potter. His head was smoking, a large portion having been burned off, his forehead was caked with soot and his eyes were narrowed to slits.

"Sirius, what the sodding hell did you do to my comb?" James hissed icily.

"Your comb?" Sirius remarked casually "Nothing. Or at least I can't recall having done anything to it"

"It burst into flame"

"You head? Well, yes, it did mate" Sirius picked up a discarded shirt and poked a finger through a burned hole " Quite spontaneous like, wouldn't you say?"

"No." James's shoulders shook with anger "The comb. _My_ comb burst into flame"

"Oh." Sirius narrowed his eyes in thought, "_Ohhhhh_, I remember"

James stood; his fists balled "Do you?"

"Yea." Sirius scratched his head and laughed nervously " 's back in third year…I was trying out that combustion liquid…thought it didn't work" he eyed James's hair, as a chunk simmered and smoked "Obviously it did"

James lunged at Sirius "FIX IT!"

"OW!"

"GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR!"

"Getofff meeeeee!"

"FIX ME!"

OoO

"So, you have a date with Lily?"

Mumblewumble. Muttermutter.

"Oh, right"

Sirius removed the gag he'd placed in James's mouth "No, I don't." spat James

"Untie me!"

"I have a solution" stated he handsome boy with free limbs , ignoring his friend "Wear a hat"

"What?"

"And since you have none, or own none suitable for the occasion, I'll _find_ one for you!" he clapped his hands in delight.

"What are you on about?"

"Your hair, Prongs. It takes no genius to know that if Lily sees you half bald, half ablaze, she'll scatter in the opposite direction"

"You would know it takes no genius, wouldn't you Sirius?"

Sirius reached into his trunk "Perfect!" he exclaimed, continuing to ignore James's sarcasm "It's _darling_, don't you think?"

James eyed the thing that would adorn his head, his left eye twitched convulsively and his body shook in a great shudder.

_Bugger. _

OoO

"Good Morrow, ladies and pests!" Boomed John "In just a few minutes, we'll have the pleasure of watching Slytherin pulverized!"

"That's not polite Mister Brown"

"Oh, _well_." Huffed John through the stadium, "If you say so, Professor Celestine"

"I do, boy" she said mistily. "I was not made aware that _you_ were to be commenting, Mister Brown" she continued.

"What?" he asked mockingly "The spirits did not inform you?"

James chuckled, stuffing his dragon skin gloves under his armpits with a merry smile. He could see Lily fighting through the crowd.

"Excuse me, excuse me" she gently tugged a loose limb out of the way.

"Oh, dear, I think you should keep that in place" she advised cheerily.

"Excuse me, oh, _well_! That was rude, you prick." She reached into her pocket grumpily and quietly hexed the Slytherin that'd just shoved atop a terrified fist-year.

"Lily!" James called happily "Lily, over here!"

"Oh, James!" she shouted over the noise of the crowd "There you are!"

Shoving and crawling, occasionally biting, she appeared before him. Flushed from the cold, her ears tucked safely under a large and relatively shapeless hat, she exclaimed, "Hello!"

"Good morning" he replied warmly, motioning her to sit.

"It is, isn't it?" Lily said excitedly " I've never gotten the chance to mingle in the Quidditch mob" she said "It's positively _thrilling_!"

James laughed "Yea, I suppose"

Lily rubbed her gloved hands enthusiastically, then stopped, her eyes widening at the sight on James's head.

"Nice hat" she commented, "Is it…er...new?"

James reached a tentative hand towards his head "No" he sighed , "Mum made it"

"Oh!" she said "It's um…lovely!"

"Thanks" he muttered.

Suddenly the wind tore at Lily's head, swiftly taking her lumpy hat into the air and out of their reach.

"Shite!" exclaimed Lily.

James reached high above his head, but couldn't reach it. The harder they tried, the farther the anti-aerodynamic hat flew into the distance, until; finally, it was out of sight.

Lily flopped back onto the seats disappointedly.

"Sorry Lily"

"S'aright" she shrugged "S'not your fault , James"

Lily shivered , pulling her scarf over her ears, only realizing after having done so that by tugging on her scarf, she was cutting off her air supply.

Lily coughed , showering James with spit and phlegm.

"Oh, Merlin, James" she said embarrassed "I'm sorry"

"No problem" James smiled "Cough on me anytime"

Lily grinned thankfully and shivered again.

James sighed , watching Lily's ears turn redder and redder.

"Here" he said "Have my hat, I know it's hideous, but it'll keep you warm."

And so, James removed the ghastly lump of pink and neon purple from his head, cursing his gentlemanly ways.

OoO

"Well?" egged Emmeline from under her covers.

"Well, what?"

"What happened next?"

"You know what happened next"

"Correction, I _did_ know what happened next."

"You don't anymore?"

"I've forgotten" she said in a sheepish tone.

"Well," began Lily, burying herself deeper into the folds of her covers " His head was aflame, a fact I doubt he was made aware of. I screeched, he tried to calm me down" she shook her head "We apparently attracted the attention of Professor Celestine, who, at the time was in the commentator's box with a pair of Sneakoscopes, she saw his enflamed head and started yelling about the Quidditch stands being set on fire."

Lily pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Go on…"

"People panicked, trampling over each other. Poor Andrew's Ravenclaw banner got thoroughly _mangled_" she snickered "And Dumbledore postponed the game 'till after New Year's"

"_Bloody hell_"

"Yea…"

"So, why was James's head on fire?"

"Dunno." She shrugged "Well, he said his comb burst into flame but, when was the last time you saw James within the radius of a comb?"

"February tenth, first year, I'd dared James to brush his hair. By the time he reached the comb he was already crying"

"You remember that, but you can't remember what I told you five minutes ago?"

"What?"

"This is the third time I've told you the story, Emmeline!"

"No, I mean, what did you just ask me?"

Lily sighed "Anyway, I don't believe 'im"

"Yea, I think he's a pyromaniac too" Emmeline sat up and raised a brow "Yet your still going with him to the next Quidditch match"

"It would've been _rude_ to say no"

"Sure, just like it'd been _rude_ not to give him a little peck for the road when he dropped you off"

"It would've been!" Lily exclaimed, blushing furiously.

"Sure, sure. 'Nite"

"Wait, Emmeline—"

"Good Night!"

OoO

Her hand trembled as she opened the window. The outside was shrouded with flurry legions of beautiful white blankets. Lily inhaled the sharp cold air.

"_Lily_!" Charlotte snapped from the opposite end of the living room , "Close that bloody window!"

"But—"

"It's freezing in here!"

Petunia cackled and rested her back against her forbidding armchair, giving off the impression of being a rather villainous snow queen.

"But Mum, it _snowed_ yesterday!"

"And?" Charlotte huffed "Listen Lily Evans, I distinctly remember you promising me that today would be 'clean up' day"

"But mummy—" Lily whined.

"Don't you dare!" she snapped "This day's been postponed long enough, first it was a day ago, now, the twenty-_seventh_, I believe you've had enough time to play with your little _presents_—Lily? Lily, are you even listening to me?"

She wasn't. Suddenly she bolted from the window, leaving it ajar, pulled out her wand pressed her ear against the wood of the door.

"What is it?" droned Petunia loudly "Freakish guests?"

"Shut _Up_, Petunia!" whispered Lily fiercely.

"Mum," she continued, "Can you tell me what you see out the window?"

Charlotte walked tentatively towards the breezing window and peeked "There's a man" she whispered "He's wearing a black cloak," shuffle. Shuffle. "Can't see his face" Charlotte strained.

"Must be one of your lot"

"Shush!" whispered Charlotte fiercely.

The bell rang.

Lily looked startled and quickly snatched a glance through the hole in the door.

Lily burst into a brilliant smile and tore open the door, "James!"

"H-h-hello Li-lily" shivered James.

"Come in, come in!" she exclaimed.

Lily closed the door behind him, as James attempted to vanish the snow on his cloak.

She shook the cloak from his shoulders and hung it inside a small closet, "It doesn't matter" she smiled.

"Lily, won't you tell me who this handsome boy is?" Charlotte Evans smiled widely as she saw both youths blush till their roots.

"Mum , this is James Potter—"

"Another one of your freakish boyfriends?" scoffed Petunia "How _lovely_"

Lily fumed, balling her fists and glaring at her sister.

"I'll be in my room"

"We'll talk about this later, Petunia!" Yelled her mother up the stairs.

Petunia slammed her door closed.

Charlotte sighed, "I'm sorry, so sorry. You must think that our family's—Wait, are you _the_ James Potter?"

James smiled nervously "I don't know of anyone who shares my surname"

"You must then be the boy who's tormented Lily since second year!"

"Oh, that" James lowered his head.

Lily smiled tenderly, "Don't worry James, I forgive you"

Charlotte's brows shot into the thick of her hair.

"Well, won't you sit down? I'll make us some tea"

Lily waited until her mother disappeared behind the kitchen door to begin her conversation, "What are you doing here, James?"

"Well, it's quite simple" James rubbed the back of his head "I wanted to give you your present personally"

"But Christmas was two days ago"

James let loose a small chuckle "True, but… by the time I realized I wanted to give it to you face to face, all the stores were closed for the holidays and couldn't find one place to buy your mum and sister a present"

Lily gasped "You bought them presents?" she squealed.

"I—well-uh…yea."

Charlotte Evans squealed happily behind the kitchen door, _how thoughtful_, she thought.

OoO

"Won't you stay for supper?" Charlotte asked eagerly.

"I don't want to impose…"

"Oh, rubbish!"

Lily laughed , "'S true, mum. James does talk a fat load of rubbish occasionally"

James sighed shrugging, " True…"

Charlotte chuckled, taking a small sip of her mead.

"Well?" asked James , "Do you like it Mrs. Evans?"

"It's Miss Evans, James , but you may call me Charlotte." She sighed happily "I've always enjoyed the gifts of handsome young men…"

"Mum!"

Charlotte laughed "I _do_ like it, James. You must've noticed by now my rather mature liking for a good drink"

"Good" said James "I was rather nervous"

"How _darling_!" Charlotte exploded in merry laughter and hiccoughed.

"Mum, why don't you—"

"Nonsense! I'm having a _brilliant_ time!"

"_Mum_—"

Charlotte emptied her glass "This _is_ good!" she exclaimed. Quickly she reached for the iridescent bottle , attempting to pour herself a second glass before—

THUMP!

"Mum!"

"Miss Evans!"

Gigglegiggle. _SNORE_.

"Shite!" Lily reached for her mothers arm and shook it, "Mum? Mummy?"

"I think she's passed out" commented James, examining the bottle closely "Yup, says it here. 'Warning: The essence of Jasmine will act as a sleeping draft if Mead is drunk too quickly'" James chuckled dryly "Let's not forget 'We take no responsibility for undesired occurrences when drinking our product. It's alcoholic. You know that. Therefore, it's your fault, not ours.'"

"What bastards" said Lily, placing her fists on her hips, "You're seventeen, right?"

"Yea…" James said questioningly "Does that add to my appeal?"

Lily rolled her eyes, but smiled "No. However it does help me figure out who's going to levitate Mum to her bedroom"

"Right"

OoO

Lily knocked on Petunia's door.

" 'Tuna?" she called softly.

"Petunia?" she asked more forcefully.

Lily turned to James beside her "She's asleep, obviously"

James nodded and began to head down the stairs, when they reached the foot of them, there was an awkward shuffle of feet.

"So…erm…sorry 'bout your mum. 'S my fault"

"Bollocks" muttered Lily, blushing, "It's her fault"

"Well then, uh…bye"

James tugged the door open, his cloak flapping about him, his cheeks already flushed with the cold.

"Wait, James!"

"Yea?"

"Stay" said Lily timidly "There's some kipper and mash if you want…"

"Supper?" he asked.

"Not unless you don't want to—"

"Well, truth be told, I _am_ a little peckish…"

Lily smiled, closing the door. "Come then, good sir, I'll serve you supper!"

OoO

"Did he sleep over?"

"_No_!"

"Hell, don't look so offended. Nothing would've surprised me"

"Goodnight Emmeline"

"Always is, lately. You notice that?"

"Shut _up_!"

A pillow smashed against a glass object on the opposite bedside across from Emmeline.

"Dorcas is going to _murder_ you, her mum gave her those"

"Bugger" Lily whimpered.

"You have terrible aim"

"_Thank_ you."

"Not such a good night anymore, is it?" she commented casually.

The next morning, Dorcas would find her pair of glass earrings shattered, their shards atop a note pronouncing 'My name is Emmeline and I'm a clumsy, insensitive oaf'.

OoO

**AN: **

**Well, I told you it was cute, didn't I? **

**I think I'll be one of those old women that sit in their rocking chairs telling you about how many men they could've gotten, don't you? I mean, I could have thousands of men at my bidding at this moment, yet I'm writing here, for you. **

**Be grateful and review, will you?**


	12. Epiphany on Parchment

**Epiphany on Parchment**

**AN: 'ello, loves! I'm particularly moved by this chap, so I wont ruin it with my bitter ravings. Enjoy!**

_Dear Mummy, _

_Hullo Mum, how've you been? How's 'Tuna? Good? That's grand. I'm fine, so is Emmy, we've just finished the ending exams, you know. I did well, as usual. We're all fine and good really; I can't seem to find the reason why I'm writing this letter. Nothing important has happened. Dory decided to bestow me with her droppings in my breakfast some days ago, but that's not interesting._

_What I mean, mummy, is that the reason I'm writing this letter seems quite trivial and pointless. Yet, it makes my heart race like Paul, John, Ringo and George. Like, when I discovered the joys morning crumpets, or that time I fried Petunia's hair. My stomach's become an Olympic acrobat over a very short period of time, or perhaps I've always felt this way, but, it's disconcerting. I think, mum, I am almost certain, positively certain, even, that, well—_

_I'm in love. _

_Moreover, I'm in love with—_

The wind played gently across her feverish forehead as she looked fondly over the Black Lake, she sighed, tapping the green feathered quill against the corner of her mouth.

_With—_

Lily willed herself with all her being, pressing her quill against the parchment with her other hand, nearly brawling with her right hand to write the name.

_With—_

"Lily!"

"Oh, good Merlin!" she exclaimed, clutching at her heart, "James!" she blushed.

"Good morning" he said pleasantly.

"What are you doing here?" Lily asked, quickly cramming her quill and letter into her bag.

"What else?" he smiled "I came to see you" he drew from his pocket some diminutive items , then enlarged them.

"What's—"

"Breakfast" James said, "Thought you'd be hungry. Em said you'd just gotten up and left this morning"

He handed her a crumpet, toasted and dripping with butter and marmalade.

"Hope you like it"

"Thanks" she said meekly, blushing something awful, "Is there any—"

"Tea?" James asked with a chuckle, handing her a small china cup "What kind of breakfast doesn't have any tea?"

Lily sipped the steaming cup silently .

" 's hot today" James whispered.

"Yea" Lily agreed.

James leaned back against the bark of the beech tree with a content sigh.

"It's hard to believe we've come so far" Lily said, eying the remains of the crumpet in her lap "I mean, next year we'll leave this place forever"

"Don't be such a pessimist" James put down his cup, "That's the reason we've got to make next year the best so far"

"That's not what I meant!" Lily snapped, "I meant you and me" suddenly, Lily's eyes did anything but perch on him.

"Oh"

"I mean, we're such good friends now, sixth year, but, next year…we'll just…leave"

"Is something wrong Lily?"

"No!" her blush returned, "Nothing at all!"

"Good" James vanished his cup and the crumbs surrounding them, "Look, it's simple, I'll just attach myself to your back. By the end of next year, you won't even believe you ever thought of missing me"

Lily gave a weak chuckle, placing her head on his shoulder.

"That's what you meant, right? That you'll miss me?" It was James's turn to blush.

Lily smiled against the fabric of his shirt and inhaled the fresh scent deeply "Of course James" she breathed.

He shivered.

"Is that all?" James whispered.

Lily picked up her head.

There was a distant tingle of bells chiming.

James turned his head in the direction of the castle "We'll be late" he said.

Lily shrugged, "We're leaving tomorrow. Pray tell, what is the point of lessons?"

"The acute annoyance of the students' m'dear" he got up, dusting off his trousers and offering his hand to Lily.

She took it.

"What've we got?"

"Transfiguration" he reached for her bag and swung it over his shoulder.

Lily began to protest, but he raised a palm.

"Let me"

"Fine," she replied, smiling "I'll race you, Potter!"

With that, she bolted up the fervently abundant greenery, towards the castle, James protesting about the burdens of being a gentleman at her heels.

OoO

" Fucking 'ell, Vance! _Aim_, aim!" cried Dorcas, dodging another fast-flying jumper.

"What about this one?" Emmeline asked tentatively, stepping out of the closet in naught but her underwear and a vibrant orange jumper.

"For the love of Merlin, Vance!" Marlene hurtled a pair of trousers in her direction, covering her eyes, "_Must_ I see your discolored knickers?"

Emmeline paid them no mind, "Lily? What do you think? Is it attractive?"

"What?" Lily asked dreamily, picking her head up from her lazily positioned fist at the edge of the window.

"How do I look?" Emmeline twirled .

"Hideous" Lily said nonchalantly , returning to her earlier pensive posture.

Emmy let loose a manic yell of frustration "Li-_ly_!" she whined "That's my last jumper! I can't find anything else to put on besides winter clothes!"

Lily sighed, casting a look of utter annoyance at her friend "I meant the trousers Em, or lack thereof. And stop stealing my knickers"

"Those are yours?" Dorcas mocked from across the dormitory , applying a thick coat of vibrant lipstick "they're horrid"

Lily rolled her eyes "So is the spot that's eating the side of your face, Meadowes"

Dorcas quickly dropped the scarlet tube and placed a hand on a small irritated pore grazing her otherwise clear cheek.

"What about my trousers?"

"Wear the skirt" Lily glanced back from glaring at Dorcas , placing a palm on her forehead.

"It's my father's kilt" Em said proudly "Nicked it. Neat, innit?"

"Just put it on"

As Emmeline bent and reached for the kilt, Dory flitted through the open window, looking haggard and thirsty.

"Dory!" Marlene cried happily , "Do you have Marcus's letter?"

Dory gave a feeble hoot and collapsed on Lily's disheveled bedsheets.

"That's it!" Lily cried, pulling the letter from Dory's leg and thrusting it at Marlene "that's the bloody _last_ time I let you use Dory to exchange raunchy letters with your Bulgarian pen-pal!"

"They are _not_ raunchy!" Marlene exclaimed outrageously, "And he's Yugoslavian!"

"Same difference" Lily waved a dismissive hand and reached for the letter clutched in Marlene's hand.

She ripped open the seal " '_My dearest Carrot-cake, I'm spread-eagled across my bed, having longing memories of our summer's past, inevitably engraved in the folds of my covers, those times when you so lovingly rubbed you luscious'—_"

"Stop! _Please_! I'll stop stealing Dory on Friday nights!" Marlene cried, falling to her knees "I promise!"

"That's all I ask" Lily smiled, handing her the letter.

"I'll see you, Em"

"Uh-huh" Emmeline waved her out the dormitory, pivoting profiles in front of her _Ego-Boost_ life size mirror, whom piped up a "Tally-ho, gorgeous!" as Lily left the room, Dory tucked under her arm and a parchment clutched in her grasp.

OoO

_With love, _

_Lily_

She eyed the other owls carefully, as if analyzing their intent towards her used parchment.

Lily reached Dory, whom was nursing her pained ego by showing her injuries to her Owlery companions. After some months Lily had found, not so surprisingly, that Dory was a rather arrogant owl, often parading her golden feathers in the Great Hall by landing with a flourish atop a fellow Gryffindor's breakfast or other such nonsense.

"Dory" Lily called, "Dory" she insisted.

_Hoot_. Dory turned her great eyes towards Lily with an expression resembling something close to annoyance.

"I need you to take this to Mum."

Dory huffed.

"Oh, stop your bloody complaining, you ego-inflated turd."

Dory looked offended and flew to a higher perch, making sure to make her 'damaged' wing more prominent and pity-inspiring.

"What a wonderful actress you are" Lily said bitterly, "Too bad you're going to have to starve for the next fortnight if you can't manage to return to a lower perch".

Proud and stubborn, her beautiful bird stuck its hind feathers up, so that Lily's view was limited to her arse.

Suddenly, the door of the Owlery flung open and banged against the stone wall behind it.

There stood a sheepish James, hands tucked under his pits and an elegant chocolaty owl resting upon his broad shoulder.

"I thought you'd be halfway to Hogsmeade by now" said Lily, turning her back to him and straining to reach Dory, whom seemed transfixed by the appearance of James, "You celebrate the coming of vacations every year"

"I'm not." James smiled "Seems Dory still harbors rather amiable feelings towards Piddy,"

"I'll say" Lily agreed.

The Marauder's owl, Pidgeon, hooted deeply.

"Why'd you call him that?"

"What? Piddy?" James chuckled to himself "Rather curious story…well…not _really_. Pads wanted to call him pigeon, but misspelled the name on the registration form, so we'll never let him forget it"

"Ah"

Dory fluttered down in a flurry of golden feathers, landing gracefully on James' unoccupied shoulder.

_Hoothoot_, she hooted provocatively, turning her great emerald eyes to face Pid.

He, somewhat rudely, turned his head away silently and flew to the populated corner of the Owlery.

"Ooo" James smirked "What a cold greeting"

Lily addressed Dory "Will you take it _now_?"

Dory nodded, sticking her right leg out prominently.

Lily tied it hurriedly, avoiding eye-contact with James, whom was looking down at her cheerfully.

Her owl flew to the window, glancing morosely in the handsome owl's direction before heading out into the darkening grounds.

"So?" asked James.

"Yea?"

"Who's the letter for?"

"My mum"

James snorted "Oh, _please_. You'll see her tomorrow, why would you write to her?" he turned around, heading out of the Owlery with a dismissive wave to his bird.

Lily followed "What are you trying to say, James?"

"Nothing, nothing" he leaned in and whispered in her ear "Who's the letter _really_ for, Lily?"

"My mum!"

"Sure"

They walked in silence for a pair of minutes, the air around Lily crackling with unreleased tension.

"What were you doing in the Owlery?" she asked curiously, a thought striking her "I didn't see you send anything"

James blushed "I-I- was just—"

"Yes?"

"Just—"

"_Yes_?"

"Lily I—"

"There you two are!"

Emmeline Vance stood in front of them, her kilt and orange jumper blinding them with magical vibrancy.

"You'll be late for the party!"

"Party?" Lily asked, her brow furrowed.

James grasped his chance, "_That's_ why I went to the Owlery!" he exclaimed "It's Remus's birthday party, I was wondering if you would come"

"Oh, of course!" she said, blushing furiously.

"Good!" Emmeline clasped her hands in front of her enthusiastically "It's settled. Follow me!"

After a series of twists and passageways, slides and wrong turns, they ended before an empty patch of wall which Emmeline paced in fervently in front of.

A vivacious red door appeared, and the three entered.

Lily was taken aback not only by the sheer volume of music expiring from the room, but by the size of it.

There stood a room nearly as large as the Great Hall, with giant celestial spectrums of Remus, Peter, James and an all but naked Sirius floating about on the ceiling. Three fourths of the schools must've been there, over there, yes, was Amos Diggory, sucking the breath out of the back of his hand, and in the other corner, that was John Brown, taking pictures and finally, there was Peter Pettigrew, drowning out his loneliness by gulping down his fiftieth cup of watered piss, which he believed to be Firewhiskey.

"Em, _Darling_!" Remus made an appearance, shirtless. Or, more appropriately, shirtless and performing an Irish jig.

"Let's dance!" he pulled her by the cuff of her jumper onto the dance floor.

James sighed and awkwardly glanced about the room.

Lily crossed her arms, watching her friend somewhat enviously, "Well, I'm off"

"What?" James exclaimed "You can't leave! I haven't even—"

"To get a drink, James. I can't dance an Irish jig sober"

"Oh," he blushed "Of course"

OoO

The armchair was getting rather comfy, despite the beastly odor that drifted form it occasionally, Lily mused groggily, someone must pissed on the armrest.

"Lily?" someone poked her arm.

"Yes?" she looked up from her drink "Oh, hullo James…nice weather we're having, isn't it? Lovely…lovely…"

James raised a brow , "Yes…listen, would you dance with me?"

"Oh, sure!" Lily tittired , "I've been waiting for you to ask," she commented secretly "Don't tell James"

"What?—"

"Shushhhh" Lily placed a finger on his lips and pulled him derisively into the crowded dance floor, "You'll understand in time my little pasty"

The song came to a close to disappointed moans, mainly sprouting forth from Lily.

Soon however, it was replaced with a jazzy number.

"Ooh!" Lily clapped her hands excitedly "Take my waist James!"

James placed his hands strategically; eying Lily's flushed cheeks and sporadic giggles with an air of understanding.

"You're _sloshed_" James said with a sigh "Thank Merlin"

Lily tittered "Lovely, lovely" she muttered as she thrust her hips from side to side in an enthusiastic manner.

"That's the way, Evans!" called Sirius from some couples away, "And, one, two, three four, _thrust_! Four, five, six seven, _shove_! Again, ladies!" He addressed the conga line of inebriated Hogwarts females behind him, nevermind the slow, melodic song sounding in the background.

James took advantage of a rather over-exerted pelvic-thrust of Lily's that landed her on the floor, to take out his wand.

"Sorry, Lily" he muttered.

In a burst of purple smoke, Lily stood, swaying a bit, clutching her temples.

"Oh, sodding fuck!" she cursed "My head, _ahhhhh_, I feel as if Peter just sat atop my skull after eating the Giant Squid"

James smirked "I'll fix it, stop moving"

And so she did, he muttered a select few healing spells and Lily was breathing painlessly.

"Thanks"

"Uh-huh" he ran a hand through his disheveled hair.

"One, two, three four, _thrust_!"

"So…" James began.

"Why don't we finish the song?" Lily continued.

"Sure."

He placed his hands on her waist, she was blushing.

Finally swaying somewhat melodically, they listened to the song.

_Oh, come and stir my cauldron,_

_And if you do it right, _

_I'll boil you up some hot strong love_

_To keep you warm tonight. _

"Oh, gods…" James muttered, horrified.

"That's..." Lily joined.

"Bloody _awful_" they finished together.

Both burst into cackling laughter, ending with low chortles.

James smiled widely, watching Lily do the same. Her breath was coming in labored gasps, and her face was glowing with what he thought to be happiness.

James leaned closer, "Merlin Lily, I—"

"_Evans_! Evans, quickly!"

Lily quickly separated from James's embrace, searching for the owner of the yell.

Dorcas Meadowes was at the entrance of the hall, motioning her over frantically.

"What's wrong?"

"It's your bloody bird!" Dorcas snapped, "She's passed out, on _my_ covers!"

"Is she alright?"

"How bloody hell should I know?"

Lily bolted from the door, running quickly down the stairs , through the corridors up into the Common Room and finally to the Girl's dormitory.

Dory was sprawled on Dorcas's bed , her left wing bent at a strange angle.

"Oh, Dory…" Lily stroked her silken feathers tenderly, "What happened?"

Her owl hooted feebly, turning her head so that it was facing Lily.

Lily's eyes filled with tears.

Suddenly a dark bird fluttered through the open window, it looked around the room, and after spotting them, flew closer.

It was Pidgeon. He looked ashen and deeply melancholy; when he looked at Dory, he hooted a loving comment and nipped at her wounded feathers tenderly.

Lily smiled through her tears.

OoO

Only the next morning, after Dory was safely tucked under the covers of a miniature hospital bed in the Care of Magical Creatures classroom with her newly appointed owl-friend, did Lily realize the letter was gone.

Vanished, no-where to be found.

She searched all the places she could think of. Under her bed, under Dorcas's bed, Marlene's, Emmeline's and Amelia's. The first, second, third, fourth, fifth and seventh-year dormitories, the bathrooms, the Boy's Dormitories, the boy's bathrooms. The kitchens, the Great Hall, classrooms and the oddest broom closets she'd ever inhabited.

It was lunchtime and Lily was rocking back and forth in her usual seat.

_What if someone found it? Read it? They'll tell their friends…Pretty soon, the western hemisphere will know Lily Evans loves—_

Lily bit her nails nervously, glancing furtively around her for suspicious characters.

"Lily Evans?" piped up a tall, squeaky voiced student in the front of the Great Hall.

Lily rushed to the boy, receiving strange glances as she reached him, panting from the exertion.

"Ye—gasp—s?"

"I'm Bill Weasley" he said proudly "Second-year"

"Congratulations" Lily said in a dry tone, her breath retuning.

"Thanks" Bill continued obliviously "Look Miss Evans, I have your letter"

"Do you?" Lily squeaked.

"Yes" he said happily at her enthusiasm, then reached into his pocket and pulled from it a grass-stained and crumpled parchment.

"I picked it up after some Slytherin threw a rock at your owl, or at least, I presume it was your owl"

"It was" her eyes scanned the parchment; yes, it was all there, her confessional.

"Have you read it?" she asked hurriedly.

"Wouldn't dream of it" he said quickly, "I'm in a bit of a rush, you see I've got to pack so…"

"Thanks, Bill."

"It was nothing." The red-haired boy waved and disappeared around the bend of the door.

She sighed happily, skipping to her seat. Lily sat, piling her plate with a ton of potatoes and gravy, roast and greens before,

'_I've got to pack so…'_

"Shite, shite, _shite_!" she slapped her palm against the wood of the table, pushing off and bolting up the marble stairs.

"What's up her arse?"

"Certainly not you" Sirius chuckled at his dirty joke, stuffing another load of mince into his open gap.

James rolled his eyes, "Oi, look, she's left some spare bit of parchment…"

He reached for it, eying the letter curiously.

"What is it?"

But James wasn't listening, his eyes were glued to a phrase, written in that neat, excruciatingly beautiful hand that could only belong to Lily Evans.

_Moreover, I'm in love with,_

_With—_

_James. _

**AN:**

—**cricket—cricket—**

**(Author starts freakish indigenous joy-dance) **

**He knows, he knows! James knows! He knows!**

**Chachacha! **

**REVIEW!**

**(applause)**


	13. Setting the Stage

**Setting the Stage**

**AN: It's a bit late for an update, isn't it? Sorry. **

"Anything off the trolley, dears?" The smiling plump witch took in the sight of the sitting teenagers.

"_No_!" one spat viciously "We don't want anything off the trolley!" she gasped for air as she leaned over her knees, tons of mucus dripping from her nose and onto the floor as her body shook with racking sobs.

"I—sob—bet—gasp—she's—gaspsob—Bloody laughing—hiccough—now!"

"She's not, Emmeline" a small redhead droned from beside the hysterical girl, rubbing her back comfortingly "She's just smiling friendly—"

"SHE'S LAGHING! 'BET THIS IS—hic—BLOODY _HILARIOUS_—hic-hic—"

"No-no, I swear!" the trolley witch stammered, her face looking quite at a loss for expression without her ear-to-ear grin.

"It's alright" said the petite redhead, sending the witch a tired smile, "Can you wait outside for a moment? I need to buy something"

"Emmy," the girl said softly, "I'm just going to step out for a bit—"

"You're leaving me!" the frazzled hair stuck up on ends, her runny nose excreted three tons more bogeys as her eyes leaked salty tears, "Why?"

"Em—"

A huge sob shook it's way out of the girl's body as she clung to the redhead's skirt "WAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The trolley witch was forced aback by the force of the cry.

"YOU'RE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!" the girl cried "THEY ALL LEAVE!"

Seemingly calmer, she let go of the skirt and leaned back into the seats "My aunt Daisy, my brother Tomas, Jesse, my pink goldfish. My great-uncle Gerof—"

"Em, Gerof died of ink poisoning in a Tattoo parlor halfway down Knockturn alley with three fourths of a Firewhiskey bottle stuffed down his throat, he didn't leave _you_, specifically"

"But he _left_!" sniffle, sniffle, "And my step-mum Lara—"

"Laura"

"Yea!"

The girl rolled her eyes, making her way discretely to the door, sliding it open, and then shutting it closed after her.

"Is she alright?"

"She'll be fine" the girl replied dismissively "Now, how's your supply of chocolate?"

"All I've got are chocolate frogs," said the trolley witch, "I've run out of the rest"

"That's fine, should be enough" she pulled forth from her pocket a couple dozen knuts and three galleons "I'll take the lot"

"All that chocolate dear?"

"Yes" she replied shortly, eying the glass doors tentatively "And if you could melt them into slabs? I'd be forever grateful"

"What happened to her?" the plump witch asked, placing a bag of chocolate frogs above her flaming wand.

"She's broken up with her boyfriend"

"Oh," said the woman, suddenly sobered "I understand. I understand all too well. Poor child."

"Yea, sure. The chocolate?"

"Here, dear. Don't bother paying me; that poor soul needs all the support she can get now"

Lily slid open the door, holding the bag of chocolate before her like an impenetrable shield.

"Em?" she whispered "I-I have chocolate"

"Rea—sob—lly?"

"Yes. Here" she threw the bag, watching Emmeline pounce on it like a raunchy male teenager.

After a few minutes of Emmeline's excessively loud chewing, Lily decided it was alright to intrude upon her ritualistic noshing.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?"

Emmeline put down her bag, half her face was covered in croaking chocolate, streaked form her impulsive tears.

"I suppose" she sniffled, "Remus broke up with me"

"Surprisingly enough, I kind-of sorted that out myself"

Emmeline glared accusingly at her , "Well then if you had it all 'sorted out' then why did you need me to tell you, you pompous smug-arse?"

"Sorry" Lily said, shamefaced, "Continue"

"He said he couldn't keep secrets from me anymore and that it would be unfair of him to ask me to tolerate that" her voice broke and she wiped at her tears with furious hands "He said I was too good a person for that. My bloody arse! I could just—sob—sodding rip him apart!"

She shoved a fist into her bag and pulled a handful of chocolate, shoving it down her throat.

Lily didn't say anything; she ran a hand through her fiery tresses as she leaned into her seat pensively.

"I know what you're thinking" spat Emmeline bitterly through a mouthful of croaking chocolate "I bet he's shagging Sirius too"

Lily cringed "_Gah_!" she said, covering her eyes, "Merlin! You're sick! Sirius? Lord just…..GAH!"

"It's true then?" Emmeline swallowed "You've seen them together?"

"No!" Lily's arms spasmed, as if attempting to cover her eyes "_Gah_! Such—explicit—mind—images—_Gah_!"

The redhead quickly got up form her seat, opening the sliding door with a bang. She ran forth with the speed of a determined person, as if running for her sanity.

OoO

BANG—BANG—

Lily rattled the glass window of the compartment door with her furious knocking.

"Remus? Remus I know you're in there!"

"No one's in here!"

"Shut _up_ Wormtail!"

"You didn't hear anything!"

"Peter, you're making it worse!"

"Well, Sirius, at least I _attempted_ to help instead of just sitting there all silent-like—oh"

"Yes, 'oh'"

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" James stuck his head out of the compartment's door, grinning boyishly "Hello luv, how's life?"

"Hullo, James" she attempted to keep a straight face, although she could feel the heat climbing slowly onto her cheeks and her train of thought consisted of something like, _Oh Merlin he said 'Luv' he called me luv, I'm his luv, LUVLUVLUV! Ahhhhhhhh! Luv! Which is a mispronounced version of LOVE! L-O-V-E! Does he love me? Do I love him? I love his arse. OH, MERLIN HIS ARSE MUST BE THE ONLY FRACTION OF ADONIS LEFT ON THIS EARTH! Ahhhhhhhhh—_

"Let me in"

"So quickly? No foreplay?"

"Oh, leave your innuendo for when I can stand it!" she pushed past him with a weak and relatively feeble shove whose only evident purpose was to feel James's upper torso.

"Remus"

His head was leaning against the glass of the window, conveniently woeful.

"Yes?"

"I need to talk to you" she bit out, her knuckles popping.

"S'alright, I already feel bad enough"

"That's what they all say," she said menacingly "before I'm done with them"

Sirius and Peter gulped, Remus slimed weakly.

"Lily, leave him be. He feels horrid" James said quietly, gently tugging on the back of her shirt.

"Oh, does he?" she said in mocking tones of concern "Does he feel bad for breaking up with her? Or does he feel bad for not having done it sooner?"

Remus winced.

"Lily…"

"No, James! You feel the need to protect your friend, right? Well, I need to avenge mine!" she sat opposite Remus and crossed her arms over her chest "Why'd you break up with Emmy?"

Remus looked up at her with pleading eyes.

"Tell me" she pressed.

"I couldn't tell her…." Remus said softly "She would've hated me"

"Well then, tell _me_. I already hate you"

Remus smiled, despite the biting comments "I can't"

Lily raised her hands to the ceiling and screeched; "_Merlin_, you're such a sodding bastard!" she got up and looked him in the eyes "Bloody coward."

With that, she stomped out the compartment, only turning back with a cool façade proclaiming "There's a Prefect meeting in an hour, don't be late, Lupin".

Remus sighed, pressing his forehead against the chilly glass of the compartment window; it'd started raining thinly, as if mocking his melancholy.

"She's so…ruddy _hot_"

"James!" Sirius exclaimed.

"What?" he looked up demurely "She acts mad and I get hot, it's a vicious cycle!"

The werewolf chuckled.

OoO

Emmeline dabbed at her tears with a dirty hanky, "Lily, this is Edgar, I believe"

"How do you do?"

"Well, I guess. At least in comparison to our poor Emmeline"

Lily chuckled "You're a Prefect, right?"

"Hmmnn, yes" he said airy "I must admit, it's not my favorite occupation"

"I see"

Emmeline leaned back into the velvety seat cushions happily, clutching the hanky to her breast, "Edgar tells me he's very emotional" she started conversationally.

"Is he?" Lily asked awkwardly.

"Oh, yes, terribly!" Edgar flung his palms to his cheeks "Oh, my tantrums have been known to startle awake a whole pixie colony!"

Emmeline laughed appreciatively, while Lily sent her looks of incredulity.

"OOH!" Edgar exclaimed flamboyantly "Must dash! Patty's offered me a place in her infamous tea parties and I simply could not refuse!" he giggled.

"Goodbye, Head Girl. It was nice to formally meet you" he leaned forward and harassed her flaming cheeks with his pruned but early five 'o' clock shadow, planting his lips firmly.

"Take care, Emmy-doll. Never let a man get you down, my mum always said!" he planted a swift kiss on her lips and proceeded to swing his hips dangerously out the door.

"Keep the hanky!" he called.

"Such a nice bloke…"

"Yea," said Lily, rubbing her cheek "But certainly a bit…odd"

"Oh, he's not odd! He's just queer"

"What?"

"He's queer." Emmy rolled her eyes "You know…Opts for the other side…cheers for a different team…"

Lily continued to stare blankly at her.

"He's a flaming queen, Lily! _Everyone_ knows that!"

"Well…" she blushed and coughed into her fist "I _thought_ he was a bit friendly…"

Emmeline chuckled "He is. Lovely person actually, seems quite a bit of a shame he's gay…"

"What a waist of man material…"

"Tell me about it"

OoO

Once they exited the train, it had stopped raining, but an intense amount of fog had settled about Hogwarts grounds, barely offering them sight of their feet. The sky was stormy and troubled, as were a couple of students.

"It's almost dark"

"Relax Moony, we have time. All we need to do is get to McGonagall; she'll take care of everything"

"You're right"

Lily held her breath as the Marauders continued to whisper furiously as they went farther and farther away from their carriage.

Emmeline's breath was warm and chocolate scented on her shoulder, where her head rested as she slept from exhaustion.

"You look awfully pale, Remus!" she heard someone call up ahead as the carriage leaped forward, "Maybe you should see Madam Pomfrey!"

"Stupid twonk! Didn't ya hear? He's broken up with Emmeline!"

Lily rolled her eyes and narrowed her eyes on a looming spot ahead, Hogwarts.

OoO

It was during the feast that it hit her—Lily wasn't having any pudding.

"What the sodding hell, Lily?"

The hall echoed ominously, and Dumbledore looked surprised at the dark haired Gryffindor beside the Head Girl.

"_What_?" hissed Lily, narrowing her eyes.

"You've ignored the lemon biscuits and the jelly….."

"And!"

"It's just _odd_…"

Dumbledore swiftly forgave the girl for interrupting, agreeing that yes, it was strange to see a healthy girl avoiding pudding. Later Lily was subjected to inquiries as to her eating habits and a full period of Ego-boosting class, but for all intense and purposes, this will be ignored.

Lily had been quite silent throughout the night, occasionally scratching the base of her neck or the start of her forehead (a rather irksome habit she'd picked up from her sister whom was habitually plagued by lice), signaling her close friends of her deep thoughts.

She barely touched her Shepherd's Pie, and once finished with her periodic embarrassment, she herded the first-years alongside James( Head Boy) who looked much like herself, withdrawn and twitchy.

"You aright, Lily?"

"Fine" she responded rapidly, causing her elbow to spasm and injure a newly appointed Gryffindor.

"Why do you ask?" she asked jerkily.

James tore his eyes from the window facing the grounds, "Huh?" he gathered himself "Oh, no reason"

"Are _you_ aright?" Lily placed a hand on his forearm as she kept a first year from wandering into a trick step that led to a room in the dungeons, complete with furry handcuffs.

"Fine" he said briskly "Why do you ask?"

"No reason"

"Right"

They giggled uneasily.

"Listen Lily, do you mind if we cut short the tour and lead them straight to the Common Room?"

"Not at all," she said eagerly "The adventurous ones keep banging into the walls anyway"

"Great!"

Lily was too absorbed in her musings to notice the speed with which they bounded up the stairs, across the corridors, looped around a pillar and finally screeched to a halt in front of the Fat Lady.

"Password?" she asked self importantly.

"Lycan" Lily responded monotonously.

"What!" James exploded, his breathing heavy.

"It's the password" Lily said, raising a brow, ushering the first-years through the portrait-hole.

James blushed "Of course—I must've-uh…dozed off in the prefects meeting"

Lily shrugged, "Are you coming?"

"No—Not now, no"

At this, Lily looked surprised "Abusing your powers as Head Boy already, James? We've barely begun the year"

"No!"

Lily chuckled, tugging the painting closed.

James exhaled loudly, rubbing his temples soothingly.

_Now to find Moony_, he thought.

OoO

"Lycan!" Lily shot up from her covers like a copper-topped bullet.

"Gods, Evans, and cant you ever keep quiet?" Dorcas snapped from some beds away, "I was trying to—"

"SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!"

"Oh, Marlene, I'm sorry I didn't know—"

The cucumber slices resting on Marlene's tired eyes popped out with a menacing simultaneous precision.

"NEXT TIME YOU TWO DECIDE TO HAVE A LITTLE—"

She searched for the right word, "—CHAT" she screamed triumphantly "KEEP IT _OUT_ OF MY SODDING DORMITORY!"

"But Marly—"

"GOOD NIGHT!"

Lily whipped her covers from her body distractedly, placing her feet into her frog-shaped slippers with blind heed.

"See?" Dorcas hissed "It's your bloody fault—"

"Shut up Dorcas"

"What? How dare you—"

Lily slipped her robe over her shoulders and walked out of the dormitory, battling against the dangerous theory her mind had conjured.

_They wouldn't—_

**They would.**

_But it's so dangerous—_

**It's them, why wouldn't they do it?**

Lily raced up the stairs to the boy's dormitory two at a time, finally reaching the one pronouncing cockily 'SEVENTH YEAR—Marauder Suite', she pushed it open.

She let out a relieved sigh, hearing them all snoring, even Remus (whose snore was something like a squeak) was tossing merrily in hic covers, the eerie moonlight spreading over him.

"What are you doing here?" exclaimed James in a scandalous tone , "Get out! Pervert!"

Sirius screeched in a tone correspondent to that of a five year old girl and pulled his sheet up to his chin.

Peter persevered his snoring.

"I said GET OUT!"

Lily slammed the door closed, offended, couldn't they see she was just worried? But then, she thought, why would they? She'd just barged in on them sleeping!

She had half a mind to enter again and apologize when she heard a somewhat dodgy conversation.

"What are you doing here?" called James's voice through the door, "Get out! Pervert!"

"EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk!" There was Sirius's scream, and Peter's persistent snoring.

"I said G-G-gg-get-ggget-geeeet o-oO-Oout!"

Lily's left eye twitched, she turned around and swung open the door to the boy's dormitory.

She walked determinedly to 'Sirius' who was frozen with the look of comic horror he'd had just two minutes ago when she'd slammed the door open.

She poked him, the image blurred and fizzled. Lily poked him again, forcefully, if only to serve her frustration, Sirius rewinded (for lack of a better word) and begun again with his characteristic yell.

An illusion charm! And a rather poorly performed one as well!

Lily was seething, in her rage; she stomped over to every bed and poked until they all fizzled out in a puff of bright pinkish-purple smoke.

She glanced out the window and gasped. There they were!

She mentally crossed off the tallies; a shaggy dog ran across the grounds, his giant head howling merrily up to the moon, Padfoot.

Prongs wasn't far behind, his majestic antlers held highly as he pranced to the lake, where he bowed and took a drink of water.

Lily heard a howl and with a hand on her mouth she witnessed what she knew to be a werewolf but looked to be nothing more than an abnormally sized dog.

Yet, where was Wormtail? Moreover, what was he?

Then, finally, she spotted the connection. A rat. Of course.

OoO

James doubled over with laughter as he hurried through the portrait hole,

"Pads? You aright? Sure you're not going to piss on any furniture?"

"Oh, shut up, will you James?"

He cackled as Peter snickered in a squeaky tone.

"No"

"Look, I thought I was still Padfoot, aright? I didn't realize I'd already transfigured back!"

This just made James laugh harder "You—Piss—on—Statue—Hahahahah—in—Human—form!"

Sirius rolled his eyes "It's not like it diminished her appearance!" he exclaimed as they bounced up the stairs, surprisingly awake and alert "It was the One-Eyed Witch, for Merlin's sake! It probably heightened her appeal to canines!"

James and Peter howled with hilarity, swinging their arms over each other's shoulders like drunk-pub-buddies.

Sirius swung open the door to their dormitory.

Lily was sitting on the floor, atop a stinking pile of unwashed socks already gracing the stone.

Shutting the door behind them with a flick of her wand, she said "You are really quite loud"

**AN: **

**How's that for a cliffy? Huh? I know I haven't gotten to all the gushy lovey-dovey-kiss-your-buddy type of writing but, I didn't want it all to end so quickly! That's a good enough excuse, isn't it? **

**(P.S. Hey Linda! I haven't talked to you for a while so…here I am…saying hi…Nevermind)**


	14. A Dangerous Escapade

**A Dangerous Escapade **

**AN: I know you believe I've died, yet I haven't for, here I am. **

Like a set of tracks, Lily's mind had one goal that simply could not be wavered. James. It was pathetic, she realized, but since the prospect of the pursuit was so enjoyable, she couldn't fight against it.

Perhaps it wasn't only his sizeable gluteus that kept her hypnotized, deep within she knew that her obsession was more than just that, it was love. Moreover, now that she'd found her engraved feelings she was more apt to find the similarities between them.

She'd made list,

Why We're Meant To Be :

1- James is stubborn.

(I'm stubborn!)

2-He's a man.

(I'm a woman!!)

3-He's a Quidditch player.

(I like his muscles!)

4-He has silky hair.

(I have hair!)

5-James makes jokes.

(I have no sense of humor!)

6-HE CAN LICK HIS ELBOW!!!

(I can lick his elbow!)

7-……uh…

Well, she hadn't gotten very far but, what did it matter when she had all the proof she needed right front of her?

If she could successfully out him and his mates, they could sustain a relationship. If she couldn't well, there's always suicide.

She quietly smiled to herself as the Marauders dodged about, searching for the source of the noise.

Finally, Sirius pointed in her general direction.

"What the!?"

"Prongs, is that a _girl_??" Peter squealed, dodging behind the taller boy to hide his purely pink pajamas "What's a _girl_ doing in our dormitories?" he continued.

Sirius raised both brows in answer, "Oh, shut up, Padfoot" James snapped.

"Me?" he batted his eyelashes, "But I've said nothing!"

Lily rose from the floor as the boys bickered amongst themselves and dusted off her cotton bottoms with deliberate efficient ness.

"Is that you, Lily?"

She coughed, "Yes" she said coolly "Where's Remus?"

Suddenly they were all very silent, "Why do you ask?" James said in an estranged tone, "Not waiting for dear old Moony, are you?"

"No," Lily said, examining the tips of her nails as if uninterested "At least, not while there's a full moon"

"Shite!" Sirius cursed "Bugger, Fuck, Sodding rat's arse!"

"Oi!" Peter piped, offended.

"Language" Lily chided mildly, a slow somewhat feline smile crawling up on her face as she looked up at James.

"Prongs…" she said, placing a long finger at the edge of her mouth "It's certainly open to interpretation, isn't it?"

James grinned, a mischievous glint kindling in his eyes, "I always thought so"

Perhaps it was the jet-spark that ignited between them, or the fact that Sirius set aflame a pair of Filibuster Fireworks as a distraction, but the couple was on fire.

As they gazed into one-another's eyes a rather pungent burning odor reached James's nostrils.

"Oooh, Merlin that is _foul_—"

"Duck!!" Yelled Sirius.

"What—"

Suddenly , the beautiful moment was over and Lily found herself flying out the Dormitory's window, backside attached to a flaming, would you believe it, firework.

"What did you _DO_ Sirius??" James flung half his body out the window, watching Lily disappear behind a tower with her attractive tail alight.

"It's in the code!" Sirius exclaimed, clearly offended " 'Should ever the premises be trespassed, there are a pair of Filebusters' under Peter's stash of dirty bloomers' Article Three, subsection five dash fifty-seven "

"You _know _about those? I—"

"IT DOESN'T SAY TO SET SOMEONE'S ARSE ON FIRE!!"

"There's no specifics in Maraudering codes, Prongs!"

Lily was screeching past the girl's tower, successfully waking up most of the Gryffindor House, she was just about to fling past their window again when—

"What is the meaning of this _chatter_?" McGonagall was not a pretty sight at two in the morning, mush less in her faded tartan robe coming short up to her ankles , leaving some rather bony and milky skin exposed above a pair of hideous tartan slippers who'd appeared to have seen a millennia come and gone.

"Proffesor—"

Suddenly a seemingly red-headed comet flew in rapidly through the open window, then proceeded to make round about the ceiling at incredible speeds.

"LETMEOFFLETMEOFFLETMEOFF—"

"Miss Evans—"

"Jump, Lily!!"

"HELP ME JAMES, MY ARSE IS ON FIRE!!"

Thump. Bump. Crash. Boom. Cackle. Trickle, trickle.

"Mister Potter, would you please get off me? I have a tendency to get anxiety attacks when in such close proximity with the opposite sex"

James cringed, "Yes, Professor"

The firework was resisting capture as Sirius attempted to extinguish it, but Lily was no longer atop it. In fact, she looked to be knocked out against the opposite wall, having crashed against it as she tried to fling off the offending fiery phallic-like object.

Her head was bleeding, which was all James saw before passing out completely.

"Oh, Merlin" McGonagall hissed, slapping a palm against her forehead "The boy's a bleeding pansy"

"No mam," Sirius explained, firework under his arm "He's got a severe case of hemophobia"

McGonagall rolled her eyes and pulled her wand form a pocket in her robe, flicking it so that both unconscious teenagers were floating down the staircases, "I'll speak to you in the morn, Mister Black. Please be so gracious as to clean Mister Pettigrew before he grows fetid"

She closed the door behind her, hearing Sirius's exclamations of disgust at having found Peter unconscious and soaked in piss.

OoO

—probably shagging like rabbits"

"Well, Poppy, we've always known that our pubescent students have a rather strong sense for procreation"

James could feel the roughness of the linen under his fingertips, and though his vision was foggy, he knew them to be stark white. He could most certainly hear the Nazi-like bark of Madam Pomfrey, which could mean but one thing, he was in the Hospital Wing.

"We can only speculate why Miss Evans was in their dormitory Poppy, but the extent of her injuries tells me she was not expected—"

"Not expected my great-aunt Hildegard!" exclaimed Madam Pomfrey "That tart likes it rough is all!"

They were at the foot of his bed, paying no mind to his wriggling and cringing, much less at the elevated tone of their voices.

"Miss Evans is a model student, I will not suspect anything of her until she can speak for herself"

"Noble sentiments, Minerva" Poppy said "although sadly mistaken. Once that miniature harlot's woken I'll give her such a talking-to she'll never think to shag again until she's safely buried in her nuptial bed"

"Let it go, Poppy" Minerva counseled, "If there's anyone to blame, it's Mister Potter"

"That handsome lad? Why would he—"

"Hello?" croaked a voice behind the screen beside his bed.

"Miss Evans! Awake so soon!" he heard McGonagall exclaim as she rushed from his bedside.

"It feels as if my backside's been burned off" Lily hissed in pain.

"'Bet you like it though, don't you, you little tart" muttered Madam Pomfrey before also disappearing behind the screen.

"It has" Minerva said "Most of your gluteus is festering as we speak m'dear"

Lily whimpered.

"Not to fret though, Poppy will have you up and about in a week or two. In the meanwhile, Mister Potter can bring your assignments"

"Lovely" Lily muttered.

James quietly tiptoed off his bed, finally reaching the screen and tugging it aside a bit to peek through.

Madam Pomfrey was fussing about at the feet of Lily's bed as McGonagall whispered instructions in her ear.

Lily's head was turned to face the wall opposite his, also screened, her naked torso was facing the ceiling, and she shivered as if cold.

"Just keep applying that potion on your cheeks girl, and you'll be fester-free in no time"

Lily flipped her head over, making eye contact.

At first, she was merely surprised, then embarrassed and finally, very, very angry. Her eyes narrowed to slits and she poked her tongue out at him, giving him a look that seethed and said 'I'll deal with you later'.

"Must I have my arse for all the world to see, Madam Pomfrey?" she complained instead.

"Language!" the woman hissed "And yes, you must! Now cease writhing, girl!"

"But I'm cold" Lily whined.

"And I'm old, but we all have things we can't deal with, don't we? Now, cease!"

Lily grumbled and blushed furiously as James watched avidly while Madam Pomfrey roughly rubbed a hissing purple goop on Lily's irritated cheeks.

OoO

James had had a very odd day. Ignoring the fact that it was his turn to bring Peter his daily dosage of Fatty Patties (a relatively gruesome meat product made of goat skin and Grindylow toe nail clippings that Peter fancied rather fervently) in the Hospital Wing, he ducked behind a suit of armor.

" 'ello m'boy! Long time no see!"

James let loose a feminine screech as he tumbled forward.

"EEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!"

"Don't you remember me?" The suit exclaimed as if hurt "We spent a good deal of days hiding together!"

From the floor, James had the chance to properly get a look at the armor decorating the lonesome hallway.

"Sir Tinseltoff?"

"Yes boy, yes! Of course it's me"

James held a hand to his heart, which was beating over excitedly "You gave me a good scare, Sir! I thought you were still plaguing the third-floor halls!" he chuckled nervously.

"No, no" he said somewhat sadly "Me and the missus have had a rocky century there. I don't think we'll stand being in the same universe for much longer"

"That's nice" James said distractedly, glancing over his shoulder with a remote fearful expression.

"Are you alright boy?"

"Yes, yes" he replied quickly, dusting his bottom pockets "I've just had this mad sensation that someone's following me"

The old suit chuckled metallically, jovially clutching his rusting iron belly.

"I remember those days" he said reminiscently, "Long before my body was incinerated inside this cursed suit, I mean. I was quite the attractive fellow; followed constantly in my day. Of course, it could also be the scourge of the guilty, have you done something _naughty_ boy—"

"Right" James nodded absentmindedly, "I'll be seeing you, then"

"Too right, m'boy!" Sir Tinseltoff waved "Oi, is that a Head Boy badge?"

James quickened his step, practically jogging round the corner before collapsing against the wall.

As he slid down, he searched his deep robe pockets with a careless urgency. His hand closed around a minute metal object and he sighed.

James looked around the corner and down the hallway before pulling the key completely out of his pocket. It was certainly a remarkably shaped key. In fact, for several moments after he'd snatched it from the Madam Pomfrey's protruding back pocket, he wondered if it was a key at all.

Yet it _was_ the key to the Hospital Wing, carved in the likeness of the late Mister Pomfrey's erected penis.

James cringed and placed the key back into his pocket. Flushing his hands against the wall behind him, he slowly crawled up until he was standing. He ran both hands through his hair to calm himself, and then carefully placed them in his pockets.

He was going to sneak her out of the Hospital Wing, and it was all the fault of a strategic statement.

OoO

It had all started that morning, in Transfiguration, while he watched the hairpins in McGonagall's bun bounce out of it merrily as they transfigure into grotesque mice; a sad result of a badly performed spell.

James had sighed morosely and returned his gaze to his table. There, folded clumsily was a pink note. He glanced around the room, noting that all eyes were watching McGonagall's string of cussing and screeching with an almost mocking rapture.

He unfolded the note,

_If you ask her_

_She'll comply_

Again his gaze snapped up and he looked around the room, this time with a confused expression.

He shrugged, and aimed the note towards the trash.

Soon, he forgot about the note, and as he made his way to Lunch, all that occupied his mind was his empty stomach and Lily.

"Mate, seriously." Remus said with a hard expression "Get over it; she's in the Hospital Wing. Just mere feet away from you, it's nothing tragic"

"Yea, Prongs. Don't go soft on us" Sirius bit into a turkey leg hungrily , waving it about as he would a staff "All we hear is, 'Lily, Lily, Lily'. What about our needs, eh? Whatever happened to the pranking Marauders?"

James narrowed his eyes.

Sirius sighed "I get it, alright? I know you're not talking to me" he munched on the turkey leg angrily " 's turned into a bloody pansy"

James glanced down the table, expecting the hunger in his stomach to overwhelm by the sight of the eloquent feast. However, something else caught his eye. There, in his plate where empty space had been abundant before, was a clumsily folded pink note.

Feeling the odd prickling of déjà vu, James sat down and addressed both Sirius and Remus.

"Oi, did either of you see anyone just now? Did you see anyone put anything in my plate?"

"No—" Remus began, looking puzzled.

"Oh, if it isn't Mister hoity-toity 'I-won't-speak-to-my-best-mate-'cause-he-lit-my-girlfriend-on-fire'."

"I'm serious Padfoot—"

"So am I! Or, is it impossible that I can be serious now because I'm not good enough for you?"

"What? No—"

Remus snickered.

"I won't stand for it!" he banged his turkey leg on the table , stood and rushed out of the hall, leaving James to gape with an incredulous expression.

"Why's he such a _girl_?"

Remus laughed, slapping his hand on the table.

James rolled his eyes and made a grab for the note and tore it open,

_Ask much faster,_

_Or you'll fry_

Finally, an idea popped into his head, and he glanced across the Gryffindor table to where Emmeline sat with the colorful Mister Bones. She looked up from her meal with a smirk.

At once, he knew she was the culprit. Angrily, he mouthed 'That's a pathetic rhyming scheme', but she didn't seem to understand. However, when she mouthed back, 'Ask her, ask her', a plan blossomed forth from his inner lobes, one that involved a certain key.

OoO

From beneath the invisibility cloak, the process of placing the Hospital Wing's key in its lock looked rather like odd metallic intercourse. He would have found this very amusing, had he not had a flaming urge to look heroic.

James pushed the glass door open carefully, first assuring that it would stay open for a quick getaway before tiptoeing inside.

Bark-like snores filled the hall, making strange echoes as they bounced from the walls. As he stepped closer to Madam Pomfrey's office, James felt the floor begin to vibrate with the force of her nasal congestion.

Quickly, so as not to wake her, he opened the door and flung the key inside so that it slid across the carpeted floor. This way, he figured, she'd believe it'd fallen from her pocket or something of the like. He closed the door with a sigh.

James's expression lightened and he made his way to the bed surrounded by screens.

He slid between a pair of them with a triumphant smile before being clobbered over the head with a bottle of goopy purple potion.

"Ow!!"

"Madam Pomfrey! Madam Pomfrey!!"

"Lily! It's me! Shut up , for the love of Merlin, shut up!!"

"James?" she lowered her offending weapon with an apologetic look.

Together they listened for the characteristic snore, and sighed with relief.

"Sorry" Lily whispered "I thought you were a rapist"

James tittered nervously "That's nice"

Lily rolled her eyes, placing her medication on her bedside table .

"Why are you here?" she asked "It's a tad bit late for visits."

"Well…" he wrung his hands nervously "I just thought…."

"Yea?" she asked as she dug into a bag of Bertie Bott's.

"I was going to get you out of here"

"Is that where you plan ends?"

"Well, no. But it was a surprise. I suppose I'd imagine it having a better start"

"Like what? You carrying me out of here unconscious?"

James blushed "Well if you put it like _that_…."

Lily giggled awkwardly, "But where were you going to take me?" she asked "Now that I'm conscious I imagine the location varies a bit…"

James muttered incoherently.

"Sorry, didn't catch that"

"Hogsmeade"

"Really?" Lily breathed "A…date?" she asked tentatively.

"Yea…"

Suddenly a merry laughter bubbled from the pit of Lily's stomach "You were going to take me on a date, _unconscious_?"

James shrugged "Again, if you put it like _that_…." He tittered "I guess it does sound a bit mad…"

"Well," Lily said coyly, reaching for the jumper on her bed "Not _too_ mad, to tell you the truth."

**AN: My wit is pulverized, crushed to smithereens by the weight of education. **

**Oi, I guess it's not! HUZZAH!!VICTORY!!**

**Just a small success in a sea of disappointments.**

**I DID IT AGAIN!**

**You know what would be absolutely bonkers? If I was able to chuck out another chapter! **

**You know what would fuel such a miracle? **

**Yes, Reviews.**


	15. Dating for Dummies

**Dating for Dummies**

**AN: Well, this was most definitely sooner than expected. I hope it'll please.**

"It's awfully dark in here…" a smooth voice said coyly.

"Yes it is…"

The rich voice chuckled heartily, "A great time for careless games…"

"Too right you are…"

"Won't you—"

"No"

"They wouldn't catch us…"

"I know"

"But, can't we savor the taste…"

"_No_"

"But, _Re_-mus!" Sirius whined, "Look at all the chocolate!!"

"This is not a time to weaken, Padfoot!" Remus barked quietly, pushing open the trapdoor in Honeydukes "We've been here dozens of times and never stolen anything. Where's your sense of honor?"

"But we've never been in here so late!" Sirius exclaimed "I could just—"

"We came here as _support_, not trouble"

"Oh bloody hell, Moony. You've enough honor to shame the entire worldly population of mischief makers"

"That's what I'm hoping for" Remus whispered, "Now, what else did Prongs say to do?"

"Wait, I've got the list…" he searched his pockets and pulled from them a thin piece of parchment "here it is"

"Open Puddifoot's, check" Sirius cringed "brave man…" he whispered.

"Set a table, check" Remus read.

"Bring decent nosh, check"

"Make sure Madam Puddifoot _stays_ asleep,"

Sirius chuckled, remembering how the plan to pour sleeping draft down the pudgy woman's throat had backfired quite comically.

Remus narrowed his eyes.

"Check" he said through clenched teeth.

"Open Honeydukes's trapdoor…check" Sirius carefully crossed out the last item with a neighboring sugar quill.

"That's it, I suppose" he said.

Remus nodded, leaning close to the trapdoor entrance with a look of deep concentration.

"They're coming!" he clapped his hands, "Quickly, now!" he whispered excitedly, motioning Sirius up the stairs.

Once they'd dashed out of Honeydukes, they slapped palms and performed a series of complicated, unbecoming gestures that was the Marauder's secret handshake.

"We'll take the passage from the mirror on the fourth floor" Sirius proclaimed examining the map.

"But that means we'll have to go in—"

"Zonko's, exactly" his smile spread to a decidedly canine expression, "I need to stock up on Filibusters"

OoO

Lily sighed happily, rubbing with her thumb the top of James's large, sweaty palm, "You know," she said "I never though my first date would be at such an ungodly hour"

James yelped and dropped his wand, which had previously been the only thing lightly the narrow passageway. He quickly let go of Lily's hand and dropped to his knees, tapping the ground fervently for his wand.

"F-f-irst date?" he spluttered from the ground.

Lily chuckled, pulling from her pocket her thin wand "_Lumos_" she said with a smile.

Once he'd found his wand and illuminated its tip, Lily said "I _think_ so…"

James timidly placed her hand in his "You think?"

"Well, unless you count that time I dragged you into the Three Broomsticks to tell you I fancied you..."

James blushed and lowered his head in shame "I'm _so_ sorry—"

"No harm done" she said nonchalantly "Or that time Emmeline tricked me into following you into Hogsmeade…"

James smiled "Yea…"

"Well, James. It seems we've a long history of dates"

"All ending disastrously" he said with a sigh.

"Not really, that time we went to see the Quidditch match—"

"My hair was aflame, don't you remember?"

"Oh, well…then I guess you're right, we _do_ have disastrous dates"

James chuckled and rose her hand to his lips "This one won't be, I promise"

Then and there, Lily was sure her stomach had turned into a steaming blob.

OoO

Both of them cringed at the sight that lay before them, pink and frilly Madam Puddifoot's.

"James are you sure?—"

"Yes" he said with determination , "I promised."

"But you really don't have—"

"Yes I do, Lily." He kissed her palm and marched in front of her, pulling open the heart-shaped door harboring the entire spectrum of fuchsia.

"Well, if you insist." Lily said eying the rotund blond babies armed with golden bows snickering like pests on the ceiling.

When they neared a table, James pulled out a chair for her.

Lily smiled and sat, _Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeak_.

James's eyes widened.

Lily blushed furiously, "Oh, no, no James, I _swear_ that wasn't me"

James shrugged, but Lily watched his ears turn a vivid rosy color to match her growing embarrassment.

James sat, _Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak_.

Lily bolted "It's those blasted rose-shaped cushions!" she exclaimed.

James placed a palm on his face to hide his shame. With caution, he reached under his bum and tugged at the minute cushion. Once it was in his hand, he poked it with a vicious ferocity, "I love you, I love you!" it squeaked.

James pulled forth his wand and incinerated it, doing Lily the courtesy of setting aflame the one gracing her chair.

"Sit" he begged "I'm sorry"

Lily eyed her surrounding before saying "No harm done"

James smiled thankfully and reached under the table, from it, he produced a two full dinner courses.

"Oh, James!" Lily exclaimed "How thoughtful"

"You think so?" he asked shyly.

Lily reached across the table and caressed his hand "Yes" she breathed.

He beamed, pulling the cover from them to reveal their dinner.

"Uh…James?" Lily asked, "What exactly is that?"

"I'm going to make a wild guess and say…Quail" he said cautiously

"It looks like fried Pigeon"

James placed his head in his palms "I know."

"Why'd they leave the head on it like that?" she whispered, picking up her fork and poking the poultry thoroughly "It's as if it's looking at us"

"I don't know Lily, I just don't know."

Seeing his despair, Lily quickly corrected her mistake "Do you suppose its dead then?"

James, on the verge of tears, replied "It's not breathing"

"Then we'll eat it!"

"Really?"

Lily gave a curt nod, "I've eaten things that looked worse" she said "my cooking, for example"

James laughed "Well then. Onward, I say!"

She inserted her fork in her dinner and tasted it.

"Oi, this isn't that bad…" she said through a mouthful.

James nodded "If you just ignore the dodgy color, you can almost pretend its turkey!"

"Yea! I know just what you—"

Suddenly, an indigenous wail filled the room, followed by a sharp and thin arrow that pierced straight through Lily's bitten pigeon.

"WHAT IS IT??" she cried.

"I THINK IT'S COMING FROM THE CEILING!!!"

And surely enough, the rotund blond babies where dodging about on the ceiling, yelling cries of war and trespass, using their golden bows and arrows to aim at them and their defenseless dinner.

"GET UNDER THE TABLE, LILY!!!" James cried, lifting the cloth.

"QUICKLY—ARG!!!"

"JAMES!!" Lily jumped under the table and pulled him to safety.

"Are you aright?" Lily whispered, softly lacing her finger in his hair "James, what's wrong?"

He muttered something incoherent, his eyes closed.

"What?" she whispered softly.

"Flip me over" he bit out.

Finally, when she did so, Lily found a small and golden arrow protruding from James's left arse-cheek.

"Oh, Merlin" she muttered darkly "Those bloody cupids—"

"Can you take it out?" James pleaded "I think it's turning my bum pink"

"What? Why?" Lily asked as she surrounded the hated object with her hands.

"I dunno!" he exclaimed "I was just speculating, you slow girl!"

Lily huffed and pulled the arrow out roughly "There!" she said "Now you don't _have_ to speculate!"

She pulled aside the table cloth and stepped out from under the table.

"IMOBULUS!!" she screeched at the top of her lungs. And so, as suddenly as the ruckus began, it ended.

James crawled out from under the table.

"Very clever"

Lily looked at him and raised a brow "So I'm told" she replied coldly "Take me back, this date's been a complete disaster"

James winced at her tone "Lily, I'm sorry about what I said—"

"I know, you were in pain"

He sighed with relief.

"But I still want to go back"

"What?" He asked, confused, "But, why?"

"This _has_ been a disaster," she said reasonably "And anyway, it's almost dawn, all the security spells are returning and we'll get caught"

James nodded disappointedly and reached for her hand, which she let him hold without much protest.

"Just one more place" he said softly.

Lily looked up at him, the towering figure he was, scrutinizing his disheveled appearance.

Despite the grime, blood trickling from his left cheek, and appalling state of dress, he still managed a dashing air about him, she mused.

With a kiss on the cheek, she agreed.

OoO

The morning dew was tickling her bare feet, and albeit the chill of the pasture, it made her body heat.

"It's beautiful" she murmured.

"I think these Muggles call it 'Godric's Hollow'" he whispered in her ear, "Me and the Marauders found it last summer while trying to apparate to the next village"

Lily snuggled into his surrounding arms with a merry smile "Thank you, this is very nice"

"I'm glad you like it"

Together they wistfully observed the rolling hills of deep green and off in the distance, a vast field of lavender, which would faintly thrill their nostrils whenever the wind blew.

"Let's go"

Lily sighed and grabbed his forearm, apparating back to Hogsmeade.

OoO

James was attacked at the top of the stairs. So swift was it that, he never saw it coming.

Lily pressed her lips against James's desperately, forcefully pushing him back. She was standing on the tips of her toes yet, James found himself unable to disconnect her.

They broke apart for a breath of air, "Lily what—"

Again she pounced, this time, slightly opening her mouth, letting her slippery tongue slither its way out of her cavernous kiss and into his. James moaned, while Lily murmured and became a recipient (finally) of his response.

Neither saw the looming doom of the ever-closing stairwell.

James's foot slipped backwards and—

"WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!"

Like galloping basketballs, they sounded; bouncing against every single step until they landed on the foot of the stairs in a heap of tangled limbs.

"ow….." Lily moaned.

"My foot…"

"My leg…."

"My appendage…"

"What?"

"You're kneeing my appendage"

"Oh" Lily moved her leg quickly, "Sorry"

"Lily" James breathed.

"Yes, James?"

"I would really appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody I scream like that"

"Like what, a girl?" she snickered, "Like a little pansy boy?"

"Yes" he said through clenched teeth.

Lily laughed, but rapidly ceased as the sound of footfalls became decidedly prominent.

"James, what do we—"

But before she could finish her question, or at least untangle herself from that compromising position, she found the face of Amos Diggory, surprised and clearly scandalized.

"So _this_ is why you wont date me?" he exclaimed "You've been shagging Potter?"

Lily shook her head, "Now Amos, there's no need for—"

"Here I am, patrolling because there's been an explosion and I find you in the HEAPING SWEATY EMBRACE OF YOUR SECRET LOVER!!" he screeched.

"What? No—"

"I HATE YOU LILY!!!" he yelled, flinging his arms about like a manic dancing bird, "YOU ARE NO SWEET FLOWER!!" he continued.

Lily attempted to put her head in her palms.

"NOW THAT YOU'VE LOST YOUR CHERRY!!"

Lily gasped, and Amos ran, sobbing at regular intervals then repeatedly flinging his golden hair back to enhance the view of his tears.

James snickered "Well, he won't be bothering us any more"

Lily shrugged her shoulder, stretching out her hand so James could help her up.

"That's true" she said, "Thank Merlin everyone's still sleeping"

James grunted, "Yea, can you imagine…?"

They shook their heads simultaneously "That'd be awful" Lily said, slipping her hand into his.

James beamed.

Curiously, just slightly down the hall, they found the doors of the Great Hall open, a bright light emitting from them, despite the fact that it was just barely morning.

Finally, when they rounded the huge door, they found a thousand pair of eyes, plus the staff, widened in their direction.

Cricket, cricket.

"Oh…_shite_"

OoO

Two Ravenclaw prefects stood outside the fourth floor mirror, conversing quietly.

"So what was the explosion about?"

"Dunno, Fred. Some stupid little blighter caved himself in while trying to trespass into the school"

"What a nobhead"

"OI!"

Both looked up at the faint sound of protest, "Did you hear that?" the one called Fred asked.

"Yea" the other replied, knocking on the mirror "It sound as if it was coming from inside the mirror."

"We should go tell a Professor" Fred said.

"Pansy" the other accused.

"OI!!!" came the sound again.

"Let's go!"

Both prefects flew down the hall with a speed a Cleansweep would've been wary of.

Then, from inside the mirror, or, more correctly, behind it, Sirius cried,

"Oh, please don't leave, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!"

"Oh, stop your whining Padfoot!" Remus snapped "It's your fault we're caved in!"

"I KNOW!!" Sirius wailed.

"Then, _SHUT UP_!"

Sirius sniffled "I reckon I shouldn't've let loose that Filibuster"

"You think?" Remus said bitterly, repeatedly banging his head against the stone wall.

"I just couldn't help myself—"

"_Please_, I'm begging you Padfoot, shut _up_ before I murder you and use your intestines as a blanket"

"Will you eat me?"

"Yes"

"But that's cannibalism"

"Yes" Remus bit out.

A few minutes of silence were followed by,

"Remus…"

"_What_?"

"I don't want to die a virgin"

Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Too bad. I _do_."

**AN: Ahh, nothing like a good snog to brighten a mood, wouldn't you say? **

**Or, as pathetic as it sounds, a good review would suffice just as well. **

**Think about it. **


	16. A Potter Holiday

**A Potter Holiday**

**AN: This is a tad bit late, innit? Sorry. **

A heavy heaving filled the small compartment. It was more of a panting, really. Pant, pant, pant. The sound of the air being sucked quickly into the lungs and exchanged for carbon dioxide as it was rapidly expelled was almost dizzying. Gasp, gasp.

"Lily…" James groaned, _pant, pant, pant_.

"…do you want a bag?" he finished, rubbing her back sympathetically.

Lily emerged from between her legs and strained a "Nooo…." She returned to the spot between her knees.

"It's only my parents…" James said lamely "Ordinary wizards, really….normal, common, out-of-the-ordinary aurors"

"_Aurors!_" Lily squeaked, her breath enhancing to a speed nearing three hundred kilometers.

"You never mentioned _that!_"

James sighed, vigorously resuming his back-rubbing.

Morosely, he looked out the window, watching the famed scarlet engine of the Hogwarts Express heave a giant puff of smoke as they turned on a curve. It was snowing, a great flurry of intimidating icicles bombarding the glass of the window. Few students were going home this Christmas, what with all the whispers of Muggleborn attacks and the worrying rumors regarding the large support of the renegade wizard, Lord Voldemort, few Hogwarts inhabitants needed extra incentive to stay in the safety of the stone walls.

Yet, there they were. James mused, smiling faintly.

"What are you smirking at, James Potter?" Lily demanded wryly, "My pain?"

"No—"

"Does it amuse you that I'm a hyperventilating _wreak _when it comes to meeting your parents?"

"N-n-no-o" he stuttered.

"Oh, well then." She smirked.

James shook his head, running a hand through his locks.

"You never cease to surprise me, Lily" he said huskily.

"Good" she replied, pecking him lightly on the lips, "You hungry?"

"Starved," he nodded "Did you remember to—"

"No, I forgot. What with all the packing business and Sirius describing my looming death in detail, it sort of slipped my mind"

"_Bugger—_"

"But Remus (the dear) remembered to pack some nosh 'n case we got peckish, bless his heart"

James grumbled, "What did Sirius say?"

"Oh, nonsense, really. I can see that now"

"What did he _say,_ Lily?"

She sighed, lifting her eyes from the pair of shepherd pies with an apologetic look, "He said your parents were very…active, in a sense"

"In a sense?" He ground out.

"Oh, sod it!" she exclaimed "He said your parents were raunchy buggers often willing to bring in outer parties into their games to sedate their sexual depravity"

James nursed his temples, "That's why you were such a heaping mass of nerves?" he asked incredulously.

"Yea…rather stupid of me, innit? I should've known Sirius would try to arse around with me"

"Look, why don't I just tell you about my family?"

Lily smiled, handing him a heated pie, keeping another for herself and snuggling into his side.

"Well, first's my mum, I suppose. Well, she's my mum, and she cooks for me and stuff…"

Lily rolled her eyes.

"Occasionally, she'll bake me some random pudding, something totally _bonkers_ like, I dunno, Fruit Flan or something of the like…"

Lily chuckled "And sometimes she'll just go on and on for hours about my bloody room and how it's never clean and how I'm just like my father—who, by the way, is a complete _slob_—and she'll get me so bloody angry I'll want to rip her sodding—"

Lily laughed, nuzzling into his side "What about your dad?"

"Well, Dad's odd."

"How so?"

"I dunno, just odd." He shrugged "always working, you know. You can usually find him shut up in his study, scribbling away like some nutter"

"You miss him is all" Lily said dismissively.

He shrugged again, "Well, he taught me how to play Quidditch so, at least there's something to be grateful to him for"

"Anyone else?"

"Well, you'll be meeting Aunt Sarah, who insists upon me calling her 'Tatty Sarah', now _there's_ a nutter" he snorted "I think the last time I saw her was two years ago, when Uncle Todd, the flaming queen, broke and heel in Knockturn Alley and met Samuel, the prick instiller, and got married. She wore black, says she was in mourning."

"That's horrible!" Lily exclaimed "Couldn't she just be happy for them? I mean, it might be an untraditional couple but, they still loved each other!" she finished passionately.

James chuckled "For the _heel_, Lily. She was mourning her nicest pair of shoes destroyed in the meeting"

Lily blinked , "Oh, my"

"Yup, she's a nutter , she is"

"_Yea_…"

As James's voice lulled on, she fell deep into her musings, occasionally grunting and accenting that yes, it was true, Uncle Adolph was a bit of a dictator himself. Where this vacation was going, she wondered. Lily was about to meet his parents. In fact, James had called a giant Potter Reunion to meet her. Where would this all lead?

One word.

Shagging.

Oh, boy. She couldn't wait.

OoO

"Is this she?" the tastefully dressed woman asked James incredulously.

Lily blushed furiously, looking to her shoes.

"Mum…" James began angrily.

"She's gorgeous, James!" Mrs. Potter exclaimed, her curly black locks bouncing happily "Oh, come and see Bernie! James's managed to snag a good looking one!" she motioned her husband over, who was wrestling to remove Lily's luggage from the train.

James blushed and muttered murderously while Lily smiled tenderly and stretched out her palm.

"Oh, we'll have none of that dear," the woman exclaimed, hugging her.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Potter"

"Addeline, please." She smiled "Or, if it tickles your fancy, call me Addy. Not many close friends left to call me that, I'm afraid." Again, almost giddily, she smiled.

"So, this is Lily?"

Bernard Potter was a sight to behold; he looked exactly like an older James except for the slight crick of his nose, where it seemed to have been broken several times, and his balding patch of excessively blond hair.

"Must be" his wife said, snaking an arm around his waist, "Isn't she lovely?"

"Quite" said Bernard in a deep voice, "How do you do?" he did shake her hand, which Lily was grateful for, due to her increasing nerves.

"You may call me Bernard"

James let a deep breath out through his nose, "Well, that's that, I suppose. Shall we go?" he tugged Lily's hand forward, only to have it snatched from him as his mother raced ahead with his girlfriend. Addeline led her forward, despite she was much shorter than Lily, barely making the five-foot mark, she succeeded in stuffing her in the backseat of a faded yellow mini.

"Oh, Lily! It'll be such a pleasure having another woman around the house! I've been so awfully lonely lately…Bernie working such incomprehensible hours while I guard the house…" she sighed "Oh, hell, at least we'll have this Christmas, won't we?"

Lily nodded vigorously, clasping her hands together to stop them from shaking "I completely agre—"

"Have you kissed my boy?"

"What?" Lily gasped "No—"

"Why not?" Addy demanded, "I think him very handsome, don't you?"

"Very!" Lily exclaimed in defense.

"Then why have you not—"

"I have!"

"Well then, you should've said so" the woman chuckled "Oh, this is monstrous fun, isn't it?"

"What is?" Lily asked, confused.

"All this _girly_ talk. I always enjoyed a good gossipy fuss. Do you?"

"On occasion—"

"Perfect!" Addeline clapped her hands as her husband took the wheel, James sitting beside him with an insufferable smirk.

"You can tell me all about Hogwarts!"

"Sure—"

"And you're past relationships!"

"Well—"

"And just how far is considered acceptable to go with a boy before marriage these days"

"Now wait just a bloomin' minute!" Lily blurt out, "You're making a mickey out of me!"

"Yes, dear" Addeline said, chuckling "That's the point"

James burst out laughing, banging the dashboard enthusiastically.

"Good'un mum!" James slapped palms with his mother "_I _almost believed you"

Mrs. Potter turned to Lily and smiled widely, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes, "Welcome to the family, Lily. You've just met my devious side"

"Yes, I believe I have"

They rounded a corner and drove out of London, the car apparently being driven by Mister Potter's enchanted wand.

"Dare I say, Addeline" Lily said softly.

"Yes?"

"I rather like your devious side much better than I did your psychotic one"

Silence reigned, awkward, and embarrassing, only interrupted by the not unpleasant shriek of Addy's laughter.

"We'll have fun, I'm sure of it!" she wrapped an arm around Lily's shoulders friendlily.

OoO

—_static_—bugger James, aright?"

"WHAT?" Lily bellowed into the receiver.

"I said—_static_—BUGGER JAMES!!"

"Emmy, please, be reasonable." Lily chuckled "We're in public"

She pulled the hood of her cloak tighter around her ears, cold despite the shelter of the phone booth.

"It's what you wanted to hear though, innit?" Emmeline droned reasonably from across the line.

"Well—"

_Static_

"I was rather hoping you'd convince me _not_ to do it" Lily tittered nervously "It's a special thing to give"

Emmeline munched on something (presumably carrots) "True" she said nonchalantly, "Yet, it makes for the perfect Christmas gift"

"Oh, bugger you, Emmeline!"

"I rather thought that was James's present? Not that I'm complaining"

Lily rolled her eyes and chuckled, "So, how're you surviving, Emmy?"

"Day by day, my pet" she said melancholically "'s been rather awkward up in Hogwarts, what with Remus staying for Christmas…"

"I didn't know that" Lily said sympathetically.

"You did" Em said, as if bored "No matter. Anyway, my tosser of a mum sent me this robe with a pathetic dodgy collar and these completely _naff _cuffs with little begonias sewed onto them. 'Had to come all the way to the Muggle village next to Hogsmeade to pick it up"

"Sounds _awful_" she took on a compassionate tone while kneading the life back into her mitten-covered hands.

"And it's horridly violet! Vision impairing, even." Emmeline took a gulp of air "_And, _would you believe what's worse?"

"No" Lily snorted.

"I think she wants me _shagged_"

"Bollocks!" Lily said unbelieveingly

"No, honestly!" Emmeline shifted about at the end of the line "here, listen. It's the letter she sent with it."

"_Dear Em-dear, _

_Sweetheart! Look what I've bought you. Isn't it darling? I personally thought the color would add to your _**shagability!!!"**

"Oh, bloody—"

"Truly. I mean, _really_. Was there really any need to bring that term into consideration?"

Lily wiped a foggy window facing the Leaky Cauldron and peaked through,

_Static_"—she goes on to say how she managed to salvage her social life by using it once or twice during the time I was up at school, but I wouldn't put you through that sort of rubbish- unless you asked , of course—"

"Em, I'm sorry, James is coming."

"Oh, already?" Emmeline exclaimed excitedly, "Will you leave the phone disconnected?"

"Why in the name of Agrippa's buggered knickers would I do that?"

"Why? So I could be a witness to the pair of you, of course!"

"You—despicable toerag—I can't believe—"

"Ta-ta!"

_Click_.

Lily hissed and slammed down the receiver, wrapping her scarf quickly about her face before stepping out of the booth.

"Well flip me over and fuck me backwards, James!—"

"I'd rather not—"

"—it's Miss Lily!"

"Hullo Sirius" Lily grumbled enviously, watching the scantily wrapped Marauder with narrowed eyes.

" 'ello luv" James kissed her cheek in greeting.

"Did buy whatever it was you wanted to buy?" she asked slyly.

"Yes—"

"No—"

"Shut _up_, Sirius!" James hissed, slapping upside the head.

"Right" Lily nodded, "Well then, I guess we'll be off? I want to make myself toasty"

"Oh, you hear that Prongs, Lily wants to get _toasty_. Why don't you get her all _toasty _and whatnot while I observe our purchase more thoroughly?"

"Sirius , please—"

"A butterbeer sounds like a life saver right about now, wouldn't you say?"

"I concur, Miss Evans!" Sirius plucked up like an arrogant cock "Follow meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"

The edge of his manky old trainer slipped on a spare bit of frozen fizzy drinks.

"Oh hell, Sirius, I wouldn't have pegged you for the arse over tits positions, but from this angle, it looks rather comfortable"

"Arsemonger" Sirius spat.

"Only for you, luv" Lily smiled brilliantly.

OoO

The house was amazing. There just wasn't another way to phrase it. Magical and visually pleasing, it was the most comfortable living space that Lily had ever had the pleasure of imagining shags in.

That gorgeous kitchen counter, or the mahogany table. She couldn't help but picture herself spread-eagled over the bear-skin rug in the parlor, or the marble sink. Merlin, she was such a tart. In the three days she'd been there Lily had blushed no less than four hundred times, so repeatedly that Mrs. Potter had taken to believing she had a rather shy and toasty disposition.

Lily chuckled to herself as she stepped into the shower, remembering the events of the morning.

"Come, come Lily. I'll show you the tea room" Addeline bustled ahead of her, carrying a large silver tray filled with breakfast treats.

Addy stopped in front of a pair of closed wooden doors. With visible effort, she attempted to balance the tray to one hand as she reached for the handle. Yet, she was completely unsuccessful and as her face turned redder and redder with the strain, she let loose a loud fart.

"Oh, my!" she exclaimed , finally kicking open the door as Lily withheld her laughter and tried to level her own tray.

They both passed through the doors fairly quickly, striving to avoid the noisome scent of the passive gas.

Both James and his father looked comically confused, which only fueled the laughter of both Lily and Addeline.

After setting down the trays , they enjoyed a rather amiably quiet breakfast, until of course, Lily noticed the tea-table.

It was a handsome piece of furniture, sturdy, rather cold-looking due to its glass top. More importantly, however, was the size of it. It was immense for a tea-table, about her width, actually. Really, if she had wanted to, she could've laid down on it. Strangely enough, as she examined the pattern circling it more closely, she made out a pair of goats engaging in a rather …compromising situation.

"What a lovely table" she commented before she could stop herself .

"Isn't it?" Addeline smiled cheerily "Bernard bought it for me in Greece just a short while after" _we shagged_ "we married."

"Oh," Lily blushed, pressing a palm against her cheek to test her temperature.

"Hmnmn, yes." Addeline said admiringly, "He rather thought it would be awful fun to couple atop it"

"_Excuse me?"_ Lily squeaked disbelievingly.

James glanced at her, looking puzzled to say the least, "She said dad thought it would be long before someone bought it"

"Oh, yes, yes…" _yes, yes, yes, on the table yes James….Oh!_

Lily blushed to the roots of her hair.

"Actually, James was conceived on this table" Addeline smiled softly.

"WHAT!"

Lily screeched so loudly that James spilled his tea across the glass of the table.

"What _is_ it, Lily?" he asked .

"All I said was that James couldn't see above the table" she looked confused, "Not _now _, of course, just when Bernard first brought it home…"

"It can be hard to believe, my dear" Mr. Potter said with a chuckle, "After all, my boy has grown rather tall and strapping, hasn't he!" he clapped James's back with a bark of laughter.

James smiled and magicked away his spilled tea, smoothing a new clean napkin over his knees.

Lily wrung her croissant, eying his hands as James dipped a finger into a new cup of tea and raised it to his lips to suck off its remains.

Was no one seeing this?

"I think I need to be excused," Lily said softly, her right eye twitching .

"Sure, dear"

"Do you need me to come with you—"

"No!" she exclaimed, "I mean, I'm fine, James. Finish your breakfast."

She smiled politely, avoiding looking at the tea-table as she said her goodbyes.

"Don't forget to wank in the shower!"

"What was that?"

"I said, don't forget to take a shower!"

She smiled now, some fifteen minutes later, the latter from her soap making tickling trails down her slippery back. Feeling revived and slightly chirpy , she began to hum, and closed the flow of water in the shower.

Bugger! She'd left her towel at the other side of the room. Lily slid open the door to the shower, groaning, because the tiles and room were freezing, she was about to take a step forward when—

James pushed open the bathroom door, his glassed shoved unceremoniously into his pocket and a look of constipation evident in his expression,

"Merlin" he muttered, "I have to take a mean shi—SHITE!!"

There she was, chilled to the bone and naked, completely stark bollock naked.

**AN:**

**I guess you can tell I've been rather randy lately, can't you? Oh, hell. I wish I had a James, don't you? He's just so bloody…appealing. **

**And now, a short poem:**

**Well, what do you fink?**

**Will they shag or will James shit?**

**You decide. **


	17. The Potter Party

**The Potter Party**

AN: **This chapter's taken a while, I know. But I hope the fruit of my frivolous fingers tickled your fancy. Enjoy.**

Somehow, James had thought there should've been a noise when cherries popped, or rather, were popped.

"Would you like the breast?"

James snapped quickly out of his reverie, turning wide eyes to face his father, wand poised above a gigantic turkey.

"No-no thank you, dad" he stammered. The events of the morning were still replaying in his mind, the rustle of running water, the brush of silky skin, a push and release, a sticky situation, indeed. It was no wonder he had a difficult time paying attention to his supper, much less to the turkey breast, which paled so acutely to the beauty he'd witnessed just mere hours ago.

Lily crossed her legs across from him, pressing her napkin against her lips to muffle her laughter.

"So nice this is…" Addeline sighed.

"Yes." Lily smiled, "spending the holidays with family does seem rather more than tradition, doesn't it?" she closed her lips around a forkful of potatoes "The heart longs for it"

"Such a poet you are, m'dear!" Addeline gushed, "a true artist, wouldn't you say, Berny?"

He smirked, taking a sip of his wine "Quite"

Lily shoved her plate forward gently, having finished "I'm quite stuffed" she pronounced.

"Me too" James exclaimed eagerly.

"Oh, but you must stay for pudding!" Addeline smiled, "I've made Tiramisu!" she clapped her hands in delight and bustled out of the dinning room.

James smirked at Lily, as if saying 'I told you so,' to which Lily smiled brilliantly.

"When can I meet the rest of the family?" she asked as they waited for Addeline to return.

"Tomorrow, Lily" Bernard said, "They arrive on the eve of Christmas day and stay until they tire of their fancy"

"How exiting!"

"Well, sure" Mr. Potter said grudgingly, "You could say that,"

OoO

James came to stand beside her, leaning against the stair banister with an air of self-righteousness, "That is a very provocative dress, Miss Lily"

"It would've been less provocative had you not ripped the skirt!" she hissed, blushing.

"Unavoidable" James smirked casually.

Lily rolled her eyes, crossing her arms under her chest, "When will they get here?" she asked anxiously, "Soon?"

"I'd say a couple minutes," he took a sip of his drink, "Not to worry Lily-buns, you have plenty of time to—"

DING!

"—guess not." James handed her his drink and headed towards the doors "good luck sweetheart," he began sweetly "they smell fear."

Lily cringed and tried to place a welcoming smile on her face, gripping the thin stem of the cup with rather more force than was necessary.

James opened the door, placing a carefully practiced smile on his face,

"Aunt Tillie, Aunt Milly! So nice to see you again!"

"Jamesie dear!" Tillie exclaimed "You look well!"

"Quite the man" Milly added,

"So damn swell!" Tillie finished.

It was fairly obvious that Tillie and Milly were sisters; they were rather short, rather blond and rather mousy-looking. Tillie had a twitch in her upper lip that made it look like she was nibbling her gums and Millie had a twitch in her left nostril that made her whole face distort into quite the frightening expression for a fraction of a second. Sadly enough, it was quite apparent that both were spinsters.

Lily's brows raised as the three approached her, James looking like he was having a hard time containing his mirth

"Could this be?" Milly asked,

"Is this she?"

"Yes." James snorted, "This is Lily"

"Oh, Lily!" Tillie exclaimed happily, "what a lovely name"

"Sounds most like , Milly, Tillie…Lily!" Milly grasped Lily's hand,

"And if it's all the same…" Tillie tapped her chin,

"We'd love to make a rhyme-y!"

Lily, quite horrified, made an attempt at smiling, which looked rather more like a grimace.

"It's a pleasure to meet you" she said.

As the sisters proceeded to the next room, James sauntered over to her.

"See? Wasn't so bad, was it?"

"I hope, for your sake, that's sarcasm" Lily growled, sipping James's drink.

She spluttered and coughed, "Firewhiskey?" she exclaimed, "You wanker"

James chuckled "Careful dear," he pet her naked arm lovingly "my relatives are in the next room"

Lily hissed at him and went to stand beside the door.

The next guest was a heavily perfumed woman named Julietta, whom kissed James on both cheeks and ignored Lily completely. Her daughter, quite the monstrous thing to behold, kissed James twice as well; however, those endearments were ones that left Lily fuming.

"She's your _cousin_, isn't she?" Lily asked skeptically.

"First cousin" James answered, wiping at his mouth with a hanky smeared with alcohol.

"Then why would she snog you?!"

"They're from the inter-breeding side of the family"

"_Ugh_!" Lily exclaimed in disgust, "No more, no more!" she pleaded.

Next came Zelda, Nelda and Mielda, all brilliantly blond uncles of James. They spoke in unison, which was sufficiently scary; however, they also seemed to share a brain.

"So, Quidditch" they said.

"Yea?" James asked.

"You any good?" one asked, (despite the introductions earlier, Lily still had difficulty telling them apart)

"Yea, James? You any good?"

"You're rubbish aren't you?" the last said before James could interrupt

"Yea, rubbish."

"Complete rubbish." the one closer to Lily said "Me mum could deck you with a beater's bat, couldn't she?" Then, tentatively rubbing a metal plaque on the left side of his head, he murmured "she could."

"You're a walking _shite_ of a Quidditch player aren't you?" they finished.

James sighed, his hand flying into his hair as he guided them ahead.

Lily rolled her eyes and proceeded to open the door for the next set of relatives.

Tatty Sarah turned out to be nearly the most entertaining, or at the very least, the most informative.

" Hello James"

"Hullo Tatty Sarah," James greeted grudgingly.

"Oh, good! You remembered!" she exclaimed, showering him with an array of foul-tasting spittle.

"How could I forget?" he said sardonically.

"I dunno, m'boy! I've never been _gifted_ in the art of mental manipulation" she leaned forward and pinched his cheek, "Is this Li_ly_?" she motioned towards his girlfriend.

"Yes, I'm Lily—"

"You understand your name is that of a flower, don't you?"

Lily cocked a brow, "I was aware, yes—"

"Well, _good!_"

"Yes…"

Sarah pinched her cheek, "You look nothing like a Li_ly_, dear. If anything, I'd say a hydrangea or a chrysanthemum" she stroked her cheek in thought "…perhaps an orchid"

"Uh…thank you?"

"James would be the bee, eh?" she winked roguishly.

"Tatty…" James groaned covering his face with a large hand.

Lily blushed, "Excuse me?"

"You know, constantly _buzzing_ around…trying to _pollinate_ you" she pinched her other cheek and smiled with an air of knowing.

James started to usher her into the next room until she let out an exited "Hang on!"

"What _is_ it?" James huffed, quite weary.

"I've just _the_ thing for you, is all" she reached into her purse and dug about for a bit

until "Aha! Here, dear" she handed a lilac bottle to James and walked into the adjacent room.

"So?" Lily asked leaning forward to peek through his fingers.

"It's…" James sighed "Lubricant. _Lavender_ lubricant."

Lily spattered spit and chocked, coughing all over. James patted her back and sighed.

"She's such a nutter." He commented "It's _half empty_" he cringed.

Lily rose her head with a coy smirk, "I would say it's half full" James shook his head, smiling, "of possibilities…"

"You're a tart, Miss Evans"

"Quite"

OoO

By the time the pair had greeted, Uncle Adolph, Uncle Todd (Or Toddy, as Samuel preferred), cousins Mary, Michael, Minstrel and Merlin, Auntie Laura, third cousin Thomas, fourth cousin Rose and her three brats, Kiley , Halle and Butch, the ex-gardeners, George and Lucas, and finally Frodo, the inadequately named butler, it was already supper time.

The family was seated along a long mahogany table, waiting anxiously for them to be seated; uncles rubbed their utensils together with expressions of hunger as Tatty Sarah blessed the supper with toadstool.

"Sit in front of James, Lily" Addy called from the head of the table.

"What?" Lily cupped an ear.

"She said to sit here," James pushed her into a seat and took the one facing it, nervously fidgeting and biting his nails.

The house elves apparated into the dinning room, their arms filled with a spectrum of Christmas cooking, from the odd, to the extraordinary.

"Tuck in, everyone!" called Mr. Potter.

And so they did, happily. Lily had never seen such a manner of eating, some members of the Potter family had even forgotten the utensils and dived head-on into their respective suppers. Only two people seemed to be put off, James, who looked to be green in the face and Samuel, who was delicately cupping his mouth, successfully keeping his bile at bay.

Finally, they were finished. Lily dabbed at her mouth while James reached across the table to make a grab at the rum.

CLONK.

"Sorry-s-s-orry!"

"Oh, James! You've gone and spilled the rum!" cried Tillie,

"It's all _wet_ and _sticky_ like cu—" Tillie clamped a hand around Milly's mouth before she could finish.

Addeline giggled "Shall we move on to the parlor for pudding and brandy?"

"Excellent suggestion, dearest!" Mr. Potter exclaimed quickly, ushering his relatives to the next room.

James lingered, watching his mother bustle at the other end of the table with a calculative expression. He kept reaching into his trouser pocket, as if reassuring himself, then extracting his hand and placing it at his temples.

"James?" Lily called, "Are you coming?"

He smirked "Not at the moment" he replied coyly, shoving his glasses up the bridge of his nose "Perhaps if you're more persistent and eager"

Lily blushed a brilliant red, shaking her head in embarrassment and quickly glancing behind her, checking to see if any of his mental relatives could make sense of their conversation.

"Oh, James Potter you _animal_, you"

He chuckled, "That I am, Lily, that I am."

She stepped into the parlor and closed the doors behind her, leaving him with his thoughts and, of course, his mother.

"Oh, James! Tarry a moment, will you? I need your help."

"Actually mum, I rather think _I_ need _yours_"

OoO

Lily sat beside the fireplace of the parlor with rosy cheeks and a simple smile that spoke of internal bliss. She swirled the contents of her drink in a slow, graceful arc and watched it shine against the glow of the fire like liquid gold.

"Liza, right?" the incestuous cousin sauntered over, a bottle of butterbeer in one hand and an exaggerated hip in the other.

"I'm like, talking to you, like" she whined, "berk" she breathed.

"It's Lily" Lily said monotonously from her armchair, not bothering to offer her a seat.

"I'm Veronica" she sat beside her and crossed her legs in an extravagant manner.

"…right _so_, despite how _terribly fun_ this is, I seem to be missing my boyfriend" Lily stood, eyeing the relatives around her, "Where is that four-eyed sod?" she muttered to herself.

"James? He's like your boyfriend, like?" Veronica batted her eyelashes in a poor imitation of confusion.

"Yes."

"Oh," she replied snottily "Can't imagine why such a dishy bloke would like go for, like, you" she smiled up at Lily, whom was visibly fuming "It's like, odd-ish like"

Lily's ears steamed as if under a potion's cauldron, "So, you were expecting, _what_ exactly?" she bit, "someone more close to home, perhaps?"

Veronica just smiled and leaned back into her chair, sipping what Lily now suspected to be more than just butterbeer.

"Flaming tar—"

"Pudding, everyone!" Addeline Potter pushed through the doors of the parlor with a lot more enthusiasm than was normal, even for her. Addy's cheeks were as plump and rosy as the apples she set on the table and her eyes glistened with, tears?

James came in behind her, looking rather more embarrassed than ecstatic, as his mother did, carrying a tray of tiny sculptured tiramisus. "Eat up!"

She began to hand the sweets out as James strode over to Lily and Veronica, eying the space between them nervously.

"Lily" he said, kissing her briefly on the mouth.

"and Veronica, how nice to see you again" he replied pleasantly, albeit the obvious tension.

"Oh, Jamie!" the girl laughed unpleasantly, like nails scrapping chalkboards or a screeching cat, "It's only been like, five minutes since like, I like, saw you"

"Well," he said, puzzled, "It's been about four years since _I_ last saw you"

"I meant like supper, you nobhead" she pinched his arm affectionately.

Lily glared at her.

"So like, I was just like, asking Lilah about why, like, you—"

"Lily dear, here. I've picked this one especially for you" Addy handed her a perfectly spherical and red apple. Ironically, this made Lily quite terrified, having still harbored the irrational fear of the evil witch in Snow White.

Her eye twitched, "Actually Addy, I was hoping to snatch a bit your tiramisu, if that's alright"

"No!" shouted Addy and James.

"It's not alright?"

"No, what she means is…" James searched for a believable answer "that it's healthier…" he finished lamely.

"Ha!" laughed Veronica "And what _he_ means is like, you're _FAT_, Lilu"

"It's _LILY_ you nob-teasing tart!" Lily yelled, "No need to ask what you're drinking, is that your brother's cum, or your dogs'?"

If there was one thing James had learned in his minimal years on the earth, it was to never call a woman fat, in fact, never bring up the topic of weight. AT ALL. If one should ever find oneself in a situation where the topic could not be dodged either injure yourself (as a form of distraction), or, runaway.

Veronica was just dumb.

"You're just like jealous of like my looks and like James wanting me and like—I DON'T EVEN LIKE, _HAVE _A BROTHER!!"

"But you do have a dog then, eh?" Lily smirked.

"It's a BITCH!!" Veronica screeched "YOU'RE JUST A FAT, MUDBLOOD COW!!!"

James had to hold Lily back as she tore at Veronica's hair over his shoulder, "WHAT DID YOU SAY? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME , YOU NEANDERTHAL BOLLOCK LICKER?" she shouted, "SAY IT TO MY FACE!!"

His family looked aghast, especially his mother, who's exuberance was all but gone , the color only returning to her face when one of the girls would screech something unseemly, to which she would reply , "_Well!_"

"GEROFFME!!!!" Veronica screeched .

"AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE STDs!!!!" the redhead looked triumphant as the tart began to wail.

Finally, it was Mr. Potter whom thought to use his wand to separate the teens. And Lily was slammed, along with James, into one wall, Veronica to the opposite wall.

"SILENCE!!" Bernard boomed at the top of his lungs, or rather, at the top of his wand's lungs.

"WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO DESTROY A FAMILY MEETING, WITH NO REGARD WHATSOEVER TO THE WELL BEING OF THE MEMBERS OF THIS HOUSEHOLD—"

Lily looked down in shame, her face heating in humiliation as well as in withheld tears.

"VERONICA!!"

"WHAT?" she squeaked "She started it!"

"Did not!"

"I know she did _not,_ Veronica." Bernard bit out in anger, "Yet I care not, for _you_ are my family, and therefore myresponsibility. You should know better."

"And she shouldn't?"

"She _does_ know better." He flicked his wand and they all returned to their feet. "Go home, you silly girl. Apparate, _floo_ if you have to, but get out of my house."

"That's preposterous, Bernard. Why should my daughter be punished for doing what others would call protecting interests?"

"Because this is not a business, Julietta, and you are my least favorite sister." He said wearily, "Go home, or I'll _escort_ you"

Both Julietta and Veronica left in a huff; it seemed no one was sad to see them go.

Lily stood, still blushing from exertion and embarrassment.

"I'm sorry" she hung her head as she walked up to Addeline and Bernard, "I was rude, repulsive and out-of-control. I was taught better. Yet it seems my temper always gets the better of me."

"Oh, don't be"

She looked up at Bernard in surprise, "We've been trying to get rid of them for _ages_!"

Lily laughed merrily, wiping her eyes of the mirth.

"What a Christmas, eh?" she elbowed James, "Not at all what I expected it would be"

"No?" James wrapped an arm around her shoulders, "Frankly, I didn't see it quite this way either" he sighed, eying the round, red apple.

OoO

There was something about eating at midnight, thought Lily. The mystery, the romance. The freedom to eat like a hog without the accusing stares of relatives. Yes, it most definitely had its appeal.

The stone floor was cold, but Lily was quite hot so the temperature was pleasant. On her way to the kitchens she passed by the moving stained glass windows whom snickered and greeted her cheerily.

Finally, when she rounded a corner into the kitchen, she was surprised to find her beau, sitting on a stool, a spherical red apple in hand, waiting for her.

"Lily" he breathed nervously, "You're peckish, I presume?"

"Oh, very."

"Have an apple"

"But I don't want—"

James leaned forward and pressed the apple into her hand, "Have an apple" he repeated.

Lily found herself nodding, looking into his exited eyes, it was hard to resist.

James bent to tie his slippers .

Lily bit the apple, and moaned.

An explosion of sweet scents and flavor, a crunchy yet smooth texture. Now that, was an apple. She was sorry she hadn't eaten it before. Where would one get such apples? Were they magic? What a lovely—

Lily felt something click against her teeth. Unceremoniously, she reached into her mouth to pull it out and found, a ring.

Her eyes widened to saucers like those kids in horror movies, suddenly surprised a knife has managed to cut straight through them.

A sodding ring.

Lily looked down at James to find him already kneeling, he didn't even have bloody slippers on.

He took the ring from her hands , her fingers weeping at the loss.

"Lily…" she swallowed, nearly choking on the bite of the apple, "I know it's only been a little while. Barely four months. I know this is daft. But we've never really been very sane, have we?"

Lily's eyes started to fog with tears, "Which makes me think this might just work…Lily Evans, head girl to my head boy, red-head to my black, green eyes to my brown, will you…uh…marry me?"

Lily choked on a suppressed sob.

"Go on, dear! Happiness is just an acceptance away!" that sounded awfully like Tatty Sarah.

"Oh Sarah, you've gone and spoiled it for all of us!" Suddenly the lights clicked on, the romanticism of midnight noshing disappearing as if it were mid-morning.

"I have not!" surely enough, she crawled from under the table, along with Addeline and Bernard, followed by a few wayward relatives that were not sleeping.

"She was taking too long is all; I thought she was going to reject the boy!" Sarah explained herself.

"She was crying, you fool!" Bernard exclaimed.

"Berny!" Addeline gasped, aghast.

"Sorry dear"

"Will you _leave_?" James interrupted loudly, fuming.

"Oh, yes, yes, of course!" Addy shooed the other family out of the room.

They turned off the lights, and the romanticism returned, albeit a bit awkwardly.

"I guess I'll start over then," James said dejectedly.

"Don't be silly" Lily whispered.

"Then—"

"Yes" she said , "That's all that was left to say"

"You mean…??" he looked ecstatic, his face burst into such a smile that his gums strained and his lips spread like rubber and happiness radiated from his every pore.

"Yes. I'll marry you, James Potter, yes" Lily laughed.

"And, thank Merlin for that!"

"Addy!"

"Sorry dear"

**AN:**

**I could end it here, you know. **

**Mainly because I don't know what to do next. **

**Would it lessen the quality of the story if I continued, and moreover, what would I continue with?**

**Tell me. I NEED HELP.**


End file.
